


Worst Kept Secret

by shortstackedcheesecake96



Category: South Park
Genre: College, High School, Jealousy, Kyle is in denial and Eric is jealous, Love Triangles, M/M, Secret Relationship, Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2019-08-19 21:41:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 67,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16542803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shortstackedcheesecake96/pseuds/shortstackedcheesecake96
Summary: It's been three months since Eric and Kyle broke up, going their separate ways for college. Eric cannot wait for winter break to see Kyle again, and hopefully rekindle their romance. There's just one problem, Kyle has moved on. But no obstacle is too daunting for Eric Cartman to overcome, even Kyle's new boyfriend.





	1. Homecoming

**Author's Note:**

> Believe me, I didn't expect to be writing a new multi-chapter now but I've been so excited about this idea that it was hard to set it aside. I've been so busy with work lately, that it felt great to be this excited and motivated about a story, and I hope you enjoy reading this first chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it! I'd love to know your thoughts, and thank you for reading!

Watching the bare trees starved of leaves, the white blanketed sidewalks, and his surely now deserted college campus disappear from his vision, Eric thanked whatever holy being was responsible for ensuring his flight went un-cancelled. The fluffy, pregnant clouds were foreboding, but he had been refreshing his weather app since yesterday. No flurries or showers had been predicted, no flights had been halted and now Eric could sit back and enjoy his journey to the airport knowing home was ever closer. In a matter of hours he'd be walking similar snow-lined streets. Quieter perhaps, and with a distinct smell of cow in the air. His smile was immediately wiped away by the irritating drone of his phone ringing, vibrating against his leg.

When he pulled the phone out of his pocket he was unsurprised to see Kenny's name flashing on the screen. This must have been the fiftieth time today. He accepted the call with a huff.

"What?"

"Have you left yet?"

"Yeah, I'm on my way to the airport already!" Eric snapped. "I told you I'd be leaving half an hour ago, why are you calling me again?"

"Dude, I'm bored as shit!" Kenny despaired. "If I'm not at college, I'm at work, and now I have a day off it's like... I'm in prison. My parents are either fighting or fucking in the next room, and they're not even being subtle about it. Karen isn't even here either to suffer with me, she's out with her friends. I'm trapped."

"You have a door, don't you? Or a bedroom window you can climb out of if you don't wanna catch your parents screwing on the couch."

"Wouldn't be the first time. Where do I go though? I'm broke."

Eric rolled his eyes at the question Kenny really should have been directing to the South Park Chamber of Commerce. Although he supposed they would hardly recommend activities that were free.

"I don't know... go to Stark's?" he suggested. "Feel the crisp, winter air on your face, catch snowflakes on your tongue, admire the beautiful nature, all that crap..."

"I knew it," Kenny replied. Eric could just imagine him shaking his head, complete with shit-eating grin.

"What?"

"You'd go off to college and become a college-know-it-all hippie."

Eric smiled despite himself, but was still bristled by the 'joke.' The very assumption was offensive.

"There is no fucking way that is ever going to happen," he replied, a lot sharper than was really appropriate.

"I don't know," Kenny practically sang in a smug octave. "I think all that time with Kyle has rubbed off on you..."

"Yeah, I fucking wish. But not for much longer..."

Eric had no problem caving to the smile now helplessly spreading across his face. Even when it had in fact been far too long since Kyle had rubbed off on him, or been in the same room with him. All that was about to change though, and Eric was as fidgety with glee as he had been as a child on Christmas Eve, knowing there were gleaming gifts waiting to be ripped open.

"Oh God," Kenny said, dropping to an octave heavy with dread. "Please don't tell me you're-"

"Gonna fuck him? Definitely."

Eric's eyes met with those of his Uber driver in the rear view mirror. They held each other's gazes, Eric thought with some kind of approval. As though his Uber driver were impressed by his future hook-up, and the confidence of which it would be secured. But it was short-lived. His eyes soon returned to the road, lidded and disinterested, and Eric frowned when he was sure the driver wasn't looking.

"Ugh, why are you doing this?" Kenny asked.

"Because I want to," Eric replied. It was really that simple. "It's the only reason I wanna come back to that shithole town at all. No offence."

"None taken... you do remember he has a boyfriend, right?"

"And?"

"Well, for normal people that would be the deciding red flag when weighing up whether or not they're gonna fuck someone."

Eric shrugged, studied his fingernails.

"There's nothing to weigh up though. I've decided."

"What about Kyle?" Kenny asked. "He hasn't decided... has he?"

"No, we haven't talked since..." Eric very well knew how long it had been since he had any type of contact with Kyle (social media voyeurism didn't count), and, frankly, he was embarrassed. Especially when such a drought of communication would've been unthinkable before. "Well, we've both been busy. It's not a big deal. I've been crushing my classes, and he's been all over his boyfriend's Instagram. Maybe it's because we haven't seen each other in a while, but he's actually got  _cuter_. Asshole."

"Wait, Kyle doesn't have Instagram...  _you're following Luke?_ "

"No!" Eric snapped, flushing instantly. He was more offended by that assumption than he was being called a hippie. "I just... started stalking him a little."

There was a long, judgemental lull before Kenny sighed down the phone.

"Jesus fucking Christ, dude. One insane declaration at a time, please. I haven't been around you for three months. I'm gonna have to ease back into your world."

"None of this is insane, Kenny," Eric replied. "I'm thinking clearly here."

"Have you considered that maybe Kyle doesn't want to cheat on his boyfriend?"

"It's not cheating if you're in different states," Eric offered without missing a beat.

"That's..."

"Yeah?"

"Disturbing and fascinating at the same time," Kenny decided. "I honestly don't know how to respond to that."

"Great!" Eric said with a smile. "So you're gonna leave me alone?"

"No! Oh no, you're not getting away that easy! Okay, so I know Luke wasn't a factor in your decision making, but..." another silence, more unsure this time. Eric listened impatiently. "Kyle seemed pretty clear before you left for college that you two were... uh..."

"Over?" Eric offered, not even wincing because he had torn that particular band-aid off his skin too many masochistic times before. "Sure, but time can change things. Besides, I have a plan. I guarantee Kyle will be leaving Bebe's party with me tonight."

"If you say so, dude," Kenny muttered.

Eric gritted his teeth, and gripped his phone a little tighter.

"Don't fucking patronise me, asshole. I know what I'm doing."

Kenny sighed again, and the fact that he wasn't actually in front of Eric to punch only made him angrier.

"Alright, man," he said. "Just be careful, okay?"

"I'll text you when I land," Eric replied, hanging up before Kenny could respond.

* * *

_If his every breath wasn't catching on a loud, passionate moan, if his mind could focus on anything other than the sparkling promise of an impending orgasm, then Eric would've described this Sunday afternoon in his bed with Kyle as perfect. It had led to this, hadn't it? What felt like the best sex they'd ever had. Their A-game. Everything was aligned. The protesting springs of the mattress were in time with their sweaty skin slapping together punctuating each rough, hard thrust. Perhaps it was practice, or perhaps it was this recently added position to their repertoire (Kyle as the big spoon, fucking Eric on his side), but Kyle seemed to find his prostate with delightful ease. Eric had tried to muffle his scream into the drenched sheets, but Kyle wouldn't allow that. Eric's stiff, red cock now bounced against his belly and dribbled pre-cum, and Kyle's hot, earnest groans burned his skin._

_"Unnh... unnh, Eric!" Kyle moaned, Eric tightening around him. "Th-that's it... come on..."_

_Eric's lips parted wider as though Kyle's command had stolen his breath, as well as sent his climax hurtling through his body. He grasped the corner of the bed sheet to ready himself, squeezing his eyes shut as his whole body seized._

_"Aaah- aaaah!" he sobbed as he came. His chest heaved with a huge, gasping breath, blinking away tears as he rode his orgasm out. His vision was still blurred when he finally opened his eyes, a tear trailing down his cheek._

_"Aaah... Haaah, fuck!" Kyle cried. He had slowed when Eric came, but was now thrusting into him faster than before. "F-f-fuck, you're gonna make me- aaaah!"_

_Eric whimpered, too exhausted to react when Kyle sunk his teeth into his shoulder. He held the skin between his teeth as he came, raking his fingers across Eric's chest too. He moaned, sweet and relieved, as he descended from his high. He rode out his orgasm with long, indulgent thrusts, gentler than before. His lips parted, warm and wet, against Eric's shoulder. Eric's heavy eyelids drooped when Kyle laved at the bite, and he grinned when he felt Kyle plant a sloppy kiss there. He really had to savour Kyle's lips being on him. With a quiet, contented hum at the back of his throat, Kyle tried to pull Eric closer to him. Although that felt impossible, they were still going to attempt it. They trembled together, drenched with sweat. Their bodies were still tight despite unwinding in the most spectacular fashion._

_Before he could succumb to the wispy, alluring cloud of sleep, Eric remembered the box of tissues on his nightstand and reached for them. He mewled in discomfort, only then remembering that Kyle was still inside him. Kyle took that as his cue to pull out, and Eric groaned at the sudden emptiness, their separation. The first of many in the next twenty four hours. As he wiped his dripping cock, he felt Kyle trace the indentions his teeth had made with his finger._

_Eric soon felt Kyle's weight on him again. He huffed, chuckling as he watched Kyle climb over him to place the used condom on his nightstand. He chose not to comment on that. He wanted to keep Kyle in his bed for as long as he could. He could forgive him for not stumbling over to his desk to dispose of the condom in the trash can. They shared fond, satisfied grins before their lips met. Eager tongues soon parted plush, hot mouths and Eric rolled over to lower Kyle to the sheets. Kyle didn't complain. He threaded Eric's hair through his fingers, while Eric's hand roamed his thigh. They soon relinquished each other, exchanging panting breaths. The mingled scent of their sweat was potent between them._

_Kyle swallowed, willing words._

_"I, uh..." he smiled, his hand wandering up Eric's chest." I think we made that count."_

_Eric nodded, hiding his fragile grin in Kyle's soaked curls and burying little kisses there. Pulling away, eyes roaming Kyle's content, handsome face, he wondered if it hid any doubt. Maybe Kyle was just waiting for him to bring it up? Maybe this was his chance to save this?_

_"Are you really sure you want this to be the last time?" Eric asked, careful not to lose his smile._

_Kyle stiffened. Eric could feel his thigh tense beneath his palm. It was then he saw what doubt really looked like, and it stung more than he thought it would. In fact, he didn't think it would sting at all. Suddenly, Kyle's body disappeared under his fingers. They still flexed for him, and his heart clenched. This was only the beginning of a painful severance, after all. Kyle was lying flat on his back now, staring up at the ceiling._

_"Yes," he said with a sigh._

_He turned to Eric, but couldn't keep his eyes on him for long. They wandered the sheets._

_"It has to be," he murmured. "Remember we said-"_

_"I know, I know," Eric cut in, sighing too. "I was just double checking..."_

_Kyle shuffled closer to him, and when their eyes met Eric saw the crease in his brow._

_"Trying to make a long distance relationship work is hard... especially when so many things are about to change for us. I just think why mess up a good thing? Why not end on a high note?"_

_Eric gulped, nodding._

_"Totally," he replied, his breath wavering. He masked it with a grin. "Besides, I was already thinking about breaking up with you for the exact same reason, way before you even suggested it, so..."_

_Kyle scowled, his eyes were lit with an exasperated mischief. Shaking his head, he then pinched Eric's arm._

_"Ow! Jesus, I'm gonna be glad to get rid of you, dickhead..."_

_Eric could let himself believe it when Kyle chuckled, and he joined in. He relaxed when Kyle wrapped his arm around his middle, and smiled again when his head was on his chest._

_"I can't believe we're actually leaving tomorrow," Kyle murmured._

_Eric nodded. This was it. Kyle wasn't going to change his mind, and soon they would be separated by thousands of miles. The crushing realisation yawned, revealing it's pitch black, terrifying jaws. Eric felt like he was staring right into its mouth, ready to devour him._

_"Scary, right?"_

_"Especially when you still haven't packed," Kyle replied. He lifted his head then, propped himself up on his elbow. "What the hell have you been doing all summer?"_

_"You, namely. You won't leave me alone."_

_Kyle rolled his eyes._

_"Well, I still managed to find the time to pack in between having sex with you. Please will you get it done tonight?"_

_Eric raised his eyebrows. Clearly, not all the strings tying them together had been cut yet._

_"I'm not sure I owe you anything anymore," he pointed out._

_Kyle frowned at him, but soon started to think. His eyes lit up when he appeared to have found a compromise._

_"Okay, I'll make you a deal." He smiled. "You pack tonight, send me evidence that you actually_ have _packed, and I'll send you one last nude that will occupy your masturbatory fantasies for the next... month?"_

_Eric's eyebrows were practically skimming his hairline at this point. He was both intrigued and amused by Kyle's confidence and bravado. It was possible that Kyle just knew him that well though. He didn't jerk off thinking about Kyle exclusively, but he did occupy a lot of his thoughts. He knew how to make him cum in real life, after all. In his head it was no different._

_"Really?" Eric asked. "I think you've overestimated how hot you are."_

_"I think you've underestimated just how dirty I'll make it," Kyle replied with a smirk. He was circling Eric's nipple with his index finger._

_"Then you've got yourself a deal." Eric grinned, sealing it with a kiss._

_It turned out to not exactly be the dirtiest of dirty pictures. Eric was not surprised. Kyle wasn't all that good at being intentionally sexy, and that fourth grade list - no matter how corrupted - had really ignited a lot of doubts about his appearance (rather that than the school, Eric supposed, though Kyle would've done everybody a favour if it meant no class for a while). Kyle was at his hottest when deep in thought, or ranting about the career guidance at school, or moaning and gasping with his dick in Eric's hand. Still, it was Kyle naked. For the last time (for Eric to see, at least). He still slipped his hand down his pants whilst staring at the photo intently, trying to remember every single detail of Kyle's body before they would be apart for three months._

* * *

Kyle must have walked the route to Stan's house a million times since he had moved there in the sixth grade. After all that time it still felt like a 'new' home. Once a fresh page that now had memories scrawled all over it. Despite the exhilarating relief he had felt watching the jagged mountain peaks disappear in September, he was glad to see them again. It was comforting, to feel like his hometown was welcoming him back with open arms despite his fractious relationship with it over the years. He had immediately thought of Eric upon arriving, imagined being back in his arms again no matter how inappropriate and ill-advised that would be. He was happy now, he had Luke. Sure, his feelings for Eric would never completely go away. How could they? When they had been a part of each other's lives for so long, had been through so much together? Once you're engulfed, being put out is never easy. You never walk away unscathed, un-burned, un-scorched. Kyle would never trade any of it though, would never blot out any vibrant hue their relationship was coloured with, no matter how much it hurt sometimes, no matter the residual ache.

He was trying not to think about Eric as he walked to Stan's. He was instead floating on the excitement of seeing Stan, and Kenny, even Butters. Throw Eric into the mix and it was sure to cause turbulence, send his heart and his mind to go off in wayward, overwhelming directions that he would struggle to navigate his way out of. He tried to remember the mindfulness tips Luke had shared with him whenever he was stressed or had succumbed to his temper. He focused on the cold air pinching his cheeks with sharp, invisible nails, and the ever-present promise of snow in the air.

He finally reached Stan's house, knocking on the door and waiting. Stan soon answered, smiling as warmly as his living room looked from where Kyle was standing. Kyle returned the smile gladly, flushed cheeks aching from the weight of it.

"Hey, dude..." Stan murmured, pulling him into a hug.

"Hey, man," Kyle replied, patting Stan's back. "How was your flight?"

Stan was nodding when he pulled away, a little sun-kissed from a Californian winter.

"Good, yeah, I got here this afternoon." He clapped Kyle on the shoulder. "Anyway, come on, how has school been?"

"Great, thanks," Kyle replied, shoulders hunched a little because it still felt odd to be talking to Stan like this. Catching up with him when before they were so used to seeing each other every day. He supposed it was a natural evolution when their friendship had lasted this long. "Classes are tough but... it's nice to get away from here, you know? I've missed it I guess, but there it's like a fresh start. A whole new chance to be a better version of yourself. You know what I mean?"

"Yeah, man, totally. It's great to be in a place where no one has known you since you were in diapers."

"And to not have to worry about the National Guard rolling in because the town has divided into militias over, like, I don't know... e-scooters or some shit."

Stan chuckled, pursing his lips and shaking his head as if still in fond disbelief.

"I don't miss that. That Halloween pretty much ruined candy for me." He grimaced, before brightening again, grinning at Kyle. "But hey, what about you and Luke, man? How are things going with you two?"

"Awesome, thanks," Kyle replied, laced with relief. "He's really cool, and sweet, and down-to-earth. We're having fun, and I think he's what I need right now."

"Yeah, especially since-" Stan stopped himself, flushing an alarming red. His eyes were wide, as though Kyle and Eric's relationship had now been deemed unmentionable, even amongst their inner circle. "Well, you know, you and Cartman were... not that you weren't happy. Because you were! I think... not that we talked about it much, because, you know, it was hard for me to... understand... not that I wasn't supportive of you! No, no, you can date whoever you want, dude, as long as they make you happy, I don't care... I  _do_  care! I, I just..." he sighed, exhausted, his eyes pleading with Kyle. "God, you know what I'm trying to say, don't you?"

"Yeah, yeah, I do," Kyle replied, when he was only half-sure. But he wanted to put Stan out of his misery. "It's cool."

Stan now had a shy tight, smile on his simmering face.

"Thanks..."

"Kyle!" Mrs Marsh exclaimed as she appeared from the kitchen. "Hi, sweetie!"

"Hi, Mrs Marsh..." Kyle replied, soon welcoming her hug.

"Oh, it's good to see you!" she smiled, holding him at arm's length now. "How have you been?"

Kyle nodded, if making small talk with Stan felt unusual than making small talk with his mom was even stranger. When he was a kid, their conversations consisted of 'okay, Mrs Marsh', and 'thanks, Mrs Marsh' when he had gathered his breath from running around with the guys, or had paused a video game.

"Yeah, I'm good, thanks. Uh, how are you?"

"I've been fine, just finishing my Christmas shopping and-"

"Sharon, Nelson's gonna come over later for the - oh, hey, Kyle!"

A familiar dread clutched Kyle's stomach, like the unnerving calm before an embarrassing storm. Unlike his conversations with Stan's always friendly mother, Kyle's conversations with Mr Marsh were unpredictable given his veering hobbies and pursuits. Although their talks were never hostile, they were always awkward and Kyle wondered if that was actually worse.

"Um, hey Mr Marsh?" Kyle asked, glancing at Stan. He noticed he was rubbing the bridge of his nose, unable to even look at his dad.

Not surprising, given that Mr Marsh was wearing a tie-dye t-shirt, khaki shorts, and a crochet beanie. A little goatee accompanied his now greying moustache.

"Dad, please don't..." Stan begged.

"Stan, I'm a businessman now, I can't switch that off!" Mr Marsh argued. "I'm constantly thinking of my product! Innovation, costs, marketing! It's not my fault that all of your friends are in my demographic, I would be an idiot not to pitch my idea to them! Don't stand in the way of progress, son." He returned his attention to Kyle with an eager smile. "Now, Kyle, what are your thoughts on the sack?"

Kyle had no idea where to look. Hideous, sudden heat rushed to his face.

"Excuse me?"

"The sack!" Mr Marsh exclaimed. "Hacky sack! That's what all us guys on the forum call it! Jeez, who's the old guy now?" he lowered his chin at his son, pointing to Kyle with his thumb. "Am I right, Stan?"

"Dad, I'm begging you-"

"So you're not into the sack, that's cool," Mr Marsh continued, nodding. "Have you played it all?"

"Not once, sir."

"Well, could I tempt you to play a game with this?" Mr Marsh asked, pulling what looked like a knitted scrotum out of his shorts pocket.

Kyle blinked, willing a reaction other than muted surprise. Even laughter would've been  _something_. Kyle didn't know if that would be cruel, or the reaction Mr Marsh was hoping for. Either way, he couldn't muster up a strangled, fake laugh when the room was weighted with a mordant weariness. Mrs Marsh had her eyes closed as though she were wishing to be teleported out of there, while Stan had rolled his despairing eyes to the ceiling as though counting on a more heavenly figure to save him.

"I, uh..." Kyle was struggling to find the words, or to take his eyes off... well, whatever the hell it was.

"Ha! It's hilarious, right?" Mr Marsh grinned, desperate and oblivious. "A hacky sack that looks like balls! I got the idea from the forum. Those guys, man! If I was in college again, we would tear shit up! This is only a prototype. I'm thinking of calling it the 'nut-hacky-sack'. What do you think?"

"Oh, I don't know, it's uh-"

"I don't think Kyle wants to stand here and review your dumb fucking prototype, dad," Stan interjected. "He just wants to hang out with the guys, so can you leave us alone please?"

Stan grabbed Kyle's arm and led him away before Mr Marsh could answer.

"I'm on LinkedIn!"

Kyle heard him cry.

"Dude, I am so, so sorry," Stan murmured, loosening his grip on Kyle's arm.

"Believe me, dude, I'm used to it," Kyle replied, chuckling. "Hacky-sacks though?"

"My mom says it's his way of feeling connected to me while I'm in college."

Kyle blinked, an unexpected warmth spreading from his chest.

"That's kinda sweet," he remarked.

Stan sighed, no doubt weary of his father's extreme, unorthodox ways of showing his affection.

"I guess. Give it a couple of months and he'll be pouring all his money into something else. My mom is still pissed at him for selling the farm. I mean, we were all glad to get the fuck away from there, but that shithole wasn't cheap..."

Music he hadn't listened to for months floated from under the door of the basement, and Kyle found himself taking a small, fortifying breath as they entered. It were if as though the dimly-lit basement was murky water, brimming with people he had left behind, that had all scattered and drifted away from him. He needn't have worried though, when he saw Butters and Kenny smiling up at him from the foot of the stairs. He returned their smiles easily, gratefully. Making his way down the stairs, his gaze soon collided with Eric's. Thoughtful, but Kyle couldn't detect any hesitation from him that he himself had felt. Eric's golden eyes were trained on him though, following his every footstep. His mouth was hidden by a plastic cup held to his lips.

"Hey!" Kenny cheered, throwing his arms around Kyle in a bear hug.

Kyle huffed, and held Kenny's lean body up.

"Where the hell have you been, asshole?" he asked.

"Attending a sales pitch for the 'nut-hacky-sack.'"

Kenny grimaced, but soon began to chuckle.

"Pretty bleak, huh? Stan, for the love of God, please don't let him call that thing a 'nut-hacky-sack.'"

"I'll try," Stan replied, non-committal.

Kyle's gaze wandered over to Eric, wanting to meet his eyes again. He hoped he hadn't lost that silent ability to communicate with him - to signal a question, or a demand with a look alone.

"Hey, Kyle!" Butters beamed, blocking him.

Kyle smothered a disappointing frown, and stopped his shoulders from slouching.

"Hey, Butters," he replied. "How's Rhode Island?"

"Oh, it's real neat! Everybody there is super nice! How's Arizona?"

Kyle nodded, half-listening.

"Awesome, yeah..."

"Me and Eric were just talking about you!"

Kyle froze, gaze returning promptly to Butters. A million questions vied for his attention, but his stubborn nerves were doing their best to squash them.

"Uh- you were?"

"Yeah, don't get too excited," Eric replied, his voice firm and reminiscent enough to slice through his nerves, to reassure Kyle he was on terra firma.

Eric began to close the gap between them, and Butters ducked his head and moved aside without Eric ever having to ask him to. Kyle had to hand it to him, he could be intimidating when he wanted to be. Even when Kyle had learned of every insecurity he possessed - through either observation or Eric's own pained, reluctant admission when they were alone - he could still be convinced by the part Eric played of menacing, obnoxious asshole. Eric had exercised a different intimidation tactic on Kyle in recent months, one of piercing, knowing looks; threadbare, earnest confessions; bluffs; and ghostly touches, gentle and intriguing. Kyle shivered at the memory, and hoped it wasn't noticeable. His smile was harder to stop, a fascinated, soft reflection of Eric's captivating grin.

"I was just making a bet with Butters that the Arizona heat would've cooked you like a rare steak, but clearly I was wrong," Eric added, raking his gaze over Kyle. "Damn it."

Kyle rolled his eyes, pursed his lips to suffocate the laughter in his throat. He had missed this.

"You owe me 10 bucks, Eric!" Butters gloated.

Eric scowled at Butters for throwing him off his stride.

"Yeah, later, douchebag," he muttered, waving him off.

Eric moved in closer, blotting out their surroundings and quieting every other voice. With Luke, Kyle had nearly forgotten how this felt... how when Eric spoke to him, or looked at him, he made everybody else in the room disappear. It was then Kyle realised he could never forget, and the memory clutched his stomach like it wouldn't let go. But he wasn't afraid.

"You actually look..."

Kyle sighed, bracing himself for the punchline. He couldn't kid himself that now their relationship had returned to being platonic, Eric wouldn't tease him a little bit. He knew he expected the same.

"Yes?"

"Good," Eric replied, like it hurt him to say it. But he soon smiled. "I mean,  _really_ good."

Kyle blinked. His fingers shook as he petted his hair, moving to his jacket to tug at the hem. He wondered what was so different from what Eric remembered. He couldn't pinpoint a specific thing that had changed.

"Thanks." Kyle smiled. "So do you... um..."

Kyle fell quiet when he realised he didn't know how to finish that sentence. He didn't want to talk at all. He just wanted to do the one thing he was hoping he could do when he saw Eric again. If it wasn't too awkward, or uncomfortable, or dangerous. He rolled his eyes at his apprehension.

"Jesus, come here..." he murmured, holding his arms out.

Eric wrapped his arms around his middle without hesitation. It surprised Kyle, but that feeling soon melted into one of warmth, of a quiet contentment. He wrapped his arms around Eric's back and held him closer. The hug was long, heavy, like an event much anticipated, what they had been wanting all along after the break up, and after three months apart. Kyle's fingers splayed at Eric's back like they always did when he contemplated just how much there was of Eric to hold. His scent, and his warmth, and the press of his body still felt as exhilarating and comforting as ever. Before Kyle could stop it, he was letting his head rest on Eric's soft shoulder, where he had often drifted off after kissing, or fucking, or doing nothing at all. The muscle memory overwhelmed him, and he wondered if it would ever be erased from his mind, from his nerves. But it didn't feel worrying, or dangerous. It felt safe, a feeling Kyle was searching for with Eric right until they broke up.

"It's great to see you again," Eric murmured in his ear.

Kyle nodded.

"Yeah, it's great to see you too," he replied, fighting to keep his eyes open.


	2. Old Habits

Sitting on Bebe's couch, sipping at cheap beer and watching people much drunker than himself try to dance in the small living room, Eric realised that the parties he had attended in college were not so different. College had been a surprising experience so far, in how quickly and drastically some things had changed for him while some things stayed the same... for now at least. He had been stewing in Déjà Vu all evening. How many times had he huddled around the guys at a party, discussing the same old topics, and shouting over the music to make his voice heard? This must have been the fortieth time at least. Still, he had missed hearing the sound of Kyle's voice strain as he was expressing an opinion, of feeling his thigh pressed flush against his own on the crowded couch, hell, just feeling his heat next to him, exacerbated by alcohol and the stuffiness. College must have occupied him good if he was able to abstain from this for so long. Maybe when things reignited, with their hands all over each other until New Year, Eric would struggle to deal with Kyle withdrawal when he returned to Wisconsin? He drifted out of the conversation, though still half-listened to Kyle while he thought of the costs of weekend trips to see each other.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Clyde stumble into the room, arms held high and wide.

"Beer pong, bitch!" he shouted in Stan's face.

Stan jumped a little in his seat, and recoiled.

"What the fuck, man?" he asked, rubbing his ear that was no doubt ringing.

"Beer pong! We're setting up a table!"

"So?"

Craig appeared from behind Clyde, holding his shoulder like he was a little kid about to run onto the road.

"He's asking you guys if you want to play beer pong with us."

Clyde's face scrunched up, incredulous and offended. He shook his head.

"Pfft! Nah, I'm challenging you assholes!" he exclaimed. "I don't  _want_  shit off any of you!"

"Seriously, what the hell is up with you, man?" Kenny asked Clyde, though it appeared directing questions at him was futile right now.

Craig sighed.

"He gets a little confrontational when he's drunk. You interested?"

Stan shook his head, his gaze wandering off.

"Not really..." he muttered.

"Yeah, no thanks," Kyle backed him up, taking a sip of his drink.

Eric looked between an oblivious Clyde and an uninterested Kyle and sensed an opportunity. When it came to Kyle, competition was the most potent aphrodisiac Eric had at his disposal. He remembered his whole body trembling as he walked to the locker room after a basketball victory, knowing Kyle was just waiting for him to arrive so he could pin him against the locker and shove his hand down his pants. If Kyle won tonight at beer pong, one exhilarating release for his adrenaline was going to beat all others, tipsy and with a couple of empty beds upstairs to tempt him. Eric's jeans were growing tighter already. Before the offer could pass completely, Eric clapped Kyle on the back.

"Why not?"

"Yeah, it sounds pretty fun to me," Kenny added with a shrug.

Eric grinned, though chose not to direct it at Kenny.

"Come on, Kyle, I'm bored!" he whinged.

"Why is that my problem?" Kyle asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Because we could really use you!"

The crease in Kyle's brow disappeared, and there was a promising glint of flattery in his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, but clamped it shut and started over.

"I, I, I've never played beer pong before..."

Eric raised his eyebrows at Kyle. It was such a lame excuse, and even Kyle knew it.

"Well, it's pretty self-explanatory," he replied. "But you've got great aim, and that's, like, invaluable in beer pong! Please, Kyle..."

Tilting his chin, and pouting his lower lip, Eric put on his best puppy dog eyes. He almost broke when Kyle chuckled, short and quiet. He shook his head, like he was impervious to Eric's saccharine act. Kyle snagged his lower lip between his teeth as he raked his gaze over Eric's face, releasing it when his eyes reached Eric's mouth and stared with lidded eyes. Eric knew the expression well. He'd won.

Kyle sighed.

"Fine..."

"Yes!" Eric cheered, like he was actually surprised by Kyle's change of heart.

Kenny smacked his thighs as he lifted himself out of his seat.

"How many players do we need, Clyde?"

"Four. I've called Craig, Tweek, and Token," Clyde replied, counting on his fingers. "Jimmy's reffing."

Kyle arched an eyebrow at him as he stood up.

"You actually need a ref?"

Clyde frowned, stepping forward with his shoulders pulled back, tense and on the defensive.

"Beer Pong is a legit sport, man!"

"I don't think any legit sport should have the objective to get wasted," Stan commented.

"So you're not gonna join us, then?" Kenny asked.

Stan shrugged, nodding quickly as though he had a limited amount of time before his place on the team was redacted.

"Well, yeah, I mean... I'd look like a dick just watching you from the sidelines," he replied, standing too.

Clyde grinned, loose and elastic.

"Follow me, gentlemen!" he bellowed, swinging his arm as he stumbled out of the living room.

"We went from assholes to gentlemen in less than five minutes..." Kyle murmured as they all followed him.

Eric smirked.

"It's called sportsmanship, Kyle."

Kyle snickered derisively.

"Like you would fucking know."

Eric's smirk crumpled, aching to break out into a grin. He nudged Kyle, pushing him into the dining room. There, they saw a couple of bored party guests, no doubt drawn to the dining table just to see if they could find any fun there. Jimmy was stood in the middle of the room, scrolling through his phone. Bebe was pouring the bottles of imported beer Token had brought along to the party into the plastic cups, while he watched, pained. Clyde grinned at the sight of Bebe bent over the table, no doubt this was all to impress her and Token was being an exceptional wingman by sacrificing his expensive alcohol to the possibility of Clyde getting laid. She shook the last remaining drops out of the bottle she held.

"All ready?" Clyde asked, standing beside her.

"Well, it sorta has to be," Bebe replied. She tugged at the hem of her minidress as she stood back to admire her handiwork. She placed her hands on her hips. "I've used it all."

Clyde nodded, studying the triangles on either side of the table.

"Looks awesome..."

"Make me proud," Bebe said with a smirk.

Eric noticed Clyde jolt like her smile was electric, but he soon found his cocky, cool grin. His eyes were lidded as he sidled up to her.

"I'm a professional, babe, you've got nothing to worry about."

"Getting a fifteen percent team discount off coffee on campus doesn't make you a professional, dude," Token piped up, scratching at his irritation.

Clyde frowned at him.

"Semi-professional, then..." his face was starting to flush almost as red as Bebe's lipstick.

Eric followed the guys as they moved to their designated end of the table, studying the formation of the cups.

"So, uh, how do we start?" Kyle asked.

"'Eyes,'" Jimmy replied, reading from his phone. "Who goes f-f-f-first gets duh- _duh_ -decided by whoever can get the b-b-b-ball in the cup while m-m-m-making eye contact with the other te-te-team."

"Thanks, Jimmy," Clyde said, tossing the ping pong ball up in the air. "Who's gonna go on your guys' end?"

They all looked around each other, but Kyle soon raised his hand.

"Um, I will?"

Clyde nodded.

"And I'll bat for us," he announced, before adopting a stance like he was about to tackle the cups.

Scowling, he drilled his hardened stare into Kyle. Meanwhile, Kyle didn't know where to look. Eric had to smother a laugh when Kyle glanced at him in an awkward attempt for clarity on what the hell was happening.

"Come on, man!" Craig called behind him.

"Go, Clyde!" Tweek added.

Clyde was still holding the ball between his thumb and index finger, but soon threw it. The small crowd murmured their disappointment when the ball flew straight over the cups, and landed on Kyle's shoes.

"Shit!" Clyde snapped, covering his face and turning his back to the table.

"B-b-bad luck. Your turn, Kyle."

Kyle picked the ball up from the floor, and Clyde was still seething and almost flushed with tears as he prepared to meet Kyle's steely stare. Kyle wasted no time waiting. Throwing the ball, it landed straight into a cup. There was cheers from their little audience, but none louder than Eric, Stan, and Kenny. Stan wrapped his arm around Kyle's chest and pulled him backwards, ruffling his hair despite his earlier indifference.

"Park County High basketball captain, bitches!" Eric jeered across the table. The trash talk was almost as irresistible as Kyle with his hair all wayward. He almost wished he wouldn't fix it.

"You ain't got nothing on him!" Kenny added, arms outstretched.

Kyle's face was surely aching from the weight of his grin. He was trying hard to remain composed but his glittering eyes suggested he was revelling in the praise, and the satisfaction of having an advantage over their opponents. Eric smiled tightly, his shoulders falling in endearment. He loved what was so wonderfully predictable about Kyle, in those moments he felt like a song that Eric knew all the words to. It was a salve when all that was unpredictable, frustrating, and disheartening left him burning with a deep, sad anger, simmering in a confusion nobody could replicate. It was an experiment he had no interest in conducting either. His interests lay solely in Kyle. He moved in closer to him.

"Told you we could use you..." he murmured in Kyle's ear.

Kyle turned to him with a wry smirk.

"I'm not carrying this whole team though," he replied, pointing a warning finger at him. "You better step up."

Eric didn't reply, he simply returned the smirk.

As the competition began to heat up with Clyde's unsportsmanlike outbursts, and the skills being displayed by members of both teams, a larger crowd was drawn to the - closely fought, by Jimmy's estimation - beer pong match. Eric's team now had two cups left, while Clyde's team had just one. Tweek was up, his nerves evaporating as the game went on, his hand no longer shaking. The crowd cheered as the ball landed in the cup, and it was Eric's turn to chug the beer. He removed the ball ready for Kyle to throw, before lifting the cup to his lips.

"Well done, babe..." Craig smiled, wrapping his arm around his beaming boyfriend's shoulder and planting a kiss in his wispy blond hair.

Watching the quiet romantic display as he drank made Token's fancy beer taste more bitter than usual. He supposed he was the odd one for not admiring Tweek and Craig's relationship. It had been the healthiest and most stable among their peers. They had been together since fourth grade with no break ups in the emotionally fraught years of puberty, and that was undeniably impressive. Eric had no idea what made them work, but a little part of him was dying to know their secret. But if he sought their advice, that would mean revealing  _his_  secret and he had too much to lose if he did that. So he let the jealousy writhe inside him, a spiteful, miserable creature, as he stared narrow-eyed at Tweek and Craig's subtle affection. He wished he could afford the bravery Craig had to hold his boyfriend in public,  _kiss_  him even. He never had the chance to do that with Kyle when they were dating, when their relationship was shrouded in secrecy and barely acknowledged within the confines of their group, like it daren't be uttered.

"Th-th-this is it!" Jimmy declared. "Kyle you're up."

"Come on, dude!" Stan cheered.

"You can do this..." Kenny murmured, rubbing Kyle's shoulders like he was a coach and Kyle was a bloodied boxer stumbling towards victory.

Kyle picked up the ball still dripping with beer, and after taking a few seconds to figure out his aim, he threw the ball. It sailed through the air, and landed in the final cup. There was a whoosh of cheering and applause from the crowd, as well as stomping hard enough to make the China in the cabinets rattle. Kyle remained quiet, but was still beaming, breathless with adrenaline. Eric had no time to admire him before Kyle threw his arms around his neck. But he gladly wrapped his arms around Kyle and returned the embrace.

"Way to go!" he exclaimed.

He could feel Kyle's body quiver in his arms as he laughed.

"Thanks!"

Kyle soon breached from their hug, still smiling and face still flushed. Eric kept his hands on Kyle's waist, vowing not to let go until he did. It was like the most content game of chicken ever, since Kyle seemed to be in no hurry to let him go. Despite the commotion going on around them, they were more interested in staring at each other. In fact, Eric didn't even notice that Kyle's hands had slipped from his shoulders until he felt his heart thump against Kyle's fingers. Eric glanced at the hands at his chest before lifting his gaze to Kyle again. Unsure for the first time, Eric noticed Kyle gulp, and he slowly slid his hands away. He pushed himself away from Eric, offering him an apologetic look before returning to the emotionally safe arms of Stan and Kenny, rid of any friction. Kyle needn't have been sorry though, since Eric wasn't too disappointed. As far as he was concerned, everything was going to plan.

* * *

Only a few party guests remained in the living room. A lot of the guests had vacated to more exciting venues, while some had headed home. A girl swayed offbeat to the hollow music, a couple more were huddled together on the armchair, taking selfies with smudged make-up and lolling tongues, and Eric was sipping languidly at his drink like it was an afterthought with Kyle by his side. They were slouched on Bebe's couch, and had been sitting there for so long that they could've made a groove in the cushions that they were unable to get out of.

"They got a beer pong team in Arizona?" Eric asked.

Kyle's eyes drifted to the ceiling as he contemplated his answer. He shook his head.

"I have no idea."

"You should try out."

"Try out?" Kyle replied, arching an eyebrow. He laughed. "For beer pong?"

"Yeah? I mean, fuck, I don't know how it works..." Eric actually felt his face grow warmer. He directed a soft smile at Kyle. "I just know you would be great at it."

It was contagious, a smile spreading across Kyle's face too. But he cruelly decided to deprive Eric of it, lifting his cups to his lips.

"And hey, you could wind up playing Clyde again in a national tournament?"

"I think he'd refuse to play me. Getting your ass kicked twice by the same person is humiliating."

Eric chuckled, nodding in agreement.

"So I think I'll spare him," Kyle added with a sigh. "I don't wanna ruin something he enjoys."

"Are you sure? It's pretty fun."

Kyle chuckled and nodded, in a way that nobody else would if Eric was having this conversation with anyone other than Kyle. But if he could only talk to Kyle for the rest of his life, he would happily make that deal, and he had only realised that after notching up hundreds of conversations with him.

"Are you still playing basketball?" he asked.

"No," Kyle replied, too quick to be comfortable. He sighed again. "No, I don't have a lot of time these days. I miss it though."

Eric shrugged, not seeing what the problem was, and unable to see an obstacle that couldn't be overcome.

"Then sign up? You could find  _some_  time to play, right? I didn't sit through all those games with you just for you to quit when you got to college."

"Sorry, I didn't realise it was such an inconvenience," Kyle murmured, half-joking.

Eric bit the inside of his mouth, reprimanding himself for being a dick when he could just be honest. He was still working on that, though often he wondered if it was such a learned reflex that it was ingrained into him now and impossible to shake.

"Nah, it wasn't really," he replied, shaking his head with a shy smile. "The look on your face when you won made it all worth it..."

He was rewarded with Kyle's face glowing with gratitude, an incentive if he ever needed one.

"And the sex, obviously," he added, in the interest of being honest. "I was there purely to get into your shorts."

_And you've blown it. Again._

But instead of a frown, or a huff, Kyle smiled. Smaller than before, and he was unable to meet Eric's eyes. He was no doubt recounting those locker room trysts fuelled by so many rushing hormones that Eric always felt like Kyle was possessed when they fucked post-game. An out-of-body, out-of-clothes experience.

"Yeah, I did get a little..." Kyle gulped, struggling with the word. Eric would wait all evening, it was oddly satisfying to see Kyle so coy when Eric had the image burned into his mind of him being anything but.

"Over-excited," he settled on.

Behind Kyle, Eric saw Stan trying to usher Wendy out of the front door.

"Speaking of over-excitement..."

Eric cocked his head towards the front door, and they both watched Stan wrap his arm low around Wendy's waist as they left.

"Damn, I wish I had put money on that," Kyle muttered.

"I guess old habits die hard," Eric replied, never taking his eyes off Kyle as he took a long sip of his drink.

"Literally."

Eric burned as he made a sound of undignified laughter, spitting some of his drink back into his cup. Kyle was so close to him he could feel his body shake with laughter too, eyes brimming with it before their long, unyielding stares mellowed into fondness, contemplation.

"Would, uh, your boyfriend be cool with you playing basketball? What's his name again... Luke?"

Kyle nodded, gaze drifting away from Eric and pulling closer, he guessed, to Luke. His throat clenched, and he swore he could see something shift in Kyle's eyes as his thoughts had.

"Yeah... Yeah, I think he'd be pretty supportive."

"So things are going well with him?" Eric asked, though it pained him to.

At least it brought Kyle's attention to him, his eyes wide and unsure. They were restless too, unable to focus on Eric like they had for the most of the evening. He shifted in his seat.

"Yeah, I guess..."

Eric furrowed his eyebrows, wanting to know more, to keep digging to see if anything promising was buried beneath Kyle's words.

"You guess?"

"Yeah?" Kyle replied, quick and taut. He shook his head, forehead creased. "I mean, no... no, I  _know_  it's going well."

"Okay, so just say that then."

"But it's  _hard_  to say that. In front of you, it's just..." Kyle huffed, shaking his head.

"Then maybe I won't ask about him anymore?" Eric offered. "How about that?"

Kyle gave him a hard, sceptical look but soon offered him a smile.

"Okay, that's fine with me," he replied.

Their smiles tightened with shyness, and for the first time in a while Eric glanced around the deserted living room.

"Pretty dead, huh?"

Kyle nodded, grimacing before checking his phone.

"God, 1AM?" He despaired, throwing his head back onto one of the cushions. "I don't wanna go home yet..."

Eric blinked, not expecting the gilded opportunity he had been waiting all night for. But there was no way he would miss seizing it.

"We could hang out at my place?" he offered, hoping it sounded more nonchalant than he felt.

Kyle slid his gaze to Eric but didn't answer.

"If you want?" Eric added, a nervous smile flickering in the corner of his mouth he wished he could extinguish. He hated that he had even added that question, but it appeared it was not only his lips that had succumbed to nerves.

He hated this hasty, jittery rhythm he was operating in, but hoped that when he was back in Kyle's arms the cacophony would melt into a symphony.

"That sounds..." Kyle smiled before he could finish the sentence, nodding. "Good."

* * *

Eric hadn't stopped smiling since he left Bebe's house. Perhaps due to the triumph he felt that Kyle was walking alongside him, following him home just like he wanted. Or perhaps it was due to the easy conversation slicing through the mountain silence. Eric felt as though he and Kyle were the only people in South Park, on Earth in fact. Eric just hoped Kyle felt the same way, his mind rid of any responsibility, or anybody that could intrude on their rediscovered bliss.

"Are you sure your mom will be okay with this?" Kyle asked as they approached Eric's house.

"No, but she's lucky I'm even here so she can she deal with a little company."

"Wait, you... you weren't gonna come home?"

Eric blinked, he wasn't sure if he meant what he said when Kyle was taking his words quite that seriously. He had no idea they would matter that much, and it surprised and delighted him in equal measure.

"Well...  _yeah_ , I was gonna come home," he replied. He looked at Kyle and smiled, and it emboldened him to be honest. "Just not for her, necessarily."

Kyle blinked this time, but flattery soon thawed out his surprise. Eric hoped the warmth of the house, the familiarity of his living room and the temptation of his bedroom would thaw out the melting reluctance between them. They shared shy smiles, now stood by the front door.

"Hold on a sec..." Eric muttered, fishing in his pants pocket for his keys.

He turned around to open the door, and Kyle instantly shuffled closer to him. It was a chilly evening - early morning - and Kyle had long gravitated towards Eric in the bitter cold. He was so used it that he didn't question it, how could he be bothered by something that felt so comfortable? That is, until he felt a warm, shivering breath at the base of his neck. It seeped into his skin and slithered down his spine.

"Hey..." Kyle murmured, stroking Eric's arm.

It tensed immediately under Kyle's fingers, when Eric was so prone to melting under his touch. Maybe too much time had passed untouched, and unhappy? Kyle's fingers had jolted him back to life.

"Yeah?" Eric managed to reply.

The key clicked consensually in the lock, and Kyle sighed. He squeezed Eric's arm and tugged at him hard.

"Hey!"

Eric chuckled, hating how nervous it sounded. Rolling his eyes, he then turned his head.

"God damn it, wh-"

Kyle stole the rest of the word, reaching up to brush their lips together. Swift and gentle, like an addict parting their lips for a split-second to inhale second-hand smoke, or to lick a blob of icing off their finger. Head whirring, and body shaking with surprise, Eric watched, entranced, as Kyle attempted to lift his lidded eyes off of his mouth. He saw Kyle's tongue prod at his lip, deliberating. The anticipation was exhausting, they were both panting. Their eyes met, and Eric saw his own yearning reflection in Kyle's conflicted eyes. It seemed to be all the convincing they needed for their mouths to meet again. Harder this time, Eric felt Kyle's lips flush immediately under his, and his own lips felt numb when Kyle parted them with his tongue. In fact, his whole body felt weightless. He huffed when Kyle pressed him against the front door, fingers still grasping his arm tightly. Eyelids drooping shut, Eric managed to find Kyle's hair, giving it an encouraging, desperate tug when he tilted his head to deepen the kiss further. But it didn't ground him in anything other than Kyle, and while right now he felt like he could surrender to him completely, he needed some other support before he slid down the door, an infatuated puddle at Kyle's feet.

With his spare hand, he blindly felt for the door handle. But his grip soon grew lax and slippery when Kyle squeezed his side, and brought their bodies flush together. The door seemed to fall beneath Eric, opening wide and sending them stumbling into the dark living room.

"Shit!"

The sound of Kyle's soft laughter mellowed his thumping heart, and he grinned when he realised Kyle was still holding onto him, clutching fistfuls of his coat. The dim streetlight, and the moon's glow offered Eric only a glimpse of Kyle's face. He saw his hair falling into his brow, the springy curls he had grabbed poking at the sky in odd, static angles. He saw Kyle's eyes, glimmering and hooded, and his mouth stretched into a wide grin. He looked just as intoxicated by their broken abstinence as Eric felt. He didn't say a word as Kyle pressed him against the door again, softer this time, like he wanted to savour every second. Even their kiss was slow and indulgent, and a quiet hum slipped through Kyle's lips when their mouths parted.

"I've missed you..." he whispered, noses rubbing together.

Eric's heart clenched at hearing the words he had hoped were true, a sentiment he had been carrying around for months and now Kyle had echoed.

"I've missed you too," he replied, capturing Kyle's lips again before he could well up. "I've missed you so much, Kyle."

Kyle whimpered, the sweet, earnest sound making Eric's cock twitch. Their lips met, and were soon parted by hot, eager tongues. Inhibition, commitment, and the whole world seemed to be melting around them like the town in July, and Eric's empty, darkened living room felt warmer and stuffier than any crowded party. Kyle had shoved his thigh between Eric's legs, so cruelly close to the semi growing in his boxers. Eric gasped when Kyle kissed the corner of his mouth, and let his head loll against the door when Kyle dove for his neck, kissing him, nipping him, and sucking at the skin between his teeth. Eyes drifting shut, Eric moaned and let a wide, delirious smile stretch across his face until his cheeks began to hurt. He had got what he wanted after all, he was allowed to feel a little smug. He was pulled out of his reverie by Kyle giving his hair a soft tug, bringing their lips together without another word.

As wonderful as it felt just to be back in Kyle's arms, it only reminded him that he wanted so much more. He wanted to see, touch, taste, feel  _all_  of Kyle. Like it had been only a few months ago, when Eric could lock his bedroom door and still feel totally liberated with Kyle under the covers, in his embrace. He had been dreaming of it, yearning for it, and aching for it every lonely night he had spent thousands of miles away from Kyle. He had waited long enough, and with everything still so precarious between them he couldn't afford reluctance.

"Please fuck me..." he whispered, voice straining.

In his hazy vision, he saw Kyle's eyes widen like Eric had struck him rather than whispered to him.

"What?" Kyle murmured, eyebrows drawing together. "No!"

He practically recoiled from Eric, shaking all over like he had awoken from a nightmare. It nicked at a particularly sore insecurity Eric had buried, humiliation seeping out. It was potent enough to almost override his confusion. Kyle's shoulders drooped, his expression pained as if he was only just realising how his reaction may have come off. He stepped closer.

"Wait, Eric, I'm sorry, no," Kyle said, gentler but it still stung. "This..." he gulped, as though tasting something foul. He continued to tremble. "Th-th-this is wrong, I have a boyfriend-"

"So?" Eric interrupted with a shaky chuckle, in a discomfiting octave. There was still hope, there had to be. He had been waiting for this for so long. "What he doesn't know can't hurt him, and besides you're not gonna see him until the new year. We both want this, a-a-and maybe it's a good thing?"

Kyle was wincing, unconvinced. Eric took a quiet breath, and stepped towards him with lidded eyes, trying to be seductive.

"We can have some fun together, and you can get this all out of your system-"

He tilted his head to capture Kyle's lips, but Kyle turned away.

"Luke's flying in tomorrow..."

Eric slowed, praying that he'd misheard.

"Huh?"

Kyle met his eyes, but only for a second. He soon lowered them to the floor, sighing.

"I wanted everyone to meet him," he murmured. He rolled his eyes now. "It was gonna be a surprise..."

Anger was not a strange emotion for Eric to feel around Kyle. In fact, it was an emotion that had dominated the early years of their friendship. Devastation was rare, but Eric always dreaded it. It just seemed so unfair, to feel such a destructive, crushing, and humiliating emotion when he looked at someone who could make him so happy. Especially when Kyle knew that he had hurt him, when the regret, and pity was written across every feature Eric had memorised. A flicker of hate would try to ignite into something bigger, but right now Eric couldn't muster up the strength to direct it at anyone. He clenched his jaw until he felt like his teeth would shatter, tears burning his eyes and a scream clawing at his throat. He heard Kyle sigh, and he tried to close the gap between them once again. It wasn't helping, Eric didn't want Kyle anywhere near him now. He didn't want Kyle to see him like this.

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't," Eric managed to say. "Just leave."

Kyle frowned, brow creased.

"Eric, can you just-"

"Fuck off!"

Growling, Eric pushed Kyle away from him. But when he glanced at Kyle's bewildered face he hated what he had done. He wanted to apologise but he hated Kyle too right now, and maybe he even hated himself a little.

Kyle rolled his shoulders back, hardening against Eric's unruly emotions.

"Look, I'm not the only one who screwed up here, okay?" he said darkly.

Eric actually found it in himself to grin. It was mean and sardonic, but it was something.

"Yeah, I'm fucking aware of that!" he replied, seething again. "Just get the fuck out of my house!"

Kyle scowled, and Eric could tell a retort was burning in his throat.

"Fine!" he snapped.

Was that the best he could come up with? He marched out of the house before Eric could ask. Still, he'd had the last word, and Eric felt that he was more deserving of that.

"And hey!" he called out, watching Kyle storm off. "Fuck you!"

"Yeah, you fucking wish, asshole!" Kyle replied over his shoulder.

Growling, Eric slammed the door, hating just how right that bastard was.

* * *

Kyle's anger fizzled out far too quickly for his liking. He would have battled with it all night if it meant not having to admit defeat to the heavy, debilitating guilt that greeted him when he arrived home. His living room, silent and dark, only reflected his stupid, callous actions, and echoed his castigating thoughts. How could he do this to Luke? How could he have thought this was a good idea? Was he thinking at all? But when he was with Eric he felt like a different person, and Kyle still had no idea if that was a good thing or not. Clearly not tonight, he reasoned. Even when he had just narrowly missed cheating on Luke to an extent that anyone would deem unforgiveable, he could find no relief in that. He still betrayed Luke's trust, and he grimaced when he thought of picking Luke up tomorrow, happy and trusting when Kyle just gave him every reason not to be.

Eric was right about one thing. Luke didn't have to know, and no good would come of it if he were to find out. But there was no 'goodness' to be found at all in this sorry situation. Even Eric hadn't emerged unscathed. Kyle thought of his rejection of him, his clumsy words, and his anger, and wished they had never happened. But it was way too recent to so easily forget. He could still feel the phantom of Eric's lips, his heat, his body pressed against his. He leaned against the door, closing his eyes to shut the feeling out. But all he saw was Eric. He gritted his teeth and opened his eyes. Eric had disappeared from his thoughts, but he wasn't really gone. He was still waiting in the back of his mind, he was still tugging at his heart, and living under his skin. Kyle wondered just how far he had to go to get away from him, but he was starting to think he never could. The buried, inexplicable comfort he found in that came too naturally for him to be okay with, and that's exactly why he had smothered it in the first place.

Trudging upstairs to his bedroom, he remembered another thing he had kept hidden. It had been three months since he opened it, during that sleepless night before he left for college. It was comforting for about a second, but only prompted another agonising question that stole his sleep. Did he make the right decision? At least it distracted him from obsessing over college. Reaching his room, he then knelt down by his bed before he could even question why he was doing this. But he didn't care if it was misguided, and as far as impulsive, selfish decisions go, this was nothing compared to what had just happened at Eric's house.

Pulling the cardboard box out from under his bed it felt heavier than ever, even though it had been months since he had added anything. He blew the thin layer of dust off the lid, and sat on his bed. He took a bracing breath as he opened the box, but his heart still ached when the contents were revealed. They appeared more and more faded with every peruse, but Kyle's urge to restore them to their former vivid glory still burned as fervently. Those memories may be forever aging, but they would never vanish completely, and that was at least something.

Kyle had the idea for the box when he started dating Eric. It had been such a dizzying, exhilarating, and disorientating time that Kyle felt the need to document it just to get it through his own head that this was happening. Eric Cartman was his boyfriend, and it made him happier than he ever thought possible. In the box there was a crinkled movie ticket stub, that Kyle had rescued from his jeans pocket as soon as he came home from their first date. There was the birthday card he had found in his locker. Kyle remembered hiding his chuckles behind it in the hallway, reading Eric's attempt at a romantic sonnet. There were photos taken on the Polaroid camera Eric's mom had got him for Christmas. Eric had gladly scrawled on the bottom of each one with magic marker when Kyle asked if he could take them home. Eric had pleaded Kyle to tell him what he intended to do with the pictures, but just because the box was full of Eric didn't mean that Eric had to know about its existence. After all, if somebody wrote about him in their journal, Kyle wouldn't feel entitled to know what they wrote.

All of the photos were taken in Eric's bedroom. There were some unassuming, and unflattering photos Eric had taken of Kyle, with labels ranging from 'tired Kyle,', 'fucking nerd', to simply 'this guy is my boyfriend, wtf?!' There were also experimental photos that Eric let Kyle take. All of these photos were way too close to Eric's face, and at terrible angles. But a particular favourite of Kyle's was one of Eric not even looking at the camera, but looking up at him with a small, fascinated smile on his face. There were also photos Eric took of the two of them, lying over the sheets and pulling stupid faces. Kyle rolled his eyes and chuckled as he leafed through them, imagining that for any strangers looking at the photos it would be hard for them to believe that he and Eric could yell at each other like they had tonight. Against his better judgement, he wished he could return to those lazy, long afternoons. In those photos, the only thing on Kyle's mind was Eric.

Folded up neatly at the bottom of the box was one of Eric's t-shirts. Kyle had worn it home after leaving Eric's late one night, and after successfully sneaking back into his own house, he had folded the shirt away in the box like it was some kind of trophy. Lifting it out of the box it seemed bigger than he remembered, and unfolding it he recalled the times he had fallen asleep on top of Eric's wide chest. A lump pushed itself into his throat at the peaceful memory, his nose and eyes stinging. He pressed the t-shirt to his nose and inhaled the scent still buried there. Cheap, sharp cologne and lavender fabric softener. Kyle hoped it would never fade. To him, it was perfect.

He left the t-shirt on his bed while he packed the other mementos in the box. After pushing the box right under his bed until it was no longer visible, he stripped down to his underwear and slipped the t-shirt on. It was as comfortable as it had been when he first wore it. Sliding under the covers, he grasped the collar like it was the welcoming paw of a teddy bear and lifted it to his nose once more. He fell asleep to that familiar, treasured scrap of Eric, his heart heavy in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, for someone who is considered not that competitive, games and sports seem to be a reoccurring theme in my fics. Hmm. Oh well, Eric and Kyle are very competitive, after all - amongst other things in this fic. I hope you enjoyed and I'd love to know your thoughts! Thank you for reading!


	3. Maybe

_"No fucking way, asshole! That did not happen!"_

_"Why would I lie? I swear, they were in my locker!"_

_Kyle entered the combination of his own locker whilst he listened to Cartman and Kenny argue about the existence of a surprising Valentine's gift Kenny had received. It was a change, he guessed, from arguing with Cartman himself but not one he could be entirely comfortable with. Yelling at Cartman was a staple of his morning routine, and he felt a little peeved at being deprived of that. 'Jealousy' was a strong word that made him wince, but a lot of his feelings towards Cartman were discomfiting and buried under a layer of shame._

_Opening his locker, Kyle only saw his books and nothing else. Nothing that marked this day from the previous day, or the next one. Kyle smothered a sigh, though it didn't do too much to stop the disappointment and embarrassment welling up inside him. What did he expect though? He had no interest in putting himself out there the way Kenny did, nor did he have a special someone like Stan had. A person to flirt with, or to receive small tokens of affections from. He supposed he did_ have _a_ someone _, but did that count when he was trying so hard to shake them off? When they were completely oblivious to how he felt? How could he want someone and yet hate himself for it? It was a conundrum he had been wrestling with for years, and was unlikely to get clarity on when he saw Cartman every day. But what was the alternative? Not hang out with him anymore? It was too big of an ask. Kyle hurriedly gathered his stuff and shut his locker before anybody could notice how empty it was. No way would he let his humiliation be dragged out further._

_"You really expect us to believe that you found underwear in your locker?" he asked._

_He couldn't help himself but join in. Even if it meant technically being on Cartman's side._

_Kenny huffed, eyes wide and indignant._

_"I have them in my pocket right now!"_

_Kyle didn't know how to respond to that, and neither did Cartman. A rarity. The silence made Stan - so usually bored by conflict - raise his head from his phone._

_"Dude, really?" he asked._

_Kenny nodded._

_Kyle grimaced, and furrowed his eyebrows._

_"Why?"_

_Kenny shrugged, unfazed._

_"I don't know, to show you guys."_

_Stan, Kyle, and Cartman all glanced between each other, to spot if any of them knew this was all just a big joke._

_"Well?" Cartman asked, arching an eyebrow at Kenny. "Show us!"_

_Kyle tutted and rolled his eyes at what he'd been dreading._

_"I'm not looking," he announced, turning around._

_"Why not?" Kenny asked._

_"Because whoever put them in your locker only meant for you to see them, not us! It's, like, an invasion of her privacy and its gross."_

_"They don't belong to anyone!" Cartman argued. "That asshole probably just bought a pair so he could brag about them on Valentine's Day!"_

_"You really think I would do something that sad? Look, I'll show you them right now!"_

_There was another unsure silence, and despite his objections a part of Kyle wanted to turn around and look._

_"Shit..." Stan muttered conclusively._

_"More like bullshit," Cartman pointed out. "Nice one, Kenny, but I'm still not convinced..."_

_Kyle slowly took a peak over his shoulder, and his eyes widened at the panties hanging out of Kenny's pants pocket. They were dark purple, skimpy and silky. Kyle wouldn't turn around again until the rising heat on his face dissipated._

_"What the fuck, fatass!" Kenny snapped. "They're used!"_

_Kyle frowned and rolled his eyes again. He was so uncomfortable that it felt like he was folding in on himself, small enough to be near invisible._

_Cartman sighed._

_"This is getting embarrassing, Kenny, come on..."_

_"Wha- Kyle, you believe me, right?"_

_"Huh?" Kyle asked, shrill and alarmed. He spun around. "How would I know?"_

_"I saw you looking!"_

_Kyle flushed instantly and he scowled. He couldn't even argue when his voice had shrivelled in his throat._

_"Ha!" Cartman laughed, just when Kyle thought it couldn't get any worse. "Really? Damn, Kyle, I knew Kenny was a perv but I never thought-"_

_"I'm not a fucking perv!" Kenny and Kyle both shouted in unison._

_Their eyes met, wide and pissed off. Kenny huffed and shook his head, shoving the panties deeper into his pocket._

_"Whatever, I don't have to convince you assholes," he muttered. "I know I'm right. At least I had some Valentines unlike you sad sacks of shit..."_

_"Hey, I had a Valentine!" Stan snapped._

_"Gee, I wonder who that could be..." Cartman said with a wry smile, rolling his eyes._

_Kyle grinned, but soon pursed his lips to smother the laughter in his throat. His face was simmering._

_"And what about you, smartass, huh?" Kenny asked, giving Cartman a nudge._

_The wry smile on his face vanished, and his eyes flitted between his friends. The empathy Kyle felt for him was overwhelming, and it was unusual to see Cartman floundering for so long. It was like he was scrambling for his suit of armour, his bravado. A grin soon trembled on his face._

_"Pfft, as if I fucking care about a dumb, non-holiday. It's all crap. Besides, I don't need the validation of any of these stupid, stuck-up bitches."_

_Kenny snickered, unconvinced._

_"Sure..."_

_Kyle watched Cartman's wavering grin tighten into a scowl, his eyes boring into Kenny. However, he jumped when those intense, angry eyes met his, unexpected, and he felt like a voyeur._

_"Well, Kyle didn't have any Valentines either!"_

_Shame, panic, and humiliation hit Kyle like the bus Cartman was practically fucking throwing him under. His mouth clamped shut and his throat clenched. The eyes of his friends hit him like glaring, intimidating searchlights finding him out. But he couldn't let it paralyse him. No, he had to channel his embarrassment into something else. Anger seemed the preferable option, his own suit of armour._

_"How the hell do you know?!"_

_"Because you never do!" Cartman replied with a steadier, mean grin. "At least I've had a girlfriend!"_

_Kyle could feel his scowl crumple at the corners, his eyes burn with the promise of tears, and he hated himself for it. In the beginnings of their friendship, Cartman's jabs and taunts had simply been things for Kyle to react to. Making him irritable and restless, yes, but prompting him to execute his own move in the relentless sparring match that was their friendship. But Kyle was soon spoiled for moments of camaraderie, stifled, awkward intimacy that only two people who had known each other their whole lives could share, and startling moments of unexpected clarity that only nurtured his attraction, adoration, and fondness for Cartman. He couldn't wince at the pinpricks of Cartman's words and brush them off anymore. They stung, left a mark, and bled. But Kyle would never show it. He would never cry, and he would never miss the opportunity to twist the knife himself. It was what was expected of him, after all, and the anger he felt welling up inside him was hotter than anything he had experienced in a while. It was fuelled by his hurt, and it dried his eyes immediately._

_"Yeah, nine years ago in fourth grade, that's real fucking impressive! I may have never had a girlfriend, but at least I know I'm not gonna die alone! You know why you never have a Valentine from those supposedly 'stupid' girls? It's because they know how disgusting you are! Nobody in their right mind in this place would ever go out with you, because they wouldn't be able to live with themselves if they did! And even when you get out of here, and by some freak accident actually find someone, they'll be gone within a month because you're so fucking twisted you could never love anyone, and they could never love you!"_

_Kyle was seething when he finished, but in the thick, heavy silence his words were echoed back to him. The adrenaline ebbed away, and the victory of his reclaimed pride seemed so small compared to the guilt weighing on him. It appeared as though Stan and Kenny couldn't even breathe in the awkwardness. Kyle frowned, and his heart clenched when he saw Cartman's wobbling scowl, his eyes gleaming._

_"Um... I..."_

_His voice was threadbare, it was hard to even speak._

_Cartman tried to smile, brittle and fake. He shook his head, and his eyes hardened until they were inaccessible. A strange, inexplicable fear gripped Kyle's stomach._

_"Nah, you can save it," he said, clipped. "See you guys later."_

_Cartman slammed his locker shut and walked away without looking back, even when everybody's eyes were drawn to him. Kyle couldn't stop staring even if he tried. Kenny was the first to sigh, shaking his head._

_"Jesus, dude..." Stan muttered._

_"A little harsh, don't you think?" Kenny asked, arching an eyebrow at Kyle._

_Kyle scowled at him._

_"Shut the fuck up, Kenny! If you hadn't bragged about those fucking locker panties this would never have happened!"_

_Kenny's eyes widened and his jaw hung slack._

_"What?!" he replied, glancing between Stan and Kyle. "How the fu-"_

_"Whatever," Kyle cut in. He couldn't just stand there any longer. "I'll see you later..."_

_Just like Cartman, he didn't look back as he stormed off. Instead, he found Cartman in the distance and kept his gaze on him._

_"Kyle!"_

_He heard Stan shout, but he was already storming down the hallway._

_Kyle watched Cartman disappear into the bathroom, and he jogged to catch up with him. Unfortunately, there was no sign of Cartman in the bathroom when he reached it. One guy was washing his hands, while the other stood at one of the urinals. No doubt Cartman was in one of the stalls. He rolled his eyes, fidgeting as the seconds went on and the other guys still hadn't left._

_When they were finally alone, Kyle was surprised to hear sniffling coming from the stalls. He rode out the wave of guilt rushing over him, taking a bracing breath and approaching the stall. He knocked on the door._

_"Cartman? Cartman, I know you're in there. Are you seriously crying?"_

_"What? No!" Cartman snapped, fighting his sniffles._

_Meanwhile, Kyle fought his nervous, impatient fidgets._

_"Listen, I..." he closed his eyes, took another shaky breath. "I'm sorry. Really, I am. I was out of line, and I had no idea what I said would make you so upset-"_

_"Please. I'm not fucking upset."_

_Kyle couldn't help but smirk a little._

_"Okay, so when you're done in there can I at least explain myself?"_

_Kyle blinked and backed away from the door when he heard it unlock. There was a slow, solitary creak as it opened, revealing Cartman's blotchy, flushed face, and red wet, eyes. Kyle opened his mouth to speak, but no words would come out. With a scowl, Cartman grabbed his wrist and pulled him into the stall. With fumbling, shaking hands Kyle locked the door behind him. He didn't know why, when whether or not it was a good idea or a bad one remained to be seen. They were too close to hide anything now, everything was visible. Kyle thought he could alleviate the pressure by resisting the urge to stare. He noticed the toilet paper and ripped off a sheet, handing it to Cartman. With a hard, hurt look, Cartman snatched the small sheet and began to dab his face with it._

_"Cartman, I'm-"_

_"Just shut up, okay? Don't. I don't wanna hear your fucking apology."_

_Kyle huffed, face creased, and feeling worse. He had to make this right somehow, even if Cartman wasn't interested._

_"Cartman, please, I just-"_

_"No!" he shouted, making Kyle flinch. "No, I really don't wanna hear it. I know you just wanna feel better right now, but please don't fucking say it. I'm begging you."_

_Kyle was panting, desperately searching his mind for something to say. But it was impossible when it seemed like there was nothing more he could do._

_"I'm not an idiot, Kyle. I... I know what people think, and the more I think about the past, and the more years go by, I just..." Cartman stopped, lowering his head and shaking it. He took a deep breath before returning to Kyle again. "It's hard to keep believing the things I tell myself, no matter how much I want to. Maybe you're right?" he shrugged, with a sad, matter-of-fact smile that Kyle hated. "Maybe I am gonna die alone. But hey, I'll make the best out of it. If you think about it, it's actually fucking sweet. Doing whatever you want, not having to think about anybody else but yourself... sounds pretty awesome to me. No point thinking any differently, because maybe that's just the way it is. Just like you always telling me what I need to hear, no matter how much it pisses me off, or hurts my feelings." He tilted his head and smirked at Kyle, but it was too flimsy to be convincing. "Because I do have those, you know. But I've got the message now, and I'm cool with it. No one's ever gonna love me so-"_

_"Well, I was wrong!" Kyle snapped, just wanting to shut him up. "Okay? That's just not true!"_

_Cartman rolled his eyes, with a sardonic, half-smile._

_"Right," he replied. "Sure..."_

_Kyle growled under his breath, teeth gritted. He even reached for his hair like he was actually going to pull it out in frustration._

_"It isn't! There are..." Kyle sighed, softer and earnest. "Plenty of people out there who will love you, because... you'll make them love you."_

_Cartman stared at Kyle with a dent in his brow. He was finally listening._

_"How?"_

_"I don't know! Because..." Kyle searched his mind for reasons, but it didn't take him long. He thought about them, and observed them in Cartman every day, after all. "You're determined, and passionate, and when you care about something, you really fucking care. They'll love you because... you're smart." Kyle tilted his head and smiled. "Although it kills me to admit it, you're smarter than anyone realises. And they'll love you because... you'll make them laugh."_

_Any nerves Kyle felt when listing those qualities he admired and appreciated in Cartman at first, dissipated when Cartman began to smile. Flattered, and amused, and obviously loving this. That smile made it all worth it, exhilaratingly so._

_"They'll love you because you're fun to be around, because you're never boring, and - while you're annoying as hell - you're a challenge, and that's not necessarily a bad thing," Kyle continued, but his smile wavered as he approached more serious territory. "You just... have to think about other people a little more, and... trust them, and compromise with them, and be honest with them... and then you'll be all set for somebody to love you."_

_Kyle gave Cartman's shoulder a gentle, encouraging nudge. The soft smile on his face betrayed his heart pounding in his chest, his palms prickling with sweat. Those feelings, those observations were out in the world, spoken between them, and Kyle couldn't take them back. They were now soaring like freed birds Kyle was no longer able to cage, when he always assumed they would remain protected and concealed. Safe. At least he had Cartman's small, grateful smile to soothe him. Their unique reliefs were potent between them, a taut, weighty tension that wasn't entirely unpleasant. If neither of them spoke, or moved, then things would be as precariously blissful as this forever. But soon Cartman stepped forward. His seriousness made Kyle gulp, but he soon relaxed when he saw the shyness in his eyes._

_"Could... could you?" he asked._

_Kyle's eyebrows furrowed._

_"Huh?"_

_Cartman sighed, and rolled his eyes. Kyle noticed him shaking._

_"Could you be that person?" he asked again, stepping closer. The dent in his brow deepened. "Who could love me?"_

_Kyle gulped. Cartman had never looked so vulnerable, and yet he was the one who was trembling. He felt emptied now, like his feelings weren't his. They were just confessions he had to answer for, and he had no idea what the hell his answer was. If he was honest, even more honest than he had been with himself in these past few years, he would have said yes. Of course he could love Cartman, but that didn't mean he should. Any fantasy, or longing would be obliterated by reality. This wouldn't work, and could never happen. Kyle couldn't live with himself if he let this happen, or the type of person he would become. And yet, when Cartman was so close to him, practically pleading with him, that was just as hard to say as a simple 'yes'._

_"Uhh... Uhh, I-I-I don't..." Kyle was breathing faster now, his heart racing. "Cartman..."_

_Everything in Kyle slowed to the point of stopping when Cartman planted a swift, tender kiss on his lips. Bold and timid at the same time, it was over before Kyle could comprehend it but was more amazing than any late-night fantasy, or bored classroom daydream. Inexplicable tears had rushed to his eyes in a flood of relief, and frustration, and shame, and elation. It was all that he had wanted, and all that he had denied. They were both quivering in the small, humid space between their lips. Wide-eyed, and Kyle was blinking desperately to keep his tears from falling._

_"Umm..." Cartman whispered, pursing his lips. "Sorry, I-"_

_"It's okay," Kyle replied, wishing he hadn't._

_But Cartman smiled, and it made Kyle brave enough to smile too. It trembled, however, when Cartman reached out to fix a stray curl. His breath disappeared beneath Cartman's fingers as they brushed his cheek. Calmer, softer, he leaned in again with lidded eyes. But Kyle had to stamp the craving out. He had already slipped up too much today, he couldn't afford any more damage._

_"Wait, no..." he said , turning away._

_Kyle cringed at Cartman's creased, confused face._

_"I-I-I can't," he offered as an explanation. "I'm sorry... again..."_

_He had barely got his words out before he was unlocking the door, stumbling out of the stall and rushing out of the bathroom before Cartman - and what they had done - could catch up to him._

* * *

Eric was still simmering in humiliation as he stormed over to Kenny's house following the disastrous night before, his weary heart creaking with every step he took. Not long after Kyle had left he trashed his room, thankful that his mom's sleeping pills were strong enough so he could throw his belongings off his shelves, and kick over his desk chair in peace. Shaking, and with his adrenaline running on empty, he had cried into his pillow until he was exhausted. He was done with crying now. Eric knew it got you nothing but toys if your mother was as weak-willed as his and you had turned tantrums into an art like he had. But this rejection, this hitch, and obstacle required more than sheer persistence to overcome it. No, this required resilience, determination, and cunning. As much as he relished a challenge, he often wished Kyle would be anything but. In those blissful moments where Eric lounged in contentment and smugness, fully aware of just how great he and Kyle were together, being with Kyle came so easily. But if love songs, and romcoms had taught him anything, it was that the course of true love never did run smooth. Sometimes you needed to play dirty in battle to win the war, or the guy you've been crazy about since day one.

After two short, hard knocks on Kenny's weathered front door, Eric waited with his hands shoved in his pockets. Admittedly, he was a little disappointed to be greeted by Karen McCormick.

"Oh." he frowned. "You... uh, is your brother home?"

"Nice to see you too, Cartman," Karen replied with a wry smile. "Yeah, he's here. He's getting ready for work."

"Can I talk to him?"

"Cartman?" Kenny asked before Karen could answer. He was slipping a coat over his shoulders as he left his bedroom. "What's up, man?"

"I need to talk to you."

Karen shrugged when Kenny glanced at her for answers.

"Well... now's not a good time-"

"It's important," Eric cut in, eyes boring into his friend.

That seemed to kill any retort Kenny had. He began to nod, and then sighed.

"Fine. You can walk with me."

He patted Karen on the shoulder as he headed out the door.

"See you later," he said. "I'll be home by six."

"Cool..." Karen nodded, smiling. "Bye, Cartman."

"Yeah, see you, Karen..." Eric replied before she closed the door.

"Well?" Kenny asked as they started to walk, tucking his hands in his pockets too to shield them from the cold. "What is it?"

Eric sighed, after obsessing over this for hours he still didn't know if he was ready to talk about it out loud.

"It's about Kyle," he admitted, and discovered the sting hadn't subsided.

"What... you actually hooked up last night? You're back together now?"

Eric rolled his eyes, prickling at what he wished were true.

"Not exactly, not yet... but I was real fucking close last night. We went to my place after the party, and he kissed  _me_ , Kenny! Like, I invited him over, but he made the first move. He was all over me! Fucking cock-tease..."

"So what happened?"

"Well, after I told him what I wanted like any decent person, he freaked out and got all panicky, and guilty, and moral, and...  _Kyle_... about it! Where were his fucking principles when he had his tongue down my throat, huh? He's so concerned about being 'fair' to that Luke asshole but what about being fair to me?! What the fuck?! He owes more loyalty to me than he does to that fucking douchebag! I've been there for him the longest! We have all this history! I'm the one he really wants! But all he cares about is Luke! I'm fucking sick of saying his stupid name... and I'm fucking sick of Kyle too! Fuck him!"

He was seething now, his body soaking up all that anger he thought he had expelled. It was like scratching madly at a wound and watching it bleed all over again.

"Shit..." Kenny muttered beside him. "I'm sorry, man, really. It sucks."

"Yeah, you're fucking telling me... and what's even worse is that now I'm gonna have to see them walking around town arm-in-arm, all mushy, and gooey, and pretending that they're happy until new year."

"Wait, hold up, Luke is coming here?"

Eric looked over his shoulder when he noticed Kenny had stopped walking alongside him, eyes wide and eyebrows raised.

"Oh, yeah, you don't know... Luke is coming today. Act surprised."

Kenny shook his head, catching up to Eric.

"So that's why Kyle wanted us to all go out tonight..."

"Huh?" Eric asked, arching an eyebrow. But then he remembered and he felt like crumbling to the sidewalk. "Oh shit, yeah, at Sizzler! I totally forgot about that, God damn it!"

"So... what are you gonna do now?"

Eric shrugged, and came to a stop. He was yet to figure out the mechanics, but he knew what had to be done. It was obvious, wasn't it?

"The only thing I can do..."

Kenny sighed, and placed a firm hand on Eric's shoulder.

"I hear you, buddy," he replied softly, nodding.

Eric nodded too. He had no choice.

"Break them up," he said, as he continued to stroll.

"What?" he heard Kenny exclaim behind him. He jogged to catch up with him. "No! Cartman, no, that's not what I meant!"

"I don't care what you meant," Eric replied, not looking back and keeping the growing smile on his face all to himself. "It's happening."

"Aww, come on, man!" Kenny pleaded.

Eric didn't need to answer, nothing was going to make him change his mind. He had been compliant up until now, anything to keep Kyle by his side. But Kyle had still drifted, met someone new, and moved on - or so he let everyone believe. But Eric wasn't buying it, and he would prove it. Why should he not do anything to get Kyle back?

* * *

_2am, and Kyle was still wide awake. But how could he sleep? Whenever his weary eyelids drooped he saw Cartman's face, heard his soft, earnest words, and felt the press of his lips. It should have been a fantasy to lull him into sleep, not a ghost that kept him up. He looked to his ceiling for answers, as if it were a chalkboard he could scribble solutions on, spill his thoughts onto. But he knew answers lay beside him on his nightstand. He could call Cartman, apologise, explain himself, and ask the questions that had been bubbling in his subconscious for years but had now erupted. But it was too late now. He'd had all day to do that. Too bad he spent most of the day avoiding Cartman. But Cartman made no complaints. Kyle had barely looked at him, opened his mouth around him, for the first time in their friendship he was afraid of upsetting him. Guilt had been clutching Kyle's stomach all day, whenever he glanced at Cartman's stung, hurt face._

_He wondered then, what Cartman was doing right now. Was he sleeping like Kyle wished he could? Resigned to putting this whole mess behind him like every other crushing, humiliating defeat Cartman had encountered in his life, moving forward with no reflecting and no backwards glance? Or was he plotting his revenge? Hunched over an elaborate plan to get Kyle back for what he had done, wide, wild eyes framed by dark circles? Was he crying? Sobbing the tears he had been bottling up into his pillow? Or, like Kyle, was he obsessing? Staring up at his ceiling, and unable to move in the molasses of this scary, unfamiliar territory that they had waded into? One thing was for sure, Kyle had to know. They had to talk before another excruciating, long day began, with this suffocating secret wedged between them._

_Taking a long, deep breath Kyle reached for his phone before he could change his mind. Still, as his thumb hovered over Cartman's name, he wondered exactly what he should say, when of course he_ knew  _what he_ wanted _to say. It had been doing laps in his head since his admission in the bathroom, since Cartman kissed him. He wanted to tell Cartman how he felt, and had been feeling for years. He wanted to tell him that some deep, burning, inexplicable part of him wouldn't be placated until they were together. But his common sense was screaming at him that it would be a huge mistake, and his ego would never recover. He would whisper to Cartman that he wanted to be brave, despite his doubts he wanted to give this a shot. What was the alternative? Spend the remainder of senior year pretending they hadn't kissed? Watch Cartman leave? Move on with someone who he would love the way Kyle taught him to, the way Kyle wanted to be loved by him? And what would he do? Find someone who wasn't Cartman, and never stop wondering, or mourning that chance not taken. Maybe yesterday Kyle could've lived with that compromise. Told himself it was for the best, and use that reasoning to adapt. Not now he had tasted a drop, saw a bright spark of a promising, exhilarating_ something _flicker in the corner of his eye. It couldn't be undone. Pressing the phone to his ear, he realised there was no going back. He was shaking as he waited for Cartman to answer._

_"Yeah?"_

_Kyle jumped at the sound of Cartman's voice like he didn't expect to hear it._

_"Oh... hey," Kyle replied, coughing to get rid of the sleepy rasp. "Hi, s-s-sorry it's late." He squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head at his inarticulacy. "I mean, I know it's late, I just-"_

_"It's okay. I wasn't sleeping."_

_Kyle smiled, relieved and feeling a little less alone in their silent, dozing town._

_"Me neither."_

_A chuckle escaped before he could stop it, and even though Cartman didn't laugh he could easily imagine him smiling._

_"What's up?" he asked._

_"Nothing, I..." Kyle closed his eyes and sighed, hating his response. He started again. "I just wanted to talk to you about what happened earlier. In the bathroom-"_

_"Yeah, what about it?" Cartman cut in, starving that sore memory of any oxygen._

_Kyle sighed, rubbed at this tired eyes._

_"I feel weird about it," he replied, cursing himself again for not being able to say what he meant. "I mean, I feel bad."_

_"Well, you should."_

_Kyle's shoulders drooped, his eyes wandering to the foot of his bed._

_"I'm sorry..."_

_"Thanks..." Cartman replied, gentle. "I guess."_

_Kyle couldn't help but snicker to himself._

_"Is that it?"_

_"No... no, wait, that's not what I really wanted to say," Kyle replied, afraid that Cartman would hang up any minute. "What I wanted to say was..." Kyle took a deep breath, unsteady when his heart was battering his ribcage, when he was suddenly sweating during a winter morning. "I've been thinking. About that question you asked me and... maybe."_

_"Maybe what?"_

_Kyle huffed, gritting his teeth and rolling his eyes. He needed Cartman to understand before the nauseating fear could make him throw up._

_"Maybe I could be that person... who could love you. I wanna try."_

_Silence had never scared him more. He gripped the sheet beneath him as waited for Cartman's response, feeling every agonising second slip away._

_"Cartman?" he asked when he couldn't take it anymore. "Cartman, are you still there?"_

_"Yeah..." Cartman whispered, sounding as small as Kyle felt in the wake of his confession. "Yeah, I'm here."_

_A smile began to spread across his face before he could remind himself it could be premature._

_"You know what I'm trying to say, right?" he asked._

_"I think so," Cartman replied slowly. "I just don't wanna be wrong."_

_Emboldened now, Kyle had the confidence to be clearer._

_"Will you go out with me?"_

_Another silence, not so scary._

_"Suh-seriously?"_

_Kyle chuckled, biting his lip to control his smile, and nodding._

_"Yeah, seriously, Cartman," he replied. Fiddling with the sheet again, he felt his face grow warmer. "I wanna go out with you."_

_"I wanna go out with you too..."_

_Kyle's breath snagged on that admission, only being released when they shared shaky, delighted chuckles. Never did Kyle think this would be possible, stealing late night conversations with Cartman, not even talking but his face hurting from the weight of his smile._

_"Holy shit..." Cartman muttered._

_"I know."_

_"I can't believe this is happening..."_

_Kyle chuckled again, swaying on his bed._

_"Me neither," he replied. His smile wavered then, when he was reminded of reality "But..."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Let's just keep this to ourselves, okay? I don't wanna tell anyone."_

_Sobering silence, enough to frighten Kyle all over again._

_"Cartman? That's okay, right?"_

_"Wh..." Cartman huffed. "What if it wasn't though?"_

_Kyle froze, only blinking._

_"Wh-what do you mean?_

_"What if it wasn't a secret?" Cartman asked. "Would that be, like, a deal breaker?"_

_Kyle gulped, realising it was. If only for preservation, a compromise between what, and who he wanted to have, and what he wasn't willing to let go. But had he pulled too far? Had he ruined this before it had begun?_

_"Yeah... yeah, it would be. It is."_

_"Oh..."_

_Kyle sighed, desperate for a compromise._

_"For now at least. I don't wanna put pressure on this, or turn it into a big deal, or for everybody to judge-"_

_"Fine."_

_"Fine?" Kyle asked, furrowing his eyebrows. "What does that-"_

_"Fine," Cartman replied. Bright and blithe, the word seemed to make all the tension disappear. "I'll be your secret boyfriend."_

_Kyle could feel his heart prickle, warm and now misty-eyed._

_"Really?" he whispered, smiling. "Cartman, that's... that's great. Thank you."_

_"No problem," Cartman replied, the grin evident in his voice._

_Kyle didn't want to hang up, despite the silence it felt like they were nurturing this new, barely-begun bond between them. Still, it was getting late and he needed to be up in four hours. He had no idea what else he could say except parting words he only half-meant. If only he had admitted all this to Eric in person, at least he would have a chance to kiss him. But maybe he could steal a kiss tomorrow? When he felt bold enough in a private moment? He yawned._

_"Okay, well, I guess... good night."_

_"Good night... babe."_

_Kyle rolled his eyes and flushed from head to toe. It felt odd and discomfiting, to hear that word come from Cartman's mouth, but he was still smiling._

_"I think we should hold off on the pet names," he replied, wrinkling his nose._

_"Alright. Good night... boo," Cartman continued, voice dripping with glee. "Sweetheart. Apple of my-"_

_"I'm hanging up now!" Kyle interrupted, laughing._

_Hanging up, Kyle returned his phone to his nightstand. He grinned despite his cheeks aching, and closed his eyes although he didn't fall asleep. But he didn't care. He was too happy, too excited, and in complete and utter disbelief at what had just happened, at what he and Cartman just started._

* * *

Kyle had clasped his restless hands together but his stubborn, interlaced fingers still wouldn't stop fidgeting. He chewed at his lip as he stared at the arrivals board, both wishing for more seconds and willing them to fade away. He had missed Luke's company, and when he felt so terrible, confused, and alone he hoped his boyfriend would be a calming, reassuring presence. But how could he relax when he was keeping such a devastating secret from him? How could he be alleviated of his worries when they would hurt Luke so much? But the most pressing question for Kyle, was how was he going to shift this unease when he had no choice but to bottle it up, and to face Luke, and Eric, everyday? He had never been more torn, wanting to run away, and into Luke's arms at the same time. Maybe he could tell him? If he found the right words, the right time, and place? Perhaps the keeping of a secret was more offensive, more unforgiveable, than the secret itself? Kyle had been trying to answer that question since the day he started dating Eric, and he was no closer to a conclusion.

Then, among the tired crowd rushing into the arms of smiling relatives, Kyle saw Luke. He was waving and grinning as he made his way towards him. Bright, and oblivious, and happy to see him. Kyle couldn't ruin that. Sighing, he found it surprisingly easy to return the smile, and approached Luke too. They were soon within touching distance, and Kyle had never wanted to hug him more, to press him close and shield the both of them from any mistakes that could destroy them.

"Hey!" Luke beamed, setting his suitcase down and throwing his arms around Kyle's shoulders.

"Hey..." Kyle smiled into the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent. It was irresistible, reminding him just how good he had it with him. He lifted his head to place a chaste kiss on his lips. "I'm so glad to see you..."

Luke blinked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"You really missed me that much?" he asked, chuckling. "It's only been, like, two days."

Kyle pulled back, anxiety stealing his breath. He had spent all morning debating if he should tell Luke, that he didn't even consider his guilty conscience would betray him with telling words and actions.

"Oh, well, yeah... yeah, I did. I, um-"

"Babe, it's okay." Luke smiled, cupping Kyle's cheek and finding his worried gaze. "I was just kidding. I really missed you too, you know."

Kyle lowered his head slightly, his cheek warming under Luke's palm.

"Thanks..." he smiled, before remembering Luke's suitcase by his feet. "Um, here, let me take your case."

"Thanks!"

Kyle pulled his case along, and they linked hands as they made their way out of the airport.

"How was your flight?"

"Okay, I guess. I tried to sleep, but I'm just so excited to see where you grew up!"

Kyle chuckled, quiet and thin.

"Yeah, South Park is really... something..."

"And all your friends have come home, haven't they?" Luke asked. "I can't wait to meet them!"

Kyle tried to hide his grimace, wishing he could share Luke's enthusiasm. But then, if he hadn't dated one of them, he was sure he would feel the same way about introducing his current boyfriend to his friends. It was hard to regret what he and Eric had though, when in spite of his own worries, it was the happiest time of his life so far, when his and Luke's relationship had barely started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There'll be a lot more of these high school flashbacks as the fic goes on, just so you guys have a chance to see Eric and Kyle happy while they're stuck in a love triangle. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed. I'd love to hear your thoughts, as always!


	4. Say My Name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this update took so long, but hopefully future updates will be more frequent. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and thank you so much for reading and sticking around! As always, I'd love to know your thoughts!

Although this evening at Sizzler was hardly going to be a pleasant one, Eric was actually relieved when Kenny arrived at his house to pick him up. He had been restless all day, stewing in resentment, and fidgeting with the details of a plan he was dying to put into action. All the while he could only torture himself with thoughts of Kyle, and Luke. What were they doing, would they be all over each other tonight, and was Kyle thinking about Eric at all? Their kiss, Eric's feelings, and their time together? They were sore, irritating spots flaring red with rejection. Eric's only salve was imminent victory, winning Kyle back would make the rejection, the bitterness, every single moment of hurt worth it. He needn't worry about defeat. He couldn't contemplate losing. Luke may have been a nice guy, but Eric had the edge. He had history, he had chemistry, he had the fervid memory of every blissful, exhilarating moment with Kyle and knew what was between them was real, and special. Even when the universe - and Kyle - made it all so much harder than it needed to be. But nothing worth having ever came easy, and Kyle was a shining example of that, and nothing would change his mind. Especially Kenny, who had been nagging him the entire walk over.

"Promise me, Cartman!" he begged. "Promise me you'll behave tonight!"

"Okay, for the millionth fucking time, I promise I'll behave! What the hell does that even mean, anyway?"

"That you won't do anything stupid!"

"Oh come on, I was never going to do anything  _stupid_ ," Eric argued, rolling his eyes. "I have a plan, remember?"

In a final, desperate attempt to convince Eric not to go through with this, Kenny grabbed his shoulders and pulled him close just as he was about to reach for the door.

"Enough with the plans! Enough with the scheming, and the meddling! Dude, you need to move on, okay?" Kenny pleaded, staring at Eric wearily with a crease in his brow. "For all our sakes, and especially yours! Please, just don't do this..."

Eric gritted his teeth, fighting the urge to shove Kenny away from him. No, he had to be in control now. If his emotions got the better of him then doubt would start to creep in, and he couldn't afford that. He shook his head.

"You don't understand, Kenny. What Kyle and I had...  _have_... you don't let it go without a fight. Hell, you don't let it go  _period_."

He slipped out of Kenny's hold the moment it started to loosen. He shoved open the door, and soon saw Stan, Kyle and...  _Luke_... occupying a familiar booth. Kyle and Luke were sat far too close together, and Kyle was pointing at the menu. He loved telling other people about things he knew and they didn't, and once Eric had gladly indulged him. Luke had appeared to fill that vacancy though, smiling and nodding along like he knew he was in possession of something that someone else wanted.

Stan soon spotted Eric and Kenny, and waved them over. It prompted Kyle and Luke to pull their attention away from each other, and that shifted attention struck Eric a lot harder than he thought it would. But he took a deep breath and adorned his best, shallow smile, striding over to their booth with Kenny following him.

"Hi!" Luke exclaimed when they reached their booth, with an admittedly striking grin.

It was something that Eric knew Kyle couldn't resist - a good smile. Kyle had told Eric that he thought his grin was one of his best features.

Kyle glanced between Eric and Luke, obviously not expecting Luke to be so forward.

"Um, Luke, these are my friends, Kenny and Cartman," he said, the words rushing out of his mouth like they came too late.

"It's nice to meet you," Luke added, rising from his seat to shake Kenny's hand.

"Nice to meet you too, man." Kenny nodded.

"And Cartman... I've heard so much about you!"

Now that Eric wasn't expecting. He blinked, his smile widening as he returned Luke's handshake.

"Oh, really?" he asked, but his gaze was preoccupied with Kyle.

"Cartman, can I talk to you?" Kyle asked, out of his seat before Eric could even answer.

"Sure, Kyle..."

Kyle offered Luke one last, tight reassuring smile before marching to the bathroom with Eric in tow.

"What's up?" Eric asked when they were alone.

Kyle sighed, eyes closed.

"I know you're probably still pissed about what happened last night-"

"No," Eric cut in, shrugging. "Not at all."

Kyle stared at Eric, perhaps trying to reconfigure his guilty speech now that Eric had thrown him off.

"Seriously?" he asked.

"Yes?" Eric replied, arching an eyebrow. He was not at all sorry that he deviated from Kyle's script. "Would it be better if I was pissed?"

"No! No, of course it wouldn't, don't be an asshole!" Kyle snapped, cheeks pinking. "It's just that... I get that this might be hard for you. You know, Luke being here, considering we broke up not so long ago..."

"Again, not true."

Kyle glared at Eric, his already low supply of patience dwindling. He rubbed his forehead, and sighed.

"Just please be nice to Luke, okay?" he begged, exhausted already and Eric had barely said two words to Luke. "Make him feel welcome. Will you do that for me?"

"Well, I've never made anybody feel welcome anywhere so I don't know why I need to make an exception for this guy."

"Because you're my fucking friend! And Luke means a lot to me, and if I meant  _anything_  to you, you would do this!"

Eric snickered, sour and rueful. His new role in Kyle's life was hard to accept considering recent events.

"So that's all I am now?" he asked. "Your friend?"

Kyle huffed, eyes avoiding Eric. He wrapped his arms tight around his chest.

"Yes," he murmured, finally able to look Eric in the eye. "I thought that was pretty clear when we broke up."

Eric wanted to argue, but knew it would only set him back. Being friendly and polite to an irritant like Luke was sure to be a difficult and frustrating venture that would ultimately pay off. Disarming the guy was the best way to defeat him.

"Fine," Eric replied, fixing a smile. "I'll be nice."

His heart creaked when Kyle returned the smile, warm and grateful. Eric was glad his heart was locked inside his chest, out of sight. It was sure to be the only part of him that would give anything away.

"Thanks. Oh, and um..." Kyle pursed his lips, and glanced at the floor before he continued. "Luke doesn't know that we dated."

Anger welled up inside Eric, and he shook his head and chuckled derisively to relieve the tension.

"Why am I not surprised..." he muttered.

"Eric..." Kyle said, quiet and solemn.

It was only his name, and yet whenever Kyle spoke it, solitary and earnest, it weakened Eric. It made him malleable, and soft, and exposed everything he would rather keep hidden, that he was embarrassed he had. Sometimes that was exhilarating, emboldening even. Often Kyle uttered his name like a spell to cure him of every bad feeling. But not now.

"Okay." He nodded. "I won't say a word."

"Thank you." Kyle smiled again, shyer this time.

* * *

_It had been three weeks since their first kiss, since Kyle had called him up in the middle of the night and asked him out, and since Eric had discovered a whole new world. A world that existed in oblivious harmony to the world he had been living in for the past eighteen years. As far as everybody else knew, nothing had changed. He was still himself, though maybe a little mellower, a little more patient now that he was under the influence of Kyle's affection. The portal to his newly discovered paradise was simply opening his front door and revealing Kyle's smiling, coy face. They were still adjusting to this new development in their relationship, but after a few seconds of being alone together they would relax in each other's company. It was just like old times, but Eric felt comfortable enough this time to really enjoy spending time with Kyle. In this new world there was no need to feel suspicious, bitter, unfulfilled. Of course, when something was so great, and Eric couldn't believe his luck, he would be lying if he said he didn't want a little bit more. But more daring intimacy would soon come, like revealing themselves to each other, and revealing their relationship to everyone else. But when his fingers were linked with Kyle's, or when they rested their heads on each other's shoulders, or when they kissed for hours, Eric felt content, and the sting of their secrecy was soothed._

_Besides, just because he couldn't flaunt his new relationship didn't mean he couldn't think about it whenever he could. He was thinking about it during the entire journey to school, sat in the backseat of Kyle's car while Stan (as usual) rode shotgun. He couldn't be too annoyed though, when he noticed Kyle looking at him in the rear view mirror. He smiled, and didn't let it go, now reassured and smug._

_"Can we change the music, please?" Kenny asked. "This is way too depressing for a Monday morning."_

_"It's Stan's phone," Kyle replied. "It's his turn to pick the music today."_

_"You don't like The Smiths, dude?" Stan asked._

_"Sorry," Kenny said with a shrug, before leaning forward. His arm was propped on top of Kyle's headrest. "So, Kyle, when is it my turn?"_

_"Wednesday. It's Eric's turn tomorrow. Besides, we're almost there."_

_Eric froze at the mention of his name - his_ first _name. The first time Kyle had referred to him by his first name since they started dating, and he had said it in public! In front of Stan and Kenny! So naturally too, so normally, like he had never called him anything else. Eric's palms were damp with sweat, his heart racing with overjoyed adrenaline. He had to bite his cheek to stop himself from mentioning it, from leaning over, cupping Kyle's face and bringing their lips together. But he didn't, because he felt too good to kill them all in a fiery car crash, or ruin this by letting his excitement compromise their secret._

_Soon, they pulled into the quiet parking lot, and Eric saw an opportunity to revel in this fully. They all filed out of the car, and when Stan and Kenny walked on ahead - no doubt deep in conversation about music selection for future car journeys - Eric wrapped his fingers around Kyle's wrist and gave him a small tug. Eric swore he felt his pulse quicken beneath his fingers._

_"What?" Kyle whispered, eyes wide._

_"I need to talk to you," Eric replied, unable to stop smiling._

_Kyle raised his eyebrows, and glanced around the parking lot._

_"Now?"_

_"Yeah, over here..."_

_"Wh-"_

_Eric had already pulled Kyle towards him before he could finish, and they now stood between two cars. Kyle was looking over his shoulder, watching an oblivious Stan and Kenny disappear into the distance._

_"Okay, what is it?" he asked, fidgeting._

_Eric's cheeks were aching he was grinning so hard._

_"You called me 'Eric'."_

_"Huh?" Kyle asked, eyebrows furrowed. Eric watched with delight as a pink blush crawled up Kyle's throat. "No, I didn't!"_

_"Uh-huh." Eric nodded. "I heard you in the car!"_

_"No, you didn't!"_

_Eric bit his lip to smother his delighted laughter and moved in closer._

_"I did! Kyle, I know what I heard, and I heard you calling me 'Eric.' Just admit it!"_

_A smile quivered at the corners of Kyle's mouth. He gave in with a huff, and rolled his eyes._

_"So what if I did?" he asked, still smiling._

_On a cold morning, Eric was starting to warm up too. He couldn't find the words for how happy Kyle simply saying his name made him, even hyperbole would've felt like understating it. He simply shrugged._

_"It just sounded nice, that's all," he replied, finding Kyle's hands and weaving their fingers together. "I like it."_

_Kyle's smile started to widen, his eyes lidded as he stared at Eric. But he soon began to glance around the parking lot again, and tried to untangle his fingers. Disappointment nicked at Eric's bliss and he moved in closer, grasping Kyle's hands._

_"It's alright," he murmured. "Nobody can see us."_

_To prove it, Eric kissed Kyle's forehead creased with concern. His face softened with surprise, and Eric took that as an opportunity to kiss Kyle's cheek. It swelled with a grin, and Eric smiled against Kyle's skin. He then kissed the other cheek, and when Kyle started to giggle, he kissed his nose and then his chin._

_"Say it again, Kyle," he whispered._

_"Eric..."_

_He watched Kyle's mouth form the word, but refrained from kissing him on the lips._

_"One more time?" he asked._

_"Eric..." Kyle gladly replied._

_He collapsed into giggles as Eric repeated his pattern of kisses, faster now. They shielded him from a world Kyle was so scared of, so concerned in protecting them from like they were so fragile the scrutiny would break them. Giggling, grinning, cheeks flushed and eyes sparkling, he was carefree, and beautiful. Eric didn't want it to end._

_"Keep going."_

_Kyle laughed._

_"Eric, Eric, Eric!"_

_His eyes widened when Kyle grabbed his hair and smashed their lips together. His eyes soon fluttered shut and he melted into the kiss, pressing Kyle against a car and their bodies flush together._

_"Shit, do you know whose car this is?" Kyle asked when they pulled away, breathless._

_"The principal's."_

_Kyle froze, but not before recoiling from the car like it was drenched in piss, or bursting with bananas._

_"Really?"_

_"No?" Eric chuckled. "I don't fucking know."_

_Kyle scowled, but his bright eyes betrayed him. He nudged Eric's arm._

_"Come on, we better go," Kyle said, reaching for Eric's wrist and giving him a tug. "We're gonna be late."_

_Eric followed wordlessly, feeling like he could do so forever._

* * *

Even if Eric had wanted to wholeheartedly carry out his promise to Kyle of being nice to Luke, the guy wasn't doing himself any favours. Every single thing he did pissed Eric off. The way he smiled, laughed, ordered his food, sipped at his drink, fucking  _breathed_  plucked at Eric's nerves. Although Luke apparently had no idea that Eric was once Kyle's boyfriend, Eric could've sworn he was gloating whenever he mentioned Kyle's name, or pulled him into a conversation like Kyle was a crutch for his annoying, lame personality. Or whenever they laughed together, passed each other napkins, or straws, or just acted like they were the only two people in the entire restaurant. Lack of attention always made Eric antsy, and he craved it from Kyle more than anyone. But now Kyle was oblivious, pre-occupied, not even thinking about what he was doing and how it affected Eric - or even thinking about him at all - and Eric felt like he may as well be back in Wisconsin. He looked happy,  _they_  looked happy, sealed off in a smug, infatuated bubble that was floating further and further from Eric's reach and was impossible to burst. But he wouldn't give up. Instead, he hid his scowl behind his burger and tried to pass the time by devising the quickest way to get Luke out of South Park forever.

"So, uh, Luke, how did you and Kyle meet?" Kenny asked.

Eric glanced at Kyle and Luke, and saw them exchanging tight, coy smiles.

"We met at orientation," Luke replied. "Kyle and I live in the same dorm, across the hall from each other, actually. Kyle asked me if I wanted to get a cup of coffee with him, and it just sort of went from there."

_Really? That soon?_

Eric's heart stung at the realisation, leaving him reeling. He had spent his first month in Wisconsin feeling angry, and cheated, and crying whenever he had a moment to himself because he ached whenever he thought of Kyle. He had taken comfort in the thought that Kyle felt just as lonely, just as confused, and perhaps even regretting the decision he had made. But apparently he had already moved on, and had probably not given his break-up with Eric a second thought when he was in Luke's bed. He swallowed the bitter lump in his throat, and smirked to himself because no way would he shed tears in front of Luke. He wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

"Wow, that was quick..." he muttered.

He could feel Kenny freeze beside him, and he could sense Kyle's wide, nervous gaze boring into him without even looking up from his burger.

"What was that?" Luke asked, chuckling. It was thin and unsure.

Eric almost choked on his food when Kenny's bony elbow nudged him in his side.

"I just said it was pretty quick, you two getting together," Eric replied, with an unwavering, disarming smile.

"Oh..." Luke nodded, before smiling again. "Well, I never thought about it that way. But I guess it was, I just really liked him."

Luke reached out for Kyle's hand on the table, and Eric stared as their fingers clasped together in what felt like hideous slow motion. Eric noticed Kyle returning Luke's smile, but when their eyes met - so familiar, so comfortable, enough to snatch Eric's breath away - the smile disappeared and Kyle let Luke go.

"Anyway, what are you guys up to?" Luke asked. "Kyle has already told me so much about you, but I'd love to know more!"

"Clearly not everything..." Eric muttered.

"Sorry, what?"

Eric ignored Luke, more interested in a mortified Kyle, shrinking into his seat.

"Just ignore him," Kenny replied. "He's being a sarcastic asshole like always, you'll get used to it."

Eric noticed Kenny glaring at him out of the corner of his eye, but chose to ignore it.

"Oh... oh, okay." Luke nodded, a crease appearing in his brow. "Um, Kenny, Kyle tells me you're doing a psyche class at community college? That's great!"

"Thanks." Kenny smiled. "I wanna be a counsellor so I figured that was a good place to start. And I'm working at Happy Burger too, so I can save up and get my own place. I do  _not_  wanna stay here forever..."

Luke chuckled, nodding.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I come from a little town in Oregon and, like, I miss it I guess, but I didn't know how much I needed a change of scenery until I went to college. Stan, you're in California, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, I love it." Stan nodded, still looking a bit startled, recovering from the tension. "Like you said, it's uh... a real change of scenery."

"Yeah, I'll bet!" Luke grinned. Eric noticed Luke glancing at him, timid and unsure. It almost made him want to grin too, wide and goading. "Um, Cartman, you're in Wisconsin, aren't you? So maybe that's not too different, right?"

"No, I guess not," Eric replied, not looking up from his food and continuing to eat as he spoke.

"And you're doing languages, aren't you?" Luke pressed, voice wavering.

"Yeah. Mandarin."

"Wow, that's interesting! So do you wanna be a teacher like Kyle?"

Eric shook his head and grimaced.

"Nah, I don't wanna spend my life trying to teach some snot-nosed brats their ABCs."

"So... if you don't mind me asking... why do you wanna learn another language?"

"Because being fluent in any language gives you plenty of opportunities to travel, and work. My Spanish and German are pretty good, but it just made sense to have a degree in one of the most widely spoken languages in the world."

"Yeah, I'd say that's a pretty smart move."

It was then Eric decided to look up from his food. Luke was still nodding along to Eric's answer, but he was looking at him like he was waiting for some sort approval for his response.

"Thanks," Eric finally replied, taking another bite out of his burger.

Kyle was watching with wide, wary eyes and hunched shoulders. He forced a smile when Luke looked at him, and Eric wondered if Kyle ever had to force a smile around him when they were together.

* * *

Kyle could barely concentrate on the movie he was supposed to be watching with Luke. But he guessed it was better than lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling with no outside noise to drown out his thoughts except the sound of Luke breathing in and out as he slept. He would've thought that after a long day of travelling, and meeting Kyle's family and friends he'd want to just crash when they arrived home, but with the living room to themselves they decided to hang out down there. Perhaps South Park didn't faze Luke as much as Kyle thought it would? He shouldn't have been surprised, nothing much did. That's why they were good together, at least that was Kyle's assessment. Although Kyle wasn't daunted by the prospect of going to Luke's hometown, in fact he was relieved. It wasn't  _here_ , after all. There was nothing strange, or shameful buried in snow, no history, no certain, volatile someone to remain a step ahead of, to be drawn to, to feel for. When Kyle visited Luke's hometown, he could untangle himself of the tether that kept him anchored to South Park, and everybody in it.

"So tonight was fun, huh?" Luke piped up, clearly not as engrossed in the movie as Kyle thought.

"... It was?"

True, Luke appeared unscathed when they strolled out of Sizzler hand-in-hand, but that didn't mean Eric hadn't happened. Even when Kyle had pleaded with him to be nice to Luke, he knew to expect the bare minimum of politeness, perhaps with a saccharine veneer slathered on top if he was lucky.

Luke rolled his eyes and laughed.

"Yes! I had fun, at least. I don't think you give your friends enough credit. They're cool!"

"Even Cartman?" Kyle asked, raising an eyebrow

Luke's eyes wandered to the floor, fidgeting as he contemplated. Finally, he nodded and offered Kyle a reassuring smile.

"Sure, even Cartman. You already warned me that he can be a little... intense. He wouldn't be easy to get along with."

Kyle nodded, conceding.

"I know I said that, but I don't think you can really understand Cartman until you...  _experience_  him."

"Well, I survived." Luke shrugged. "That's something, isn't it?"

Right now, it was all Kyle could ask for. He hadn't exactly wanted to talk about Eric's attitude tonight. Kyle just wanted to take Luke's visit one day at a time, enjoying his company as much as he could, and as much as circumstances would allow.

"I guess." Kyle sighed. "I'm sorry if he made you uncomfortable though."

Luke shook his head, smiling softly.

"That's okay..." he whispered, snuggling up to Kyle and making a pillow out of his shoulder.

"It's just... he's pretty possessive," Kyle continued, the words leaving his mouth before he could stop it. "He doesn't like sharing."

He froze, and he hoped Luke couldn't sense his body stiffening. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he just think before he spoke? He considered himself to be pretty articulate, after all. He was trying so hard to act innocent that every word and action felt weighted with his guilt. He waited for Luke's suspicious response, or an interrogation, but nothing came. Kyle knew he had to smother any inclination to before it even arose.

"Not that he needs to share me! Or that he has to, or even  _wants_  to! I just-

"That's not such a terrible thing," Luke cut in, unfazed as usual. "He must like you lot if he's so worried about other people coming into your life."

Kyle nodded, and gulped.

"That's one way to put it..." he muttered. He pulled Luke closer to him, despite the fact he was starting to tremble.


	5. All's Fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels pretty strange to be writing a fic set at Christmas time when Christmas was nearly a month ago, but in fairness I did start writing this in November, so... whatever, I just want to keep the Christmas spirit going, pfft! This chapter was a lot harder to write than I thought it would be? I changed the structure a bunch so the flipping back-and-forth of POVs wouldn't be too annoying. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and thank you for reading! I'd love to know your thoughts!

"Your mother must be so pleased to have you back home for the holidays, Eric!" Mrs Broflovski grinned as she topped up their cups of tea.

Eric was glad. Even though he would've preferred some extra strong coffee right now, he needed some caffeine in whatever form it took. This was a time of the morning he rarely saw unless he had an early class, and even then he practically sleepwalked to the classroom. But he had to be alert now, scouring for even a speck of dirt Mrs Broflovski divulged over a morning cup of tea, and keeping up the inviting charm.

"Yeah, it got pretty lonely for her," Eric replied, with a pitying sigh for extra measure. "It's great to be back and see everybody though... like Kyle. I bet you missed him so much!"

Mrs Broflovski nodded, setting down her tea pot and placing a hand to her chest, like her heart was still mending from Kyle's temporary absence.

"Oh, so much! I cried for about a week when he first left. But your kids can't stay under your roof forever, and you have to let them go at some point. That's what Gerald said. At least we have Ike... for now!" she laughed. "And we call Kyle every day, not that he can talk all the time. You know, with classes, and his friends... and Luke!"

Eric gritted his teeth, forcing his smile a little harder.

"Yeah, they seem really happy," he replied with a nod.

"Don't they?" she gushed. "And Luke is such a lovely, sweet boy. I'm over the moon that Kyle has found someone like him."

"Hmm... yes..." Eric muttered, sipping at this tea and it burned his upper lip.

He wondered how Mrs Broflovski would react if he told her that he had once dated Kyle. Even though they spent little time at Kyle's house together, Eric had still warmed to Kyle's family and had made a lot more effort to be courteous and polite whenever he visited, because they were important to Kyle, and he, in turn, was important to Eric. Besides, Kyle's family weren't all that bad. His mom was a great host, his little brother was cool... his dad was a dick, but Kyle thought so too. So perhaps she wouldn't be as horrified, and pissed off, and unreasonable as Kyle feared she would be? Perhaps she would be glad, happy even, if she knew what Eric and Kyle had together. Especially since she seemed to be perfectly accepting of Luke. But deep down Eric knew that Kyle's reluctance, his insistence on keeping them a secret was about more than just a simple definition of what their relationship had become. But he wouldn't plummet into that rabbit hole, because he knew he would be too shattered and twisted to climb back out of it. He would keep clawing his way out though, his fingers bloodied and dirty, until he blinked into the bright, clarifying light, and accepted Kyle's hand reaching out for him. It was a fantasy he repeated everyday like an affirmation.

"So how long is Luke staying here, exactly?"

"He's flying home on the twenty-third," Mrs Broflovski replied.

A week. If Eric worked hard and quickly, it was achievable. In a week, he and Kyle could pick up where they left off. He smiled and nodded.

"So a little while then. What do the two lovebirds have planned for today?" he asked, as he took another sip of his tea.

"I'm pretty sure Kyle said they were going to a Christmas carnival in Conifer. Winter Wonderland, I think it's called?"

"Well, that sounds lovely."

In fact, it was perfect. Eric could blend in easily at a loud, crowded fairground.

Mrs Broflovski nodded, sipping at her tea.

"So, Eric, is there anybody special back in Wisconsin?" she asked with a wide smile.

He wanted to say he had somebody special sleeping a few feet away from them, but instead he plastered on a smile.

"No," he replied, shaking his head. "No, not right now."

Mrs Broflovski frowned, her eyes gleaming with pity.

"Well, I'm sure you'll find someone soon," she reassured.

"Oh, I'm sure, I will." Eric grinned, there was no need to fake it this time. "Thank you so much, Mrs Broflovski."

She smiled, and they both sipped their tea at the same time. In the silence, Eric could hear the floorboards creak and footsteps padding down the stairs.

"What's going on?"

He looked up from his tea to see Kyle stood on the stairs, with Luke behind him. Kyle was staring at Eric, far too stiff and tense for somebody who had just woken up.

"Oh." Eric grinned, placing his cup on the coffee table."Good morning, Kyle."

Mrs Broflovski turned around, peering over the armchair.

"Good morning, bubbe! Luke, did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, I slept really well." Luke nodded, smiling shyly. "Thank you, Mrs Broflovski."

"Cartman, what are you doing here?" Kyle asked, voice taut and eyes fixed on Eric.

"Just having a catch up with your delightful mother over some, I must say, delicious tea!"

Mrs Broflovski chuckled, cheeks flushing as she waved Eric's compliment off.

"Oh, Eric, you're too kind!"

"No, no, this tea is too great, Mrs B!" Eric replied with the smuggest laugh he could muster. It was hard not to notice Kyle's glare boring holes in him, with his mouth drawn tight.

"But I better be going," he said with a sigh as he lifted himself off the couch. "I don't wanna intrude."

"Are you sure you don't want to stay for some breakfast, Eric?" Mrs Broflovski asked.

"No, no, thank you." Eric smiled. "I'll leave Kyle and Luke to have their breakfast in peace."

It didn't waver as he collected his coat, and his and Kyle's eyes were drawn to each other like magnets. He watched Luke lean in to Kyle.

"I never realised your mom and Cartman were so clo-"

"Wait, hang on a sec," Kyle cut in, not even looking at Luke before he jogged down the stairs and marched over to Eric.

Eric stayed perfectly still, not even twitching or relinquishing his stare when Kyle was glaring at him.

"Kyle, are you alri-"

"We need to talk," Kyle interrupted.

Eric had to purse his lips to stop himself from grinning at Kyle's flared nostrils. Pissed off Kyle elicited an odd feeling of arousal and intimidation in Eric, a feeling that made Eric want to pin Kyle against the wall and kiss him hard before Kyle could do the exact same thing to him.

"Luke, hon? Would you like something to eat?"

Kyle's shoulders drooped at the sound of his mom's voice, and he looked over his shoulder.

"Sure, that would be great." Luke nodded, stealing glances of Eric and Kyle as he walked down the stairs.

When they were alone in the living room, Kyle scowled and ushered Eric towards the door. Or rather,  _shoved_  him towards the door like the house would be condemned if Eric stayed there any longer.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he hissed.

"Well, I was hoping I could hang out with you and Luke," Eric replied, delivering his well-rehearsed line. "But you guys were still in bed, and your mom insisted I have some tea-"

Kyle scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, please, Eric..."

"What? I'm just doing what you asked me to do last night. I'm trying to be nice to Luke, and be buddies, but you guys clearly don't wanna be disturbed."

Kyle closed his eyes, and sighed.

"It's not that we don't wanna be disturbed, Eric, but there are things called  _boundaries_  and you're definitely crossing one of them."

Eric chuckled, rolling his eyes.

"Come on, your mom loves me."

Kyle's eyes opened, and he immediately glared at Eric.

"Do you realise how weird this looks?" he asked, before squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head. "No, wait, of course you do! You want to weird Luke out, and be all antagonistic! Coming into my house and hanging out with my mom? It's like you're fucking marking your territory! Well, this isn't your territory, okay?"

Eric didn't budge as Kyle jabbed a finger at his chest.

"You have no right to come here uninvited!"

Eric sighed, shaking his head.

"I honestly don't know what you want from me, Kyle. You want us to be friends, but you keep blowing everything out of proportion."

Kyle narrowed his eyes at Eric, like if he peered a little closer he could see Eric's plan written across his face.

"I know you're up to something, and I swear, I'll find out what it is. Whatever game you wanna play... you're not gonna win."

Eric cocked his head, and couldn't help but smile at how nostalgic this all was.

"Just like old times. And I mean,  _real_ old times," he pointed out, and it made Kyle fidget like he previously thought he was immune to such regression. "I think you're reading way too much into this, Kyle. After all we've been through, you still think so little of me?"

Kyle began to fidget more, and he avoided Eric's gaze.

"Whatever, I guess I'll see you later," Eric added as he opened the door.

As he walked away, he didn't hear the front door slam. When he looked over his shoulder, he saw Kyle staring hard at him, not even shivering despite the chilly morning.

"Oh, and I hope you and Luke have a great date. I've heard that Winter Wonderland is awesome."

Kyle blinked, Eric's words thawing out his surprise. Without another word, Eric strolled down the street with a determined grin on his face. The clock had started, and his plan was in motion.

* * *

Apparently, the only thing that could shut up Kyle's obsessive, incessant thoughts of Eric, was a bustling, festive fairground. All morning he had been dissecting Eric's strange visit and veiled words, cursing himself when he noticed he was drifting out of conversation with Luke because his paranoia was as loud and hungry for attention as the person he was fixating on. Luke had come all this way, had been looking forward to spending time with Kyle in his hometown and Kyle couldn't even do a simple thing like actually listening to him when he talked? Right now, he felt like the worst boyfriend ever. A title he had earned, surely, when he kissed Eric the night before Luke's arrival. He couldn't bear to tell Luke, but he didn't know how much longer he could let the secret fester either. But at least now the creak of ancient rides, and the excited screams of visitors longing to feel the hot rush of adrenaline on a cold, winter day could drown out his mind practically screaming at him.

"This is awesome!" Luke gushed, linking his arm with Kyle and pulling him close. "What do you wanna do first?"

Kyle scanned the fairground, at a loss at where to start, and - despite his belief that Winter Wonderland could work enough Christmas magic to make him forget about Eric for a day - to see if he could spot any scheming ex-boyfriends in the vicinity. The coast looked clear, the fairground illuminated all manner of colourful, fun possibilities on an otherwise gloomy day, and Kyle could relax. He smiled, and felt his shoulders fall.

"How about we get some hot chocolate, and then maybe get in line for the Ferris wheel?" he suggested.

"Sure!" Luke nodded, pulling Kyle towards the hot chocolate stand.

* * *

_Eric couldn't remember his first date with Heidi brimming with as much nerves as his first date with Kyle. Perhaps it was too long ago, or maybe he had been too young to comprehend how much of a big deal a first date was. He and Heidi were just kids, after all, unabashed and unassuming. Or maybe it was because it was Kyle. A person he felt so familiar around, yet his mere presence never failed to make his heart race or capture his attention. He thought he was comfortable with his role in Kyle's life, but he had never been totally sure. After all, he was never really satisfied with anything. Until they kissed, until Kyle asked him out, and Eric was sure now that this was where he was supposed to be. A role that wasn't just comfortable, but exhilarating and that fulfilled every wish he had previously denied._

_Their first date also had the added pressure, of course, of being kept a secret. They had chosen to see a movie on a Sunday afternoon, figuring that it would be an unlikely time to run into anybody from school. And despite the quiet, sparsely-populated lobby, Kyle's eyes still searched the room at every opportunity, his shoulders hunched and rigid. Eric was running out of jokes to tell, stupid remarks for Kyle to respond to in order for him to snap out of his suspicions, and relax. Eric hoped he finally would when the lights went down._

_"So... where do you wanna sit?" Kyle asked as they entered Screen 4._

_Eric scanned the room and shrugged. He had no preference._

_"At the back?" Eric suggested, figuring it would be where Kyle would feel most comfortable. "That entire row is empty?"_

_Kyle nodded, smiling appreciatively. They made their way to the back and took their seats, exchanging coy smiles as if they had never sat together in a movie theatre before. They had spent countless weekends doing just this, but never without Stan and Kenny sat beside them. The whole world felt like it was disappearing around Eric when the lights dimmed and the previews began. With that, Eric started to dig in to the large popcorn that he offered to split with Kyle. He wasn't an idiot, he knew how to be polite and charming on a date. He had watched enough movies and TV shows. Kyle had been surprised at the gesture, a crease in his brow had appeared like he was going to protest, before he relented with that shy, appreciative smile that Eric wanted to be responsible for more often. Eric heard the bag rustle, and saw that Kyle had grabbed a handful of popcorn too._

_"In a world ruled by chaos and fear, no one man can save humanity..." A deep, thick voice poured from the speakers. "Time to call in the big birds."_

_A solitary quack echoed through the room, before the black screen revealed a shiny helicopter landing on the White House lawn._ 'X Gon Give it to Ya'  _blasted from the speakers as Duck President emerged from the helicopter with his posse, composed of guys Eric recognised as being UFC fighters who were all wearing sunglasses - including Duck President. Glancing at Kyle, the screen illuminating his raised eyebrows, and unmistakable grimace. Eric smirked, and returned to watching the trailer which was unfolding with a shitload of car chases, explosions, and the appointment of Vin Diesel as vice president._

_"Coming this summer... Duck President 2... Enemy Quackdown!"_

_"Oh god..." Kyle murmured._

_"What?" Eric asked, still chuckling at the title._

_"Why did we think the first movie was sweet?" Kyle asked, even though Eric remembered how stoked they all were when that movie came out._

_"Because it is sweet? 'Duck President' is a childhood classic, Kyle!"_

_"Whatever, that trailer was a pile of shit," he replied. "No way are you dragging me to that movie."_

_"Fine by me, I'll just go see it with somebody who has a sense of humour."_

_As they bickered, Eric could've sworn he felt Kyle finally relaxing beside him. He smiled triumphantly, reaching for some popcorn and his fingers brushed against Kyle's. Just like when their lips had met in the bathroom, it felt like touching a precious, expensive something Eric thought he would only ever be able to admire. Kyle snatched his hand away, as if he too knew he was breaking some sort of rule._

_"S-s-sorry..."_

_"What, why?" Eric asked, eyebrows furrowed._

_"I-I-I don't know, I just-"_

_"It's okay," Eric whispered, finding Kyle's hand in the dark._

_Unable to hear Kyle's breathing when their fingers were clasped together, Eric became self-conscious. Were his palms too hot from the nerves? His fingers too sticky from the sugary popcorn? But Kyle soon squeezed his hand, and didn't let go for the rest of the movie._

* * *

Eric grimaced as he watched Kyle win Luke a huge, fluffy teddy bear at the rifle range. It only reminded him how he had no such triumph today. He wasn't there to win cheap toys, or enjoy the rides, of course. But after three hours of trailing Luke and Kyle he thought he would've at least spied a viable opportunity to ruin their date. Maybe he was out of duplicitous practice? In fact, the scheming he did as a kid often felt like one of those childhood activities gone to the wayside when he grew up and realised there were more valuable ways to spend his time. Perhaps there had been no stakes in recent years to make him sit up and take notice?

So while he stood - rather, crouched so as not to be seen - idle, all he could do was follow Luke and Kyle on what other people would call a pretty sweet date. Sometimes it would snatch him like a particularly stinging gust of wind through his thick, puffer jacket, just how depressing this whole day was for him. But whenever he started to wonder how perfect it would be if Kyle was winning giant teddy bears for him instead of Luke, he would quickly snap out of it and thank God he had chosen such a brilliant disguise, and that nobody knew him in this town. Tugging his scarf away from his mouth, he took a bite out of his hotdog.

He saw Luke pointing in the direction of a ride called 'Santa's Grotto of Love.' A sort of festive version of a 'Tunnel of Love.' Eric wanted to vomit just looking at it, at least that's what he thought the heavy feeling in his gut was, like his heart had dropped into his stomach. He watched Kyle nod, before soon being led away by Luke. Adjusting his scarf and his sunglasses, Eric followed them, hoping for a Christmas miracle to inspire him.

* * *

After a day of carnival games, and rides that no doubt violated a couple of safety regulations, Kyle had managed to shove Eric to the back of his mind. Of course, there had been a couple of moments when he was reminded of him. Like when he saw a guy rock the carriage above him on the Ferris wheel when they were stuck, making his cold, bored girlfriend shriek with laughter, or when the scent of anything sweet floated into his nostrils. But he would always be sure to return his attention to Luke, to the present, before the fond feeling in his chest could sour.

Now he was stood in line for 'Santa's Grotto of Love' with Luke. Cloudy, yellow bulbs illuminated the name of the ride, framing the huge, heart-shaped tunnel.

"I didn't know they still made ride likes this," Luke said. "It seems so retro."

Kyle nodded, taking in the gingerbread house, the glowing candy canes wedged in the 'snow,' and the sparkling, smiling snowmen holding hands.

"I didn't know Christmas versions existed either." he replied. "I mean, 'Santa's Grotto of Love?'"

Luke frowned.

"Yeah, the name bugs me too but I can't figure out why..."

"I think it's the combination of 'love' and 'grotto'. It's sort of sleazy," Kyle replied, wrinkling his nose. "Like, I know Santa's grottos are a thing at malls, and kids sit on his knee and everything... but if there's a Santa in there, there is no way I would let my kids sit on his knee. Not in his 'grotto of love'."

Luke chuckled beside him, before his eyebrows furrowed.

"Didn't Hugh Hefner have a grotto at the playboy mansion?"

"Now  _that's_  retro."

"I think that's it. That's what's rubbing me up the wrong way."

"I think getting 'rubbed up the wrong way' is the exact opposite of what this ride is trying to achieve." Kyle teased. He nudged Luke's arm. "We can go, if you like?"

Luke smiled, already frost-flushed cheeks pinking even more. He shook his head.

"It's okay, in a weird way I kinda wanna see what it looks like on the inside? If you can see anything at all..."

"You two, step on up!" The rider operator called. He didn't wear a jacket, only a faded uniform shirt and paint splattered jeans.

Kyle and Luke stepped up onto the platform.

"That'll be four tokens," he informed, around the gum he was chewing.

Kyle and Luke handed over their tokens, and a rather large gondola shaped like a sleigh crept towards them.

"This is more impressive than I was expecting," Luke murmured.

Kyle nodded, stepping in first and then helping Luke get in. He placed the teddy bear Kyle had won beside him. The ride operator then pulled a metal bar down in front of them, and Kyle had to wonder how fast this thing could actually go.

"Please remain inside the sleigh at all times, don't touch any of the animatronics... and if you have to, please swallow. We don't want anything contaminating the water."

"What?" Kyle asked, but the gondola jerked to life on its runners before he could get an answer.

* * *

Eric watched Kyle and Luke enter the tunnel from behind a portacabin, and as soon as their sleigh slid into the shadows he hurried over to the kiosk where the carnie operating the ride was perched. He had been antsy to put this plan in motion as soon as Kyle and Luke got in line. He hid his grin behind his scarf at the thought of Luke stuck on a dingy, cheesy fairground ride with nowhere to go. He tried not to think about Kyle sat beside him, it only inspired reluctance and he had wasted too much time being hesitant today.

"Hey, man!" Eric shouted, knocking on the window and making the carnie jump. "You wanna step on out? My shift just started!"

"Huh?" he replied, voice smothered by the glass. But Eric saw his narrowed eyes and furrowed brows clearly. Shaking his head, he left the kiosk and leaned over the fence. "I thought my shift wasn't over for another thirty minutes!"

Eric shoved his hands in his pockets, and smiled even though the carnie's face was only a few inches away from his.

"Oh, didn't the boss tell you? Yeah, it's actually my first day here, and they wanted me to take over on this ride. You know, to ease me in. So you can go on home."

"Nah," he replied, shaking his head once more and standing up straight. "Nah, I'm not buying it. Hank ain't said nothing to me... he's going to pay me for the whole day, right?"

Eric shrugged. Whatever got him out of there quicker...

"I don't know, I'm just doing what he told me, dude. If you got a problem, you can take it up with him."

"You're damn right I will!" he snapped, storming off without another word.

"I'll keep an eye out here then!" Eric called over his shoulder.

Biting his lip, he stepped into the cramped kiosk and scanned every button and lever. The 'Power Down' button caught his eye like gold glinting in sand. Hardly able to control his grin, he pressed it. Suddenly, the music stopped and the lights flickered out with a helpless hum. Music was soon replaced by murmuring from inside the ride, bouncing off the hallow walls, and from the line of people still waiting to go on. Not everyone was confused or pissed off, and Eric hoped he could attribute his glee as mere professionalism to the disgruntled visitors. He stepped out of the kiosk to address them.

"Sorry folks, it seems as though we've had a little malfunction, and we might be a while!" He announced, raising his hands in an attempt to pacify them.

He ducked back inside the kiosk before he could answer their questions, and spied a megaphone under the control panel.

* * *

Kyle wondered what the other couples in the 'grotto' were doing. Were they giggling? Talking? Kissing? Or something a bit more daring? Was he the only one distracted by the bizarre ride, crammed with too many details trying to capture his attention? He supposed the ride meant to have the opposite effect. Besides from taking your cash, it was supposed to get you in some kind of mood. A coy, gooey mood that convinced you your partner's lips were irresistible, and even if you were sat knee to knee you wanted to be closer still. Maybe he was a little cynical, but that seemed to be his only defence in a ride designed to peer pressure him. The coy, mechanical elves, imitating Cuckoo clock figures as they turned to each other and kissed, synchronised in perfect rhythm; the fluffy, nuzzling animatronic reindeer and polar bears, with big glass eyes and droning brays and rumbling roars; and even the beaming, Mr and Mrs Claus, decorating their glittering Christmas tree... it was all too much. He could hardly think over the sound of 'Sleigh Ride' bouncing off every speaker.

He was already paranoid before he got on this ride. Even if he was having a good time and slowly exorcising the fear that Eric was haunting them, that still didn't erase Eric from his mind. The memory of their kiss only two days ago gnawed at his insecurities, and his guilt. If only Luke knew what he had done, he would never have agreed to go on such a romantic ride with him. Was Luke even having a good time? Kyle wasn't great company, sat there stiffly, and paralysed by his guilty conscience. He felt like a fraud, and every moment of panic that he wasn't being the perfect boyfriend, every slow, quiet moment free of any affection, or conversation, made him itch with the need to overcompensate. The ride wouldn't last forever though, he tried to remind himself of that. Pretty soon he would no longer be trapped in this lucid, nightmarish tunnel. But maybe with all its garishness and its dim lights it wasn't as stark as the reality he was trapped in until Luke was out of South Park? And maybe then his sentence wouldn't be over. Not until he confessed, if he ever did. At times like these, it seemed appealing. He shook his head, and cleared his throat.

"This is..."

"Great!" Luke added, clearly more charmed by the ride than Kyle was.

Still, Kyle smiled, glad that Luke was enjoying it at least. That was the only thing he cared about.

"Yeah, great..." he nodded.

Luke chuckled, rolling his eyes like he didn't quite believe him. Kyle noticed him fold his arms across his chest, and felt him shivering beside him.

"It's pretty cold, huh?"

Luke smiled, small and shy. He nodded.

"Here..." Kyle said, taking off his scarf and looping it around Luke's neck.

Luke's eyes glinting with surprise was more magical than any of the twinkling Christmas lights.

"Aww..." he met Kyle's eyes, grinning. "Thanks..."

Kyle returned the smile, still holding the scarf in his hands. He thumbed at the material, and noticed Luke's breath hitch. Kyle had come to recognise it as an invitation. Gripping the scarf a little tighter, he leaned forward into Luke's waiting lips. The ride had finally worked its magic, and for that, Kyle was glad. But then the music stopped, and they were cloaked in darkness. The ride erupted in confused, worried murmurs. But Kyle had a nauseating feeling he already knew what - rather, who - was behind this malfunction. He clamped his mouth shut and edged away from Luke. How could he kiss him when Eric was all that was on his mind?

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Ride must've broken down..." Kyle replied. He gritted his teeth as anger welled up in his throat. He shook his head. "God damn it..."

"Huh? Kyle, it's not a big deal."

"Yeah, it-" Kyle sighed, and lowered his head. How could he snap at Luke when this wasn't his fault? When doing so would only encourage suspicion? "Sorry, you're right. It's not. It just... sucks..."

He felt Luke squeeze his upper arm. The discomfiting sound of a megaphone being switched on echoed through the tunnel.

"Attention, everybody!"

The voice rang with a dreaded familiarity. Kyle knew it was fake, and he knew the voice buried beneath the fishy accent. How could he not? He had heard it all his life. He had heard it lie, tease, goad, beg, whisper, and cry out. He was shaking, and it had nothing to do with the temperature.

"We've run into a technical problem, but stay calm, we are going to get you help! It'll be a couple of hours-"

The meddling ride operator was interrupted by protests from the other customers.

"Are you kidding me, man?" Shouted one.

"This is ridiculous!" Complained another.

"God fucking damn it, I knew this would happen!" Kyle seethed, trying to look over the sleigh to see if he could catch that son of a bitch.

But the bar protecting him and Luke was stuck in place, digging into his legs when he tried to stand up. Besides, the tunnel was too dark, and he was too far away from the entrance to see who was operating the ride.

"What?" Luke asked. "Kyle, what are you talking about?"

"If I could just fucking see over this dumb sleigh-"

"Kyle, you need to calm down!" Luke pleaded, tugging at his coat. "What are you even trying to look at?"

"We're getting help as fast as we can! So sit tight, folks!"

Silence. No doubt Eric was gone.

"Shit!" Kyle said.

He growled as he slumped down into his seat, rubbing his face and feeling how hot it was. Luke shifted away from him, and he sighed, hating the type of person he was revealing himself to be. But was that the real him? Or the version of himself that reacted to Eric? How different were they, if at all? There were too many questions he couldn't answer. He couldn't even find the words to apologise to Luke.


	6. Haunted House

Kyle and Luke were stuck in 'Santa's Grotto of Love' for nearly two hours before a very confused ride operator, and an extremely pissed off manager arrived to set them free. It wasn't the most traumatic of experiences, sat amongst lifeless animatronics in a cold, dark tunnel (Kyle had memories a lot worse, and more bizarre), and yet even now when he was lying in bed, Kyle couldn't stop thinking about it. Namely, the voice he had heard. Disembodied, and hollow, and so familiar that it made his stomach clench with anxiety. He had hoped to see Eric when he was finally released from the tunnel, to confront him once and for all. But of course Kyle could see no sign of him. There was no way he would ever be caught, or let Kyle have that satisfaction. It only made Kyle more restless, desperate to confront him, find out what the hell he was doing because Kyle knew this was only the beginning. And when 'limits' was a word not in Eric's vocabulary, it made Kyle want to shut himself and Luke away for the rest of the trip. Eric was like a storm threatening to rip their relationship from its foundation and send it flying into the wind to be devoured.

"I think we need to make more of an effort pretending I'm sleeping on the air bed..."

Kyle jolted at the sound of Luke's voice, pulling him from his thoughts.

"Huh?"

"Look at it!" Luke said, pointing at the air bed taking up way too much space in Kyle's room. "It's way too neat!"

Kyle's parents were surprisingly enthusiastic when Kyle asked if Luke could visit over the holidays. It was a time meant for family after all, and when Kyle had been away from home for three months, he assumed his mom would prioritise quality family time over everything else - like entertaining guests. Especially her son's new boyfriend, who was - to her knowledge at least - the first serious romantic relationship Kyle had ever had. It was why he so readily conceded to an air bed being set up in his room. His mom didn't care how old he was, he still had to respect her rules. Kyle remembered nodding solemnly over the Facetime call, glad that his mom hadn't uttered the words "no sex" out loud. It would've been too mortifying. Besides, he was used to following that particular rule. He and Eric had never had sex in his bed, even making out on it was thrilling and dangerous enough for Kyle when somebody could've barged in any minute and caught them. Like his hospitable-to-a fault mom bringing them snacks without knocking, or Ike wanting to borrow something. It was way too risky.

Kyle nodded, and offered Luke a small smile when he couldn't think of a reply. His brain just felt frazzled from all the burning questions and searing frustration. Luke sighed.

"You've been pretty quiet tonight. What's up?"

"Nothing," Kyle replied with a sigh of his own. He shook his head. "Really, it's nothing. I'm just a little bummed that our date got ruined."

Luke furrowed his eyebrows and chuckled, shaking his head too.

"You're the most dramatic person I've ever met, Kyle. The date didn't get  _ruined_."

"Well, you couldn't call it a success, right? With the damn ride breaking down and everything..."

Luke's shoulders fell and he thought a little before answering.

"No, but..." he stopped to smile at Kyle. "I had a good time, and... so what if the ride broke down? It happens! And besides, it wasn't your fault. You couldn't stop it from happening."

"I don't know," Kyle murmured. "Maybe I could've..."

"Huh? Kyle, that is ridiculous. How could you have possibly prevented that?"

"Well... I..." Kyle stopped, rolled his eyes. "Okay, I may not have been responsible, but I think I know who is responsible. So doesn't that implicate me?"

"No?" Luke replied, the dent in his brow returning. He looked to the ceiling as he contemplated his answer. "Unless you did something to provoke that person, and even then it's kind of a grey area..."

Kyle gulped, shifted a little as he considered whether kissing Eric, denying him, and then parading his new boyfriend around in front of him could count as provocation.

"Is this even hypothetical?" Luke asked. "Do you actually know who did it?"

"I think.." Kyle closed his eyes, bracing himself to say it. "I think it might have been Cartman."

When Kyle opened his eyes, he saw Luke nodding slowly. His eyes were clouded with thought. Kyle could practically see the equations Luke was trying to solve in his head so it would all make sense.

"Okay... why?"

"Remember the first guy who talked to us in the tunnel? Who told us that the ride had malfunctioned?"

"...Yeah?"

"I'm pretty sure it was Cartman," Kyle admitted. "It sounded so familiar, so like him... something was up. It was like he was trying to mask it."

"But why would he do something like that?"

"You know why!" Kyle replied, the frustration rising in his voice. "It's why he was over here this morning, and why he was kind of an asshole last night! It's because he's jealous, and possessive, I told you that!"

Luke huffed.

"Yeah, but I thought you meant that he would just take a while to like me, not that he would try to sabotage our dates."

Kyle sighed, and shook his head. He hated that he had snapped at Luke, and hated the hold Eric still had on him.

"You just don't understand, Luke..." he murmured, not meeting his eyes.

"Clearly..." Luke muttered. "What the hell is he jealous of anyway?" he asked. "His relationship, and our relationship are totally different! I'm your boyfriend, and he's your friend... isn't he?"

"Of course he is!" Kyle replied, before he could even think about it.

"So then why are you worried?"

"Because I know what he's capable of..." he murmured.

"Come here..." Luke said softly, arms outstretched.

Kyle didn't really feel like he deserved any hugs right now, but he shuffled close to Luke regardless, and let himself be pulled closer. Kyle immediately relaxed in Luke's arms. The warmth of his body and the smell of his shirt was a delightful, heady combination to send his eyelids drooping.

"Try not to let him get to you, okay?" Luke said. His chin was resting on top of Kyle's head.

Kyle cringed at the mention of Eric when he was chest to chest with Luke. He fought the urge to wriggle away. This felt too good to give up, but he was starting to wonder if he deserved it at all.

"I know that sounds like the hardest thing in the world right now... especially when you were so nervous about coming home, anyway..."

Kyle nodded.

"But try to get out of your head a little bit," Luke added. "Like we talked about before, remember? Just focusing on the present, and letting go of the past. Just forget about him."

Kyle nodded again, and soon fell asleep atop the steady rise and fall of Luke's chest, exhausted from the strange day. But he knew that following Luke's advice wouldn't come so easily.

* * *

Kyle had rolled out of Luke's embrace in the middle of the night, but still he wondered if falling asleep in Luke's arms was what had warded off any dreams of Eric. Somehow he had managed not to creep into his subconscious at all, despite Kyle's mind constantly wandering to him during the day. And when he woke up, he could've forgotten all about yesterday's mishap. Luke was sleeping peacefully beside him, and all was well. Until, bleary-eyed and half-asleep he checked his phone, and noticed that he was missing a conversation happening in the guys' group chat. Naturally, it began with an invitation from Eric. His blissful amnesia was destroyed too soon.

_"hey assholes, wanna hang out at my place tonight? im kicking my mom out. I know u guys haven't got anything better to do."_

Kyle rolled his eyes but continued scrolling.

_"Sure thing, Eric!"_ Butters had replied, punctuated with a beaming emoji.

_"Ok,"_ Stan replied _._

_"I'll be there man,_ " Kenny added.

_"is kyle coming?"_

_"idk,"_ Eric answered.

_"maybe he's going out with luke?"_

Kyle let out a deep, relieved breath at the perfect excuse Kenny had offered. He really owed him one, but he had to reply first. But as he was typing out an excuse declining Eric's invitation, a new message popped up. It was from Eric, of course.

_"Kyle, you in?"_

As soon as he read it his palms grew slick and warm, and his heart started racing in his chest. He knew it had nothing to do with surprise that Eric had messaged him just as he was about to reply. He didn't believe in fate, he was undecided on the concept of soulmates, or if Eric even possessed such spooky intuition. Coincidence he was sure of, and that Eric was just sat there waiting for Kyle to reply, and had leapt at the opportunity to butt in as soon as he saw that Kyle was typing. Still, it was unnerving to be thrown into the arena of Eric's mind games before he had a chance to comprehend it was happening - before he had got out of bed, even.

He had already typed is reply. All he had to do was send it. But still his thumb hovered over the screen. Eric had executed his move swiftly, and left Kyle stumbling when he was once so sure. Did he really not want to go tonight? Would he regret it if he stayed home? Or would he simply regret going? Was he only torturing himself by putting himself through another awkward, tense encounter with a destructive Eric, and an oblivious Luke? Was it fair to him? To everyone? Kyle was starting to think he was a masochist, if he was willing to endure such pain.

He jumped at the sound of Luke yawning beside him. The mattress shifted as Luke sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. His dark hair was matted at the crown of his head from where he had slept, poking up at odd angles.

"Hey..." Kyle said, watching Luke stretch.

"Hi..." Luke smiled. Wide, sleepy, and adorable. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, great..." Kyle looked at his phone in his hands, pursing his lips as he braced himself for what he had to say. "Cartman wants us all to hang out at his place tonight."

Luke's expression was hard to read, or maybe it was just not what Kyle expected? He expected wariness, surprise, maybe even a little irritation. But he just seemed unfazed. Typical of Luke, Kyle supposed, he wasn't a big believer in letting anything get to him, and certainly not a believer in obsessions, or grudges. But after their conversation the night before - and after Kyle had shared his theory of who was behind the ride breaking down - he thought Luke might have fostered a little hostility towards Eric. He didn't know if he should be relieved that he hadn't.

"Cool, let's go then." Luke shrugged. "We haven't got anything planned for tonight, have we?"

"No, but... do you really wanna just hang out with my friends?" Kyle asked. He had hoped Luke would make his decision easier for him. "Don't you wanna do something just the two of us?"

Luke smiled, eyebrows raised.

"Kyle, we hang out together all the time at school. You haven't seen your friends in months, you should spend some time with them. Besides, I'd like to hang out with them again. They're cool!"

Kyle wanted to object, but all of his objections were half-hearted. He knew he wanted to go tonight, even if his common sense was screaming at him it was a bad idea. He was unsure if rejecting Eric truly gave him the upper hand. Would it be like dodging a bullet or simply running away? Surely, calling Eric's bluff would be the best way to let him know he wasn't going to win. But what if Luke got caught in the crossfire? What if it was all just a huge trap? He stared down at his phone, and wondered if Luke was aware of the battle playing out in his head. When he looked at Luke, he was still smiling, still patient, still clueless as to what he had got himself into... rather, what Kyle had dragged him into.

"Are you really sure that's what you wanna do tonight?"

Luke closed his eyes, and nodded.

"I'm sure." He smiled, though he couldn't be sure. Not really.

Kyle smiled weakly in return, wondering if he was a sadist too, for putting Luke in a situation where he could so easily get hurt. Kyle deleted his original message, and typed out a new one.

_"Can Luke come too?"_

Kyle waited for Eric's reply. It was mere seconds, but it felt like an eternity. Though if Eric had the power to stretch time, Kyle was sure this was the type of situation he'd exploit his powers for.

_"yeah?"_ he replied. " _i didn't think you'd leave him in your house alone."_

Kyle rolled his eyes. What was he expecting?

_"Fine. We'll be there."_

* * *

Kyle thought he was doing a pretty good job of keeping his nerves under wraps all day as they waited to head over to Eric's house. In fact, he became so restless as the hours dragged on, all that anxiety and anticipation bubbling beneath the surface, that he couldn't wait to just leave the house. He had hoped all that energy would manifest into some sort of fortitude and bravery when Eric's house was in front of him. But it only filled him with dread. It was a haunted house, after all. Fervent, cherished memories cast in the shadow of one sour mistake, too recent to forget about. He gulped, and hoped Luke didn't hear him as they made their way up the drive.

"I didn't realise you and Cartman were so close-"

"Wh-what do you mean?" Kyle cut in, stopping dead in his tracks. "Why would you think we're close?"

Luke's eyebrows knitted together, and an unsure smile wavered on his face.

"Um, because your house is just up the street?" he replied. "That's pretty close in my book."

In the bitter cold, Kyle flushed from head to toe. If Eric's house was haunted, then surely he was possessed by some kind of spirit. One that un-bottled all that hidden guilt and sent it pouring out of his mouth.

"Oh... oh, right, you meant..." he tried to smile, tried to chuckle. "Yeah, yeah, I guess we are."

"Kyle... are you alright?"

Kyle froze. A question had never felt so loaded.

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"Because you've been pretty tense and nervous these past couple of days?"

It was obvious. Why did he have to pretend? Luke wasn't stupid. He sighed, and tucked his hands into his pocks.

"Right..." he shook his head. "God, I'm sorry, Luke, it's just... being here - being  _home_  - it's hard."

Luke sighed too, and his icy breath hung in the air.

"I know..."

He linked his arm with Kyle's. It was a warm, comforting move of solidarity that Kyle needed right now. In fact, it was what Eric needed to see right now too. Kyle was prepared for any games he wanted to play, and this was the position he was defending. He had moved on, Luke was in his life and not going anywhere, so Eric would have to just deal with it. Kyle took a bracing breath as he tried to convince himself that was true.

"Let's just get this over with," Kyle said, giving Luke a tug as he marched them to the front door.

Kyle knocked, and waited with gritted teeth.

"Kyle, if you really don't wanna do this we can go-"

"Hey, guys!" Eric interrupted with a beaming grin.

"Hi, Cartman." Luke smiled. "Nice to see you again."

"Oh, it's nice to see you too, Luke," Eric replied, sweet but synthetic. "Come in!"

He stepped aside for Kyle and Luke to enter. The living room felt eerie to Kyle somehow, with Luke stood beside him. He knew Luke didn't belong here, when every piece of furniture could whisper secrets. He was glad the damn things couldn't talk.

"Eric!" His mom called from the kitchen. "Did I hear one of your friends come in?"

"Yeah, Kyle and his boyfriend!"

Kyle leaned in to whisper to Eric.

"I thought you said you kicked your mom out?"

"She insisted she stay and make us something to eat," Eric replied with a shrug. "But it's cool, she's just gonna hang out in her room."

"Oh, hello, Kyle!" Miss Cartman called out, poking her head out of the kitchen and giving him a wave.

"Hi, Miss Cartman," Kyle replied, with a small wave and smile of his own.

For all her faults, Kyle liked Eric's mom. He had judged her in the past, and couldn't help but question some of her decisions after he had stayed up all night with Eric, being filled in on a side of their childhoods he had been blind to. It struck him then, how he suddenly felt like he was at war with someone he had once seen so vulnerable - someone he had held, and whispered to, and kissed in an effort to dry his tears.

One thing he couldn't doubt though, was that Miss Cartman was always trying. Perhaps she had tried too hard to be everything all at once, and underneath all that pressure, delicate things were bound to break. Eric had been delicate once, Kyle knew. He was broken now, put back together, but still fractured. To Kyle, he was worth mending and always beautiful, even now.

Soon, Miss Cartman was stepping out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron.

"You're going to have to introduce me to this young man!" She said, smiling at Luke.

"Oh, uh, Miss Cartman this is my boyfriend, Luke," Kyle replied, his cheeks warming instantly. Eric's glare was like a merciless sun beating down on Kyle.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am," Luke said, shaking Miss Cartman's hand.

"You too, Luke."

"Luke is staying with Kyle over the holidays..." Eric interjected.

"Not technically," Kyle added, the words rushing out of his mouth before he could stop them. "Only until the twenty-third, right?"

Kyle winced at the confused, unsure expressions on everybody's faces, and hated that he was responsible for it. Why the hell did he just say that?

"Yeah, that's right." Luke nodded, sounding a little bruised.

"Well, Luke, how do you like South Park?" Miss Cartman asked, trying to smile.

"Yeah, it's great. Quiet, and cold... but it's beautiful, too," Luke replied, smiling again. Kyle was glad.

"I thought that too when I first came here. I was only your age then, and I'd lived in Nebraska all my life-"

"Mom, I think you better check on those pizzas?" Eric cut in, his eyes belying that his mom had any say in the matter.

"Oh, yes, yes, of course! Sorry, Luke, I didn't mean to bore you with my life story-"

"Oh, it's okay!"

"Still, I'd better go," Miss Cartman replied, already backing away towards the kitchen. "I'll see you boys later!"

Eric sighed when his mom was out of sight.

"Sorry about her, Luke. She doesn't get out much, so when she starts talking it's hard to shut her up."

"Oh, I really didn't mind-"

"Maybe you'll have a chance to catch up before you leave. When were you leaving, again? The twenty-third?"

Every syllable Eric spoke felt pointed, and Kyle winced.

"Yeah..." Luke nodded, deflated already and the night had barely begun.

"I'm gonna get some drinks," Eric said, heading to the kitchen. "Beer's cool, right?"

"Yeah, that's fine." Kyle nodded.

"Thanks, Cartman."

Eric disappeared into the kitchen, and Luke turned to Kyle.

"Wow, if I didn't know any better I'd think you were counting down the days until I left..."

Kyle hung his head, and took a shattered breath.

"Luke, I really didn't mean it like that."

"No, I know," Luke replied, but it was unconvincing. When Kyle looked at him, he was forcing a smile. "It's fine."

"Hey, Kyle!"

Kyle followed the voice and saw Butters trotting down the stairs, fixing the zipper of his pants. Kyle easily returned Butters' wide grin, relieved that he finally had a distraction from all this unpleasantness, no matter how short-lived.

"Hey, Butters. Come over here and I'll introduce you to my boyfriend."

"Oh, great!" Butters replied, making his way over to them both.

"Um, Butters, this is my boyfriend, Luke. Luke, this is Butters. He's one of my friends from elementary school."

"It's nice to meet you, uhh... Butters," Luke said, shaking Butters' hand and glancing at Kyle to make sure he got that right.

Kyle pursed his lips, and nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shorter than usual chapter. It is a filler, admittedly but hopefully it was still enjoyable! Next chapter is going to be the rest of the night at Eric's, so stay tuned for that! I hope you enjoyed and thank you for reading! I'd love to hear what you thought!


	7. Never Have I Ever

_With his mom away for the weekend with her new boyfriend, Eric had the house all to himself. At first, he had been pissed off and disapproving when his mom announced she was seeing someone. Kyle remembered Eric pacing his bedroom, unable to finish one angry sentence before he made another protestation. Kyle supposed that Eric had developed an aversion to strange men coming into his house from childhood, no matter how well-intentioned they were. But Kyle had soon quietened Eric's complaints that she was just going to end up crying and heartbroken again and he would be the one to have to deal with it, and criticisms of his mom 'shit taste for spineless assholes,' by reminding him that with his mom out of the house more often, they had some more time alone. Eric had immediately brightened at that realisation, after Kyle's decidedly wiser, and more mature remarks were ignored. At least it made Eric smile, and Kyle was discovering that pretty much everything he did had that goal in mind._

_Eric had invited Stan and Kenny over to hang out at his place tonight, and Kyle waited for them on the couch with Eric. Although he had spent all day with him, he was willing for time to halt, just so he could savour the lazy, blissful day for a little while longer. He didn't want to give this up; curled up next to Eric on the couch, head resting on his soft, warm chest, listening to him laugh at the TV, close enough to kiss. He wanted Eric all to himself, and this weekend his house was their own little getaway. Kyle moved his attention away from the show they were watching, gaze sliding to Eric. It was startling to Kyle, how looking at Eric made him feel now that he had touched him, kissed him, given in to his attraction. Before, there was an ache whenever he looked at Eric. A curious, if-only ache that fantasies and daydreams barely sated. But now he knew, his curiosities were answered, and he was addicted. When he looked at Eric now, he saw memories written across his face. The memory of his lips against his, his skin beneath his fingers, and how such contact sent his golden eyes alight, like stars twinkling in pitch black, dilated evening._

_Kyle watched Eric smirk, obviously feeling his eyes on him. But Kyle didn't look away._

_"What?" he asked, looking at Kyle with a small smile._

_"What?" Kyle shrugged, playing innocent._

_There was a small crease in Eric's brow. He shook his head and chuckled._

_"What are you looking at? You were just staring at me."_

_Heat crawled up Kyle's throat then, and an uncontrollable smile started tugging at the corners of his mouth._

_"I'm allowed to look, aren't I?"_

_Kyle felt Eric's chest tremor as he chuckled some more. He rolled his eyes and returned his attention to the TV. Kyle wanted it back on him._

_"You've just got something on your face, that's all..." he teased. His lips scrunched up as he tried to hide his smirk._

_"Where?" Eric asked, patting at his pinked face._

_Kyle bit his lip, loving how Eric's eyes flashed and rose to meet his as he straddled him. He leaned in so they were almost nose-to-nose, and peered at Eric's face, searching for the imagined blemish._

_"Right about..." he interrupted himself when he pressed his lips to Eric's._

_Not surprised for too long, Eric soon tilted his head and leaned into the kiss. Their lips separated with a tiny, wet smack , and Kyle shivered as Eric vied for more, leaning into Kyle with his eyes lidded. Kyle loved teasing Eric almost as much as he loved kissing him. Their noses brushed together, and he pressed his thumb to Eric's flushed, wet, bottom lip._

_"There..." he murmured._

_Eric gulped, and then soon mirrored Kyle's wide smile._

_"When did you get so smooth?" he asked, placing his hands on Kyle's thighs._

_Kyle shrugged, admittedly embarrassed to answer. But his embarrassment soon dissipated as he admired Eric's smile that seemed to light up his whole face. Boyish, and wicked, and confident, and endearing. Kyle cupped Eric's cheeks in his hands, and pressed their foreheads together. Eric stared into his eyes in a way that made Kyle feel totally undeserving but undoubtedly lucky._

_"You've got the cutest fucking smile..." he whispered, before kissing Eric again._

_Eric deepened the kiss readily, and Kyle sampled his lips like the most delicious meal he had ever tasted. Slow, and indulgent, and Kyle felt just as hot as Eric's cheeks in his palms._

_"Wait..." Eric managed to gasp in between kisses. "Wait... Stan and Kenny are gonna be over here, like, any minute..."_

_Kyle inched away, panting and with a sinking feeling in his chest. He searched Eric's eyes, and even though Eric was the one to remind them both that they could get caught, Kyle saw no sign that he wanted this to stop just yet._

_"You told them eight, right?" Kyle asked._

_Eric nodded, and Kyle reached into his jeans pocket, pulling out his phone. Glancing at it, he then returned to Eric with a triumphant beam._

_"It's seven thirty. We've got some time."_

_Eric smiled, delighted and their mouths collided again, hard and heady. Kyle cupped Eric's face again and pulled his lips as close to his as possible, shoving his tongue in his mouth. Eric's hands had roamed his thigh and now were at his ass, giving it a squeeze that encouraged Kyle to come closer. It was working, right now Kyle just wanted to pin Eric to the couch and grind against him until the semi growing in his underwear was relieved._

_"If we're really fast..." Eric panted. "Do you think we could..."_

_Kyle nodded, mindless. It had only been a few weeks since their first time together, and they tried to seize every opportunity they could to do it again. Fast, rough, pants-around-their-ankles, on the couch... it had to do. Eric sat up, securing Kyle's legs around his waist, and Kyle wrapped his arms around his shoulders. He tugged at his hair, and Eric whimpered in the space of their frantic, open-mouthed kiss. The noise sent a shiver rolling down Kyle's spine. He couldn't hear the TV anymore. The furniture, the walls, were all a blur._

_"Kyle?!"_

_Stan's voice didn't just send a shiver down Kyle's spine. It sent a fucking Arctic storm rolling down his spine, freezing his blood in his veins. Terrified, he could hardly move, and neither could Eric. In fact, he could've sworn he instinctively clenched the muscles in his thighs to hold onto Eric tighter. Their lips slid off each other, and their once hazy, lusty eyes were rigid and petrified. Kyle found it in himself to jump off of Eric, stumbling from the haste of it and nearly landing flat on his ass._

_Kyle dragged his gaze to Stan, and saw him just as mortified. His mouth hung agape, but his wide, intent stare in Kyle's direction seemed to be asking all his questions for him. Namely, what the fuck was going on? Kenny's lips were pursed, unable to decide where to look._

_They were caught. Kyle could hardly believe this was happening... that he had_ let  _it happen._

_"Stan..." Kyle whispered. He then gulped. "Kenny... th-this isn't what it..." his stomach leapt into his throat, he thought he was going to vomit. He clutched his belly. "Oh my God..."_

_"Kyle..."_

_Hot, stinging tears sprung in Kyle's eyes at the sound of Eric's voice. When he looked at him, the sympathy on his face was painful._

_"It's okay," he whispered, holding out his hand._

_Kyle wanted to take it, but he couldn't._

_"Uhh..." Kenny broke the silence. "Do we need to talk about this or...?"_

* * *

Night had stumbled into morning, and Kyle was still sat in Eric's living room with the guys. They nibbled at the leftover homemade hot wings, pizza, and sticky, glazed ribs that Miss Cartman had no doubt slaved all day over, and sipped at cool beer. Kyle actually had quite a pleasant buzz, the evening going much better than he anticipated. In fact, it had been pretty boring and lazy. They chatted over TV shows and killed a couple of hours on Eric's Xbox. If it wasn't for Luke occasionally chiming in the conversation, or weaving his fingers through Kyle's, then he could've sworn this was like any other night at Eric's. Before college, before Luke, before an icy, covert war had been waged.

Stan stood up, getting to his feet slowly. He had been sat on the carpet all evening, and took the opportunity to stretch his legs. Eric was lounging on the armchair, and Stan patted his shoulder.

"Listen, man, I think I'm gonna head out..."

"Yeah, me too," Kenny added, rising from the carpet as well.

Kyle smiled, and made sure to keep it to himself. There was an opportunity to leave unscathed, to call this night a mild success, and he itched to take it.

"Wanna go home?" he asked Luke, trying to keep his eagerness under wraps.

Luke nodded with a tired smile.

"Yeah, sure..."

Kyle's smile grew wider, and he grasped Luke's hand to pull him up and take him away from Eric's house forever. He caught a glimpse of a disappointed Eric, leaning forward and eyes flitting back and forth between each deserting guest. Kyle didn't want to look for too long. He didn't want to goad, he knew it would only encourage Eric, and his persuasive charms were impossible to resist for the inexperienced. Of which, Luke was one.

"Come on, seriously!" he whined. "Don't you guys wanna stay a little bit longer? It's not even late! Butters, you're gonna stay, aren't you?" he asked, giving Butters a nudge by his feet.

"Sure am!" Butters grinned, raising his beer.

"See, you guys, Butters is staying! You really don't expect me to hang out with him for the rest of the night, do you?"

"Hey!" Butters shouted, with the least intimidating scowl ever.

"Sorry, dude, you know I don't mean it," Eric replied, leaning in close to Butters and resting a hand on his shoulder. "I'm just trying to get everyone psyched."

Butters' scowl dissipated, and Kyle rolled his eyes. Although remembered how Eric's velvety, hushed words in his ear made him melt into a compliant puddle, and wondered if he should be so quick to judge.

"For what though?" Stan asked. "No offence, but I'm pretty bored."

"Yeah, I think you should just call it a night, Cartman," Kyle added, but immediately wished he hadn't.

Eric had stood up, and was now staring at him the same way a member of the opposite team would stare at him during a basketball game. Relentless, hard, determined to get the upper-hand and take him down.

"Nah, the night is still young," Eric said, a dangerously confident smile tugging at his lips. "I ain't calling it yet."

Kyle should've known better. He had challenged Eric, and he had gladly taken it.

"How about we play a game?" Butters suggested.

"That's the spirit!" Eric grinned. "See, dude, this is why I need you here! What did you have in mind?"

"Truth or Dare?"

A chorus of quiet, disapproving grumbles filled the room.

"God, no..." Eric grimaced.

Butters frowned.

"Why not?"

"Because we're not thirteen year old girls?"

"How about a drinking game?" Kenny offered.

"Like 'Never Have I Ever?'" Butters asked. He looked up at Eric from the floor. "That's the grown-up version, isn't it?"

"Perfect!" Eric replied, grinning at Kyle.

Kyle's throat clenched. If he was ever going to make it out of this house with his dignity he and Luke needed to leave  _now_.

Stan sighed, raising his hands in defeat.

"Okay, I'm going home..."

"Dude, really?" Kenny asked.

"Yeah, aren't you?" Stan replied, arching an eyebrow.

Kenny shrugged and plopped himself down on the carpet.

"Shit just got interesting..."

Eric chuckled.

"Oh, it most certainly did, Kenneth..."

Kyle huffed, tugging at Luke's wrist and leading him to the door.

"Come on, let's go..."

But Luke didn't budge.

"Don't you wanna play?" he asked.

Kyle turned his head, eyebrows furrowed.

"Not really... do you?"

Luke shrugged, looked back at Kenny making Butters laugh on the carpet, and grinned.

"Kind of. It'll be fun!"

"Exactly, Luke!" Eric replied, as saccharine as ever. "It'll give you a chance to get to know us all a little better!"

"See!" Luke pleaded. He tugged Kyle towards him. "Come on, let's stay!"

Suddenly, Kyle was pulled back onto the couch again, with Luke holding onto him tighter than ever. Or maybe it just felt like that because he was undeniably trapped? He frowned, and noticed Eric smirking at him, clearly enjoying this.

_Fucking shit._

"I'm gonna get some more drinks. Stan, are you staying or not?"

Stan glanced at everyone, before huffing and plopping himself down beside Kenny, cross-legged.

"God damn it..."

Eric returned with more beers, and the crack and hiss of the bottles opening in unison only tightened the knot in Kyle's stomach. He glared at Eric, hoping damn well he noticed. Although, it wasn't as if he would ever show it.

"Okay, who wants to go first?" Eric asked.

Kyle waited for someone to volunteer, and as the seconds dragged on he considered volunteering himself so it wouldn't fall to Eric.

"Alright, I guess I will," Eric continued, and Kyle cursed himself for not speaking sooner. "Never have I ever..." his wandering, thoughtful gaze landed on Kyle like a sniper's dreaded red dot. He grinned at his perfect target. "Fucked in a high school locker room?"

Kenny wolf-whistled, while Kyle raised the cold bottle to his lips and vowed to just get this over with. Eric drank at the same time, eyes on Kyle at all times. Their magnetic stares, the bitter beer disappearing down their throats perfectly synchronised just reminded him of those sweaty, intertwined times in the locker room. When Kyle would demand, ragged and low, that Eric look at him while he was pinned against the locker. Because although other rapturous words would fail him, if they could just look into each other's eyes there would be no need to speak at all.

Kyle jolted when he remembered Luke sat beside him, looking more confused and left-out than ever. It was if he had walked in on Kyle and Eric doing exactly what Kyle was just reminiscing about. He glared at Eric then, before Luke could say anything.

"Why the hell did you ask a question you had to drink to?"

Eric shrugged, infuriatingly nonchalant.

"I don't know," he replied. "It was just the first thing that came to my head. Do you wanna go next, Kyle?"

"No, thanks..."

"I'll go!" Kenny offered, raising his hand. "Never have I ever... had a threesome?"

Nobody drunk to that.

"None of you?" Kenny asked, eyebrows raised. He shook his head. "Jesus, what the fuck are you doing in college?"

"Just ask something else!" Stan snapped.

At least Kyle wasn't the only one who didn't want to be there. Although he guessed Luke was probably wishing they had just gone home now too.

"Fine. Never have I ever... been tied up or handcuffed... you know, in the sack."

Stan wrinkled his nose, and shook his head.

"Jesus, dude..." he muttered, but drank anyway.

Kenny couldn't contain his laughter, and it was so infectious that Kyle couldn't help but chuckle too.

"Holy shit, was it Wendy?" Kenny asked.

"No!" Stan snapped, before rolling his eyes. He scratched at his leg. "Yeah... she bought these pink, fluffy handcuffs for Valentine's Day... we thought it would be funny!"

Thankfully, nobody noticed Eric drinking. Except Kyle. How could he not? His gaze was burning holes through him.

"Oh, bonus question!" Eric chimed in. "Never have I ever... tied anyone up?"

Of course. Of course he wouldn't fucking forget. Kyle glared at Eric, and drank.

"Really?" Luke asked, leaning in. "You've handcuffed somebody?"

Kyle grimaced, and fidgeted. He thought any embarrassment he had about that incident was discarded following Eric's encouraging moans and whimpers, his name raining from his mouth and never sounding better as he writhed beneath him... how gorgeous he looked with his arms above his head, and his wrists bound together. Glistening, flushed from head to toe, and all Kyle's.

"Not  _exactly_..." Kyle replied, shifting in his seat. "It was a scarf. It was just once..."

He was breathless, as though torn between two realities, two places, two identities and he was stretched to the point of breaking, snapping in half. That could never happen. It wouldn't happen, he couldn't give Eric the satisfaction. Although he was in desperate need of being satisfied right now. His jeans were growing tighter with every reminder of his and Eric's trysts, and he knew that even if he had the slightest chance of relief his mind would wander to Eric's touch, voice, scent, feel, and hazy golden eyes.

"Okay, I've got a good one," Eric said, seemingly unaffected by his guided tour down memory lane. "Never have I ever... been sucked off in Stan's bathroom?"

Kyle should've drank. But he was frozen. In disbelief that Eric would go that far, that he would reveal such an intimate memory. And not only that, but almost fall out of his chair laughing about it with Kenny like he didn't give a single fuck about how it affected Kyle. Maybe he just assumed that they didn't care about each other's feelings anymore? If so, then what the fuck was Eric was fighting for? Kyle no longer felt mortified, or anxious. His anger was thawing him out.

"What the fuck kind of question is that?!" Stan exclaimed, still very mortified.

"I noticed you're not drinking, Stan..." Kenny teased.

"Shut up, dude!"

Eric turned his attention to Kyle, expectant but goading. Like he knew he wouldn't dare drink. Well, fuck his expectations. Kyle returned Eric's hard stare, and drank.

"Dude!" Stan cried. "Kyle, what the hell?!"

Kyle pulled the bottle away from his lips so fast that some beer dribbled out of his mouth. Wiping his chin, he met Stan's horrified face.

"I'm so sorry..."

"No he isn't!" Kenny laughed, but quickly shut up when Kyle glared at him.

"Why, dude?" Stan asked. " _When?"_

Kyle had no idea how to answer, especially when Luke was so quiet beside him. No doubt feeling like more of an outsider than ever. Clueless, and desperate for answers. But Kyle couldn't do that to him, not ever but especially not tonight. He had to get out of there. The scent of beer, and leftover food, the living room dripping with memories, and everybody in it - but especially Luke and Eric - were suffocating. Kyle couldn't find his breath.

"I, uh... I can't..."

He stood up on wobbly legs. Hopefully he could blame it on the beer.

"Woah, dude, are you alright?" Stan asked.

"Yeah, babe, you okay?" Luke added, reaching out to support him.

Kyle wanted to answer, but hated all the attention. He feared if somebody stared long enough they would figure him out. At the very least they would figure out he had a semi.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I just..." he took a deep, shaky breath. "Need to go to the bathroom..."

* * *

_In the midst of possibly the most devastating moment of Kyle's life thus far, Kenny appeared to be the only rational and unaffected witness. While Kyle, Eric, and Stan were left reeling, struggling to take excruciating glances of one another, Kenny was the one to suggest they all sit down and try to talk about what just happened. Even Eric agreed to that, when he could be so disagreeable when forced into a position of defence. They sat around Eric's dining table, and twenty minutes limped by in heavy, tense silence. Kyle chewed his lip as he contemplated words too scary to say out loud, wringing his hands together in an effort to stop their shaking. Eric was silent beside him, his hand placed on the table, still waiting for Kyle to take it. Kyle wanted to, his fingers clawing into the dirt as his legs dangled off a cliff. Eric was reaching out for him, offering him safety. But Kyle didn't know if he was strong enough to let go and grasp it, to let Eric pull him up._

_Stan simply stared at the table, his eyes frozen in a wide, vacant position. Kyle imagined him replaying that mortifying moment over and over, and winced. Kenny sighed, throwing his head back._

_"Jesus Christ, can somebody just fucking say something please?" he begged, rubbing his eyes._

_"Go ahead, asshole!" Eric snapped. "You're the one who wanted us all to sit down and talk about this!"_

_"Hey, I just wanted a chill Saturday night, okay? But all that changed when you and Kyle decided to shove your tongues down each other's throats!"_

_Kyle grimaced, and watched Stan do the same._

_"Hey, we didn't just decide to 'shove our tongues down each other's throats,' okay?" Eric replied. "This has been going on for two months now!"_

_The confession electrified the room. Kyle glared at Eric, but then wilted when he noticed Stan was staring at him too. Confused, and shocked, and... betrayed._

_"Two months?" he said, before raising his voice. "This has been going on for two months? Why didn't you tell me, Kyle!"_

_Kyle opened his mouth to speak, but Eric replied for him._

_"Because it's none of your fucking business!"_

_Gritting his teeth, he elbowed Eric's arm._

_"Ow!"_

_"We didn't tell you because..." Kyle sighed. "It's not a big deal! Really, it's not..."_

_Out of the corner of his eye, Kyle saw Eric hang his head._

_"Dude, it's a huge fucking deal!" Stan protested, before Kyle could get too distracted by Eric._

_"Stan's right. I mean... what even is this?" Kenny asked. "Like, are you guys just fucking or-"_

_"Dude!" Stan interjected. Thankfully. Kyle's face was burning. "Kyle, you guys aren't... I mean, you haven't..."_

_Stan struggled like he didn't want to utter the words out loud. Kyle doubted he wanted to hear them either. He slid his gaze to Eric, shoulders hunched. Eric was already staring at him helplessly. What could they say? But apparently, their looks said it all. Stan groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose._

_"Oh my god..."_

_"So is it just sex?" Kenny asked._

_"No!" Eric and Kyle retorted in unison._

_Somehow, that sounded less convincing. Kyle fidgeted in his seat._

_"No," he added, shaking his head. "I... I don't know!"_

_Kyle regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth, because he knew it was a lie. Of course it was more! It was worth more than just sex, worth more than writing it off as something Kyle was unsure about. It was something he had never experienced with anyone else, and brought with it feelings he never knew existed, but that was too much to admit._

_"It's more than that," he continued, hoping he would stumble upon an answer. "We're dating! But we're trying to keep it casual, and to ourselves. We didn't wanna tell anybody, and we still don't wanna tell anybody."_

_"Yeah..." Eric added, however meekly. He nodded. "Yeah, exactly..."_

_Kyle could hardly breathe as he waited for Stan and Kenny's response. If it was good enough, if they could live with it. Stan soon shook his head, rising from his chair. Everybody's eyes were drawn to him, but he couldn't face their stares._

_"I'm sorry, I'm not..." he sighed, shaking his head again. "I can't listen to this right now. I'm just gonna..."_

_Stan stormed out of the living room before he could finish, heading for the kitchen. They watched him leave in silence, and looked to each other for an explanation. Kyle had to follow him. Heading into the kitchen, he saw that Stan was actually stood in the backyard, staring up at the sky with his hands in his pockets._

_Without his jacket, he shivered as he stepped outside. At least he could blame any trembling on the cold evening. He made sure to shut the back door with a gentle click. Taking a deep, sharp breath Kyle took slow steps towards him._

_"Stan..."_

_Kyle flinched when Stan turned around, angry and bewildered._

_"Kyle, what the hell are you doing?"_

_The question stung more than the mountain chill. It was a question Kyle was unprepared to answer._

_"Huh?"_

_"What the hell are you doing with him?" Stan asked. His eyes gleaming as if they were pleading for an answer. "Dude, I just don't understand!"_

_Kyle gritted his teeth, and hot anger swelled in his chest. He had spent years beating himself up and despairing over his feelings, and although it wasn't pleasant to have them called into question again, at least now he could give a solid answer. Actually say the words out loud, and be done with it. He huffed._

_"I don't know what to tell you, man, I just like him! It all happened really quickly, but I like him a lot. Does that... clear things up for you?"_

_Stan wrinkled his nose, his eyebrows furrowed._

_"No! No, of course it doesn't, Kyle! You bitch about him all the time! You're at each other's throats constantly-"_

_"Not..." Kyle stopped, rolled his eyes. "Not lately..."_

_"Yeah, well, now I know why! He's the biggest asshole on the planet, Kyle!" Stan's voice was starting to strain. "You've said so yourself!"_

_Kyle flushed from head-to-toe, hating how hard he had to try to explain his feelings for Eric when he knew they were inexplicable. They were strange, and overwhelming, and nothing he had ever felt before._

_"I know!" he yelled. "I know, I have! I know exactly who he is, Stan!"_

_Stan exhaled, shaky and tired. He threw his arms up in defeat, or maybe resignation._

_"So... then what is this, dude?" he asked, panting. His face was still creased with confusion and frustration. "What do you see in him?"_

_Kyle fiddled with the hem of his shirt and figured out what to tell Stan. But what could he say? He was just as exhausted, and exasperated, and the words struggled to leave his lips because he knew they would only prompt more questions._

_"I told you, I know exactly who he is... and I know there's so much more to him." He fought the urge to smile. "I'm not saying you need to see it too, but you just need to know that I see something special in him. I feel it..." Kyle sighed. "When he smiles at me, and looks at me, and makes me laugh, and when we're alone... it feels right. Finally. After all these years it just feels... right."_

_Stan nodded, eyes wandering to the grass._

_"Does that make sense?" Kyle asked, trying to reach his gaze._

_"I guess..." Stan replied. He took a big breath and shook his head. "I don't know..."_

_Kyle looked at his sneakers and nodded. Admittedly, a little disappointed but not surprised. After all, one of the reasons he was so determined to keep him and Eric a secret was because he knew it would be hard to take._

_"Seems like he makes you happy, though..."_

_Kyle slowly raised his head to Stan. He was waiting for his answer, but Kyle had none. He simply smiled, and nodded._

_"Okay." Stan nodded, smiling too. "That's all that counts."_

_An elated warmth spread from Kyle's chest, and he was sure it was Stan's acceptance. His smile grew wider._

_"Thanks, dude."_

_Stan shrugged._

_"Hey, I'm your best friend, man," he replied. "I just want you to be happy."_

_Kyle nodded, tucking his hands into his pockets and taking a quiet, relieved breath._

_"But as your best friend..." Stan said, stepping closer to Kyle. He looked into his eyes, and that pleading gleam returned. "Just promise you'll be careful, alright?"_

_Kyle choked on that relieved breath. He searched Stan's face for any clarity on what he meant but found none. Deep down, he knew exactly what Stan was afraid of. Kyle was afraid too. How could he not be? When what he felt was so huge, it was natural to fear that he might lose it all. Lose everything. He nodded, and followed Stan back inside._

* * *

Kyle didn't look back as he rushed up the stairs, content to leave the others to their stupid game. He just needed to be alone, free to pace, catch his breath, let his heartbeat mellow and his wild imagination simmer. He stumbled to the bathroom, panting, and his palm was slick as he twisted the doorknob. He nearly collapsed into the sink like it was a modest desert spring, although he knew it wouldn't quench his desire for what he really wanted. But that was out of the question. In fact, what he wanted was exactly who he was trying to escape from. This was just a band-aid. The stinging, cold water was relief for his hot face, pinching his cheeks and biting his fingertips. But it wasn't enough. He splashed and splashed, wanting to feel completely numb. Unaffected, fortified. It was the only way he was going to survive these few days. Hell, with Eric never too far from his mind, it was the only way he was going to survive  _period_.

He braced himself, both hands gripping the edges of the sink until his knuckles strained white. He tried to steady his breaths, and raised his head to greet his dripping reflection. His cheeks were still flushed with anger, and shock, and arousal, and his lips were parted, speechless as before. Footsteps coming up the stairs and then padding down the hallway pulled him away from despairing over his pathetic reflection. In his rush, he had left the door open. But before he could shut it, Eric appeared, and Kyle stiffened immediately.

"Hey..." Eric whispered. His soft voice sounded strange to Kyle now, after his calculating questions and unyielding stares.

Kyle backed away, refusing to be sucked in.

"What's up?" he asked, as if he didn't know the answer. He was smiling already.

Kyle didn't care if it was bait. His jaw clenched now, and his damp fingers balled into fists.

"Drop the fucking act, Eric! You know what's up! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Huh?" Eric replied, a convincing crease in his brow. "I just wanted to see if you were okay since you fucking bolted-"

"Yeah, because of all those questions!" Kyle snapped. "What is wrong with you? Those things were... private, okay? They were supposed to be between you and me! And bringing them up in front of Luke was just-"

"Come on, the guy doesn't suspect a thing," Eric cut in, rolling his eyes.

Kyle huffed. As if Eric would have to deal with the consequences if Luke did suspect something.

"I wouldn't be so sure," Kyle said, folding his arms across his chest. "You weren't exactly subtle."

Eric hummed under his breath, as though he were actually considering that Kyle may have a point. In fact, he just appeared to be softening. His shoulders rose and fell gently, and he smiled as though he were only smiling to himself, recalling a pleasant memory. It reached his eyes, reminiscent and faraway from this place, their friends, and Kyle's boyfriend downstairs. Kyle wasn't even sure if Eric wanted him to be there, really. Certainly not the Kyle stood in front of him now, who had rejected him and snapped at him. He wanted the Kyle who had kissed him, and comforted him, who had laughed at his jokes, and had fallen asleep on his shoulder when the weekends stretched to eternity in his bedroom. Still, he was looking at Kyle the way he looked at him then. The look that made him feel delicate and powerful all at once, that even now clutched his heart and made it brim with anticipation.

"What..." Kyle choked on the word. "What are you looking at?"

Eric shrugged, shoved his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, and took slow steps towards him.

"What do you think I'm looking at?" he asked, eyes never leaving Kyle, and Kyle's feet didn't budge.

"I... uh..."

"I'm looking at you." Eric smiled, like it couldn't be any other answer. "It's been a while since I've seen you like this. All red, and flustered... I miss it." Kyle lifted his hand to his face, and cringed at how his cheek was still burning. He didn't even notice Eric was only a few inches away from him until it was too late. He tried to back away, but met the cold porcelain of the sink. A shiver ran down his spine, and Eric's gaze ran over him. "Kyle, you're so fucking gorgeous..."

No matter how many times Eric complimented him, it still threw Kyle as to how he should respond. He usually succumbed to a flattered, blushing smile, or replied with a kiss. But he couldn't do the latter, not again. Even if the temptation still existed, with Eric's mouth so close... he gulped, as if his weakening willpower frightened him.

"Th-thanks," he managed, his voice barely above a whisper.

His eyes roamed the room, determined not to meet Eric's own persistent gaze.

"And hey, I'm sorry about those questions..."

Kyle almost gave in.

"I guess they were a little over the line."

Kyle scoffed, and nodded.

"Yeah, just a little..." he muttered.

He had only let his guard down a fraction, and yet when Eric snickered he instantly drew Kyle's eyes to him. He was grinning, but a tooth snagged his bottom lip. Contemplating something, or resisting it, Kyle wasn't sure.

"Brought back some great memories though, right?" Eric asked, and his eyes lit up. "If you think about it - and I sure as hell do - we were pretty fucking amazing together. Remember? We couldn't keep our hands off each other..."

He murmured that last part, so humid and scintillating between them that Kyle couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face. It sent the most content, vivid, and exhilarating memories of his life so far floating to the front of his mind, and he wasn't prepared to disperse them just yet.

"Yeah..." he nodded, looking into Eric's eyes. "I haven't forgotten."

Eric returned the smile, delighted.

"So you can't really blame me for asking those questions, can you? What was I supposed to do? There are so many memories in my living room alone. Remember that time my mom went to Vail for the weekend with that guy... what was his name? Saul? Gaul?"

Kyle chuckled.

" _Paul."_

"Yeah, that's right." Eric grinned, as if he cared. "Remember we fucked on the couch at least... eight times?"

" _Six_ ," Kyle corrected. "Non-consecutive times. On the sixth time it made a weird, squeaky noise like it was about to break so we stopped."

"Yeah, yeah, that's right." Eric chuckled, the fondness in his eyes smoothing the edges of his wickedness. It soon returned however, when his striking, golden eyes found Kyle's again. "We fucked on the carpet after that, didn't we?"

"Yes? I'm pretty sure you still got the carpet burn to prove it."

They laughed together, and the gentle, secretive noise thrummed between them. Eric shook his head, eyes roaming the room, and he sighed.

"Wow, we pretty much fucked in every corner of this house..."

The hyperbolic statement made Kyle hot all over, uncomfortable and squirmy.

"No, we didn't..." he muttered. But honestly, he wasn't entirely sure.

Yeah, they took advantage of having Eric's house to themselves when they could, and sex was a great solution to boredom, especially when it could often be so mind-blowing, and bone-melting. But they weren't animals! Kyle wasn't a sex addict! Not anymore, at least... although when he and Eric first started having sex he did fear he would develop an unhealthy craving for it, when he thought about it so much and wanted desperately to do it again whenever he had the chance.

"Wanna bet?" Eric teased. "Let's see, there was the couch, the carpet..." he counted each one off on his fingers. "The stairs, up against the living room wall, my bedroom wall, the bathroom wall..."

Kyle's skin prickled and his breaths started coming harder as Eric recounted each of their trysts one after the other. But maybe it wasn't just that? Maybe it was his velvet voice, and his usual, alluring scent buried beneath beer and pizza, and the tantalising, diminutive inches between them that let Kyle know Eric was just as warm as he was right now, and his lips Kyle wanted to kiss just so he would  _just shut the fuck up._

"Okay, okay, I get it-"

"My bed, my desk chair, the dining room table... the  _shower..."_

Kyle glanced at the shower, and gulped as though he were a criminal too close to a crime scene. He shouldn't be there, it was too suspicious, too  _tempting_.

Eric chuckled.

"Remember you almost pulled the shower curtain down when you-"

"Kyle?"

Luke appeared like a phantom in the doorway behind Eric, and Kyle froze as if a spirit had actually manifested itself. He pushed himself away from Eric, and wished he had splashed some more water on his face before he approached Luke.

"Hey!" he replied, bright but clumsy like a flickering bulb.

"Are you alright?" Luke asked. "You had me worried there for a second."

Kyle swallowed, and nodded a little too much.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." he smiled. "Totally fine."

"Great..." Luke nodded, smiling too though it didn't last for long. "But maybe we should go home?"

Kyle almost fell to his knees at the suggestion. He nodded.

"Yeah, good idea..."

He looked over his shoulder at Eric, and he wasn't even trying to hide his disappointment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed! I'd love to hear your thoughts!


	8. Mercenary

Luke didn't say one word to Kyle after leaving Eric's house. They walked home in silence, went straight to bed, and didn't even face as each other as they tried to sleep. Kyle felt too terrible to talk, felt he didn't deserve to make excuses for himself, and besides, he had no idea what to say to Luke when he had no idea how he was feeling. It felt as though Kyle had left Luke behind in that bathroom, frozen and fixated on an image he never expected to see, and that he didn't understand. Hollow, and yet weighted with questions he was afraid to ask. Maybe it was for the best, since Kyle was too afraid to answer. Still, to Kyle's horror, as they walked down the deserted, quiet street, or got ready for bed, he swore he could see the odd question bubbling on Luke's lips. His stunned, dormant expression cracking, and questions as corrosive and destructive as lava were ready to pour out. Instead, they fell asleep.

Kyle awoke with a dull headache, and nausea clutching his stomach. But he could handle the discomfort of a small hangover. He couldn't handle the remorse of his actions last night. He replayed every moment of that damn game over and over, torturing himself with futile regret. Why did he drink? Play along? Why didn't he make an effort to leave? Why did he let Eric come so close? Why did he give in every time? To those eyes, those hands, his voice, his smile. He tried to curse them, to hate them, but he couldn't. They were enchanting, after all. Eric had cast his spell long ago and Kyle couldn't break it if he tried. Honestly, did he even want to?

Luke was still asleep, and Kyle saw an opportunity to clean the slate of yesterday. They would wash the bitter taste of last night's party out of their mouths, and start today fresh. Kyle needed to apologise, but knew that every truce required a peace offering. He would make Luke breakfast in bed.

He declined his mom's offer to make him breakfast, and when he told her what he had planned, declined her second offer of just doing everything for him. Surely, that didn't count. He needed to make the effort,  _wanted_  to. It still didn't deter his mom from hovering over his shoulder, reminding him that she was there to help. He did eventually yield, after burning the turkey bacon. Hopefully Luke wouldn't notice it was only really charred around the edges. Toast was easy, golden and glistening with butter. The scrambled eggs were fairly simple too, when Kyle just followed his mom's method which he knew was delicious. Finally, he placed the coffee (just the way Luke liked it) on the tray, and smiled, reassuring himself that this would be enough. It would at least ease the process of talking about last night, a sufficient ice-breaker for an apology.

He ascended the stairs carefully, noticing the shuddering of the coffee with every step he took. Outside his bedroom door, his breakfast once cute and promising, now seemed decidedly inadequate. He wasn't a great cook, and while this wasn't at all about the food, it was about something much bigger. Kyle took a quiet breath, and opened the door. The tray went a little lopsided as he did so, the mug sliding a little.

"Shit!" he hissed, quickly correcting it. Some coffee spilled over the rim of the mug.

When he entered his bedroom, Luke was awake already and sat up in bed. Perhaps he was disturbed by Kyle's fumbling outside the door? Still, watching his confusion melt into pleasant surprise as pretty as any spring flower emboldened Kyle.

"Good morning." He smiled.

"Hey..." Luke replied, voice still sleepy but smiling too. "What's going on?"

Kyle shrugged, as if he had been at all nonchalant while preparing Luke's breakfast.

"Just thought I'd make you breakfast in bed."

Luke's shoulders drooped, and his smile came into proper bloom on his face.

"Really? Thank you..."

Kyle perched next to Luke on his bed, and Luke propped up his pillow behind his back. The china on the tray seemed to rattle as Kyle handed the tray to Luke.

"Sorry, the bacon is a little burnt, but-"

"Kyle, it looks delicious," Luke assured, as he started to dig in.

Kyle watched him eat, as he chewed at his lower lip. He was just waiting for the right moment to broach the topic of last night. But every moment felt wrong, too soon, too painful, and Kyle realised that was never going to change. He would be waiting forever. He swallowed the protesting lump in his throat, his skin prickled with sudden sweat.

"Listen, I'm sorry about last night." The words rushed out of his mouth. "It was kind of a bummer."

Luke had raised his coffee to his lips. He froze beside Kyle, gaze slid towards him, and said nothing. Letting the apology sink in, judging it, deciding his own response. He hid his mouth behind his coffee mug, leaving Kyle to wonder if he was smiling, or frowning or what. Eventually, he nodded. It wasn't the response Kyle was expecting, and certainly not the one he was hoping for. Luke placed his coffee back on the tray. His lips were pursed, and his eyes were on his breakfast.

"It did get a little awkward... and you and Cartman..." Luke winced, and so did Kyle. He shook his head. "Honestly, I didn't know what to think when I saw you two in the bathroom-"

"God, I know what it looked like, Luke, but... it was nothing," Kyle replied, pleading. "He's always been this way. He just gets off on annoying me-"

"It looked like you were both getting off..." Luke mumbled.

It stung Kyle, as sharp and surprising as a slap. An accusation that wasn't entirely unfounded. Luke shifted beside him, even his gaze was antsy and wandering the room, as if wanting to abandon his mean words so remarkably unlike him. Luke had never been jealous, or snide. Maybe now Kyle had given him reason to? He lowered his head, and tried to ride out the wave of shame in private. Luke's breakfast was going cold, half-eaten. Kyle didn't blame him, if he had the same heavy stomach as he did, then it was perfectly understandable why he didn't feel like eating.

"Kyle, I need to ask you something and please be honest..."

Kyle gulped, and nodded, even though he knew it was a promise he may not be able to keep. Luke didn't look entirely convinced, brow creased as he took a deep breath.

"I know you told me that you and Cartman are just friends, but is there more?" he asked, that crease in his brow deepening. His eyes were imploring, searching for Kyle's answer. "There's just this tension between you two, and I've tried to ignore it, but it's impossible! It's like, when you're together... you're the only two people in the room."

Kyle had no idea what to say. Talking seemed impossible. The smell of the breakfast drifted into his nostrils, suddenly potent, and sent his stomach leaping into his throat.

"Kyle?" Luke asked softly, leaning closer. "Please don't feel like you can't answer me. I'll accept whatever you tell me as long as you're telling me the truth."

It was then Kyle realised Luke was offering something he thought didn't exist. The best possible moment for Kyle to tell the truth, to be completely honest. He could tell Luke about him and Eric, their relationship, how they kissed the night before Luke arrived. Of course, Luke would be devastated, hurt, angry... but he would understand. He always did. Kyle would gladly suffer the consequences, withstand the penance. There would be justice, the scales tipped equally, and he would be free. There was just one problem. He couldn't bring himself to say it. He never could. It was too terrifying, too risky, even before Luke came along. There was a reason Kyle had been so determined to keep him and Eric a secret. It was a reason buried deep within him, and every action, every decision Kyle had made during his relationship with Eric, circled back to that reason. He didn't want to hurt anybody, himself included.

"There's nothing between me and Cartman," Kyle said, slowly and quietly. He managed to look into Luke's eyes. "I promise you, Luke. Our friendship... it's always been intense, and fucked up. It's never been normal, and it's never going to be. But I'm sorry for how it's made you feel." He reached out, placed a hand on Luke's forearm. "I'll try to work on it, however I can."

Kyle's breath hitched as he waited for Luke's response. He nodded, reluctantly, and Kyle sighed.

"Alright," Luke whispered. He smiled at Kyle weakly. "Thank you..."

Kyle smiled in return, but still felt trapped in the thick tension. It clung to them both like molasses. He moved his hand up Luke's arm, slow and soft.

"Um, do you wanna maybe go to Stark's pond later?" he asked, still smiling. "I can finally teach you how to skate like I promised I would."

Luke was looking at his breakfast, but lifted his eyes to Kyle and nodded. Kyle was glad, anything to get out of this confining bedroom.

* * *

_Kyle heard the laughter and conversation ringing through the trees, drowning out faint music, before he saw the party huddled around Stark's Pond. Nerves ignited in his stomach but were soon snuffed out by the realisation this party was all for him, and with Eric by his side the giddiness of the party already started was contagious, tantalising. Right now, the world didn't exist outside South Park, and for once that didn't seem so stifling, or frightening. It was perfect, neat, idyllic, and Kyle felt as though he ruled it all. The first state championship the South Park Cows had ever won, and Kyle had been the captain to lead them to victory. No matter how many times the realisation sprinted through his mind and left him breathless, no matter how loud his ecstatic teammates had cheered that fact in the locker room, screaming and jumping until the floor started to shake, Kyle couldn't quite believe it._

_He had hung out in the locker room, as usual, waiting for Eric. He would pace the room leisurely and morose if they lost, replaying the game in slow motion. He would take a quiet, shattered breath when Eric arrived in the locker room, offering him condolences and his sweet, sincere embrace. They would sit on the benches, Kyle's head resting on Eric's chest as he lamented, and Eric would nod, fingering Kyle's curls. He would pace when they won too. This time fidgeting, impatient, like a celebratory bottle of champagne just dying to be uncorked. Eric would arrive, grinning, and they would fly into each other's arms. Their fingers would shake with realised anticipation as they fought to take each other's clothes off. Tonight, Eric hadn't even had a chance to congratulate Kyle, before Kyle was cupping his face and bringing him to his lips. There were no post-victory quickies tonight. Kyle had a party to attend, and sampling Eric's flushed, eager lips was reward enough for a spectacular game._

_They smiled at each other tightly, and their eyes glimmered with words that didn't need to be said as they broached the tree-line. The party was closer than ever now, and Kyle could see that Stan and Kenny had joined his teammates in drinking and revelling in their recent, momentous victory._

_"There he is!" Jason called, pointing in their direction. Everybody turned their heads. "MVP!"_

_Kyle flushed, rolling his eyes at Eric in an attempt to be modest. Eric snickered, and shook his head, seeing right through it. He began to approach the party before Kyle did, encouraging Kyle to follow his lead. But it wasn't long before the party was swarming him, teeming with more cheers, and grins. Hands were raised to the inky sky, drinks held aloft and dribbling onto the snow. Kyle was suddenly wrenched from Eric's side and pulled into tight, swaying hugs. Hands clapped his back and seized his breath, and when he glanced at Eric apologetically he realised no apology was necessary. Eric just smiled, fond, and enjoying this as much as Kyle was._

_"Can you fucking believe it?!" Jason practically yelled in his face._

_"No..." Kyle laughed, shaking his head and feeling dizzy. "This is just... surreal..."_

_"Well, I can believe it!" Clyde chimed in. "We kicked fucking ass out there!"_

_With that, Clyde handed Eric and Kyle red cups and poured some Jack Daniels in them both, before Kyle could tell him that he wasn't really a big fan of the stuff._

_"Someone's taking a little too much credit..." Eric murmured, finding his way to Kyle's side again._

_Kyle snickered, appreciating Eric's protectiveness even though he didn't need it._

_"Come on, it's a team effort," he replied, still smiling. He raised his voice. "You were all amazing..." It was a cold evening, but everybody beaming in his direction warmed Kyle up. "I'm so fucking stoked, and so proud of all you guys. You were incredible."_

_"We couldn't have done it without you, man." Token smiled._

_"This calls for a toast!" Clyde announced, raising his cup and grinning when everybody followed suit. "To the best captain the Cows have ever known. To Kyle!"_

_"To Kyle!"_

_The cheers drifted into the sky like thick smoke from a bonfire, and there was a feeling in Kyle's chest that glowed just as bright. It made his drink considerably sweeter._

_"Thanks, guys." He smiled, lifting his cup again. "To the Cows!"_

_"To the Cows!"_

_Everyone drank, and Kyle felt cold, familiar fingers grasp his own. He choked, spitting his whiskey back into the cup. Eric's grip was tight, but Kyle easily wrestled his fingers out of his hold... and instantly felt terrible at his needless, callous fight. Eric didn't deserve such a brutal rejection, even if Kyle was annoyed that Eric could've made such a bold, foolish move in front of everyone. Perhaps Kyle had only himself to blame, for sending mixed signals when in their treasured, private places, their fingers would knit together so seamlessly._

_His hand was shaking now, damp, and he rubbed it on his jeans. He couldn't bear the pained, confused look on Eric's face. How could he be responsible for such a devastating look? A look he would've protected Eric from if anybody else had been the cause of it. Kyle knew what he was thinking: Why not? Why, on such a special occasion couldn't Kyle indulge Eric a little? Kyle had no wordy explanation. Instead, he swallowed his guilt, and kept his eyes on Eric as he shook his head._

* * *

Eric paced his bedroom like he couldn't afford to sit still, not with time running out. He thought he would have won Kyle back by now. He was sure last night was going to be a success. 'Never Have I Ever'? Eric believed he had won before the game even got started. He would covertly and methodically reveal his past relationship with Kyle to Luke, in turn making Kyle reminisce, realise just what he was missing, and what Luke couldn't give. When they were in the bathroom together, Eric could've sworn he was with the Kyle who didn't break up with him at the end of summer. The honest, unabashed Kyle. The Kyle who kissed him, and fooled around with him, and fell asleep on his chest when they were alone. He thought, as they strolled down memory lane together, they would end up fucking in the bathroom. Eric knew when Kyle was turned on. The blush springing to his cheeks, his parted lips, his ragged breath, and twitching fingers. He had memorised it, he could see it when he closed his eyes. Last night, he knew Kyle wanted him, and Eric would've let him have him. He would've smiled, lazy and victorious, when afterwards, Kyle would whisper, warm and breathless in his ear, that he would break up with Luke, and that it had always been Eric. He would seal it with a kiss to his flushed, hot cheek. But he never got the chance. Luke's horribly perfect timing, and Kyle's conscience, ruined it.

Instead, he was forced to jerk off furiously when he crawled into bed, after kicking the rest of the guys out when Kyle and Luke left because he didn't want to be around anyone. His orgasm was dulled somewhat by his frustration, his failure. But all those sultry memories of Kyle were swirling around his head, and they needed somewhere to go. Eric couldn't bear to dream of them, all they would do is keep him up. With his mind rid of forlorn, fervid memories, he was free to devise a new plan. One that surpassed the others, that would end this once and for all.

Despite his poor sleep, he woke up feeling invigorated. A plan was forming, and he had text Kenny so he would have somebody to revel in it with. Honestly, he was feeling a little lonely. Before he left Wisconsin, he'd had a very different idea of how he would be spending his Christmas break. Nervy and impatient, he jolted when he saw Kenny finally slip through the door out of the corner of his eye.

"Good," he said, with a relieved breath. "You're here."

"Yeah, are you alright, man?" Kenny asked, raising a concerned eyebrow and edging into the room as if it were booby-trapped.

"I'm fine..." Eric replied, continuing to pace.

Kenny nodded, silent and stood still. It was making Eric dizzy.

"God, will you please just fucking sit down?" he snapped. "It's driving me crazy..."

Kenny raised his hands in surrender, and sat himself down on Eric's bed.

"Are you sure you're okay? You seem a little... on edge..."

"Yeah, well, time is running out! Luke is going home in less than week, and he and Kyle are still together-"

Eric stopped, bristled, when Kenny threw his head back and didn't make an effort to hide his exasperated, pained sigh.

"God damn it..." he muttered, shaking his head. He stood up. "Okay, that's it. I'm out..."

An unsettling, needy panic gripped Eric when Kenny walked towards the door.

"Wh-wait don't you wanna hear my plan?"

"Nope," he replied, not even looking at Eric. "It's official, Cartman, you can't be reached, and I can't just sit back and watch this anymore, alright?"

"Kenny!" he pleaded. "Come on, man, you've got to at least hear me out!"

"Why the hell should I, Cartman?!" Kenny snapped, whipping back around and baring his teeth. It reminded Eric of when his usually docile cat would hiss and bat a hostile, sharp paw at him, startling him and offending him all at once. "It's a waste of time! For both of us! You know, I was pretty cool with you and Kyle dating! It's none of my fucking business, but you guys seemed happy and I was all for that! But..." his shoulders drooped. "Nothing lasts forever, right? Good things gotta come to an end, and... I don't know why you can't just accept that!"

"Because I-"

"No, I know how you feel, Cartman! It's not the first time you've told me! God, we're going around in circles here! Can't you see that? So why should I listen to another insane scheme, and watch you make a total ass out of yourself again?! Why should I waste my breath trying to stop you when I know you won't fucking listen!"

"Because I don't want you to talk me out of anything!" Eric yelled, his voice scratching against his throat. He felt his eyes burn and wished they wouldn't. "That's not what I need! I need my best friend! Do you know how fucking alone I feel right now?" he asked, figuring he should just admit it. How much more pathetic could he get, after all? Kenny lowered his head, refused to look at him. "It sucks balls, dude! And... best friends are supposed to be there for each other when they're insanely in love with someone, and have no fucking clue what to do about it! But I do know that giving up on Kyle is not an option! So can you just stop trying to make me... snap out of it, and come to my senses, and just fucking be there for me? Please?"

Eric was panting, and in his quiet room he felt like he was the only who was breathing. He sweated, and withheld tears, and rode out the ache of his heart hammering against his ribcage. The guilt, and the pride slowly melted from Kenny. He found his calm, understanding breaths again. He didn't say anything, just nodded and sat down on Eric's bed, waiting for him to talk.

"So what's the plan?" he asked, still tired, but there.

Eric smiled, but didn't want to wallow in gratitude for long.

"So Luke is leaving in about five days, and I've been wasting my time with amateur shit," he continued, pacing again. Slowly, this time, walking Kenny through his plan. "I don't know what I was thinking. I should've known Kyle wouldn't make this easy on me." He shook his head. "Stubborn asshole... it's too late for the long game. I was trying to cram all the steps into one week, but it's not enough. A slow erosion over time won't kill this, but one effective strike will."

"Meaning?"

" _Meaning_  I need to obliterate this whole fucking thing. I've tried sabotaging their dates, nostalgia, nothing has worked! All I have left is jealousy. It's like relationship napalm..."

"And you really think that will work?" Kenny asked, brow creased with scepticism.

Eric shrugged, dismissing his heart's sudden sting.

"Well, I have first-hand experience of how affective it is, so..."

"Yeah... of course..." Kenny nodded apologetically. "But how exactly are you gonna make Luke jealous?"

"I'm not." Eric beamed at his own twist. "I'm gonna make Kyle jealous."

Kenny didn't react as Eric would've expected. Instead, the crease in his brow deepened, and he stared at Eric hard for an explanation

"Kyle?"

"Yep," Eric replied, still smiling. "Kyle."

"Again, how is that gonna work?" Kenny asked. He fidgeted, uncomfortable. "You don't have a boyfriend."

"Not a problem." Eric shrugged. "I'll just need a little help..."

The crease in Kenny's brow disappeared, realisation dawning.

"Oh no." He shook his head, eyes widened in protest. "Cartman, no! Not me! I'm not getting involved-"

"I didn't expect you to!" Eric cut in, rolling his eyes. "It'd get too messy. No, I need someone a little more... mercenary."

* * *

_It wasn't hard for Eric to avoid Kyle for the rest of the night. He was the MVP after all, the main event, the star that seemed to have fallen from the evening, mountain sky. Kyle was pulled into one conversation after another, drinking in everybody's attention like it could get him as drunk as the liquor pouring freely. And if Kyle was playing a game of pinball, bouncing from teammate to classmate and their tipsy, exhilarated grins, then Eric was playing solitaire. Alone, and trying to secure an impossible victory. For once, he didn't care that Kyle was ignoring him. They could keep him, he thought, all these people he was trying to impress._

_It was painfully easy, really, for Eric to slip away to the other side of the pond. It was streaked with moonlight, but hardly illuminated the party he was missing out on. If he squinted, he could've seen Kyle. Talking, laughing, playing a part that irritated Eric beyond belief, but one he played well. Captivating nonetheless, and glimmered with the Kyle Eric had come to know, to love more than he ever thought was possible. He wished that Kyle had come tonight. He wished that Kyle was sat beside him, hands side by side in the snow, slowly freezing but their fingers would touch and ignite a spark. And best of all? Kyle wouldn't even mind. Eric finished his drink quickly to dull the sting, and then tossed his cup aside._

_"Hey..."_

_Eric jolted at the sound of Kyle's voice, he was hot and prickling beneath his layers. How did Eric not hear him approach? His feet crushing the snow? He turned his head and saw Kyle waiting patiently, eyes earnest and hands tucked into his jacket pockets. It only enraged Eric more, that Kyle had come to him, rid of any pride and able to call himself the bigger man. He hated how glad he was that it was finally just the two of them tonight. He scowled._

_"What do you want?"_

_Kyle tutted, lowered his head like Eric was the one in the wrong._

_"To hang out with you?" he replied, sharp and yet fragile like broken glass. "I... I was worried about you, Eric. You've been quiet all night and when you disappeared-"_

_"Yeah, well, I didn't think you'd notice," Eric cut in, turning his attention to the pond. "I thought I was doing you a favour."_

_Eric's shoulders stiffened when he heard Kyle sigh. His crunching footsteps approached him, and a cold, biting lack was soon replaced by Kyle's familiar, perfect body heat beside him. Eric tried to remain as frosty as the evening chill, avoiding Kyle's eyes like they were suns drenched blue-green._

_"Why would you think that?"_

_Eric had no idea a question asked so innocently could piss him off so much. Was Kyle that dumb? His intelligence was well-known, one of the things that had always drawn Eric to him, but sometimes when it came to his feelings he was totally clueless._

_"Oh, I don't know, Kyle!" he snapped. "Maybe because when I tried to hold your hand you freaked out like I was a fucking leper!"_

_Eric, angry and fearless, had braved staring into those blue-green suns and saw them flare with a keen guilt. It was an elusive eclipse when Kyle tore his gaze away from him suddenly. Eric sighed. He was tired of this. He shook his head, and began to slowly rise from the ground._

_"Look, if you don't want me here, I'll just fucking go-"_

_"No!" Kyle cried, grabbing his wrist and squeezing it._

_Eric froze immediately, Kyle's grip was tight enough that it choked the whole mountain. Eric's breath had certainly stopped. Kyle was just as wide-eyed as he was, and his grip softened as he silently pled. Hypnotised, Eric lowered himself to the ground again, sat in the snow. He hadn't even noticed Kyle had weaved their fingers together, just like he had wanted. Kyle's grateful smile trembled, and when he pressed their linked hands to his chest, Eric felt his steady heartbeat thumping through his jacket._

_"Please stay..." Kyle whispered. "I want you here. Really, I want you here more than anybody else."_

_A smile was aching to spread across Eric's lips. When it came to Kyle he was easily pleased. Too easy, in fact, and he had to stop pretending that Kyle's small gestures, though wonderful and treasured, were anything deeper, that they promised any real change. Was it too much to ask? For Kyle to risk a little bit more for him? So he pursed his lips, suffocating his smile._

_"Listen, I'm sorry for what I did earlier," Kyle added. "It was shitty, and as soon as I did it I regretted it because I would never want to hurt you, Eric. It's just... I was scared. I didn't see it coming, especially in public. You know we have to be so careful, Eric. If we want to keep this a secret we can't do stuff like that. If we don't want the pressure, and the judging-"_

_"Kyle, you don't have to keep telling me, okay?" Eric cut in. Eyes closed, this was exhausting. "I know, and I really don't care anymore."_

_Eric felt Kyle's fingers slip away from him a little. He was surprised himself, that he had admitted out loud that this wasn't as great as it could be, that he wasn't fine, that he wanted more. But he figured that now was not the time to stop._

_"I just want you," he added, staring into Kyle's unsure eyes. "Who cares what those assholes think?"_

_Kyle took a shattered breath and lowered his head. He may have wanted to avoid an answer, but he just gave one. It pushed a lump into Eric's throat, and he nodded, slow and understanding. His eyes wandered to the pond, wondering what was left to say. Kyle tugged at his hand again._

_"Look at me..." he whispered._

_Eric listened, willing to hear Kyle out because he had nothing. But all Kyle had was an honest, hard kiss. Before Kyle could pull away, Eric tilted his head and parted his lips, claiming Kyle's mouth again. However difficult this was, after all, he couldn't possibility let go. Their hands unlinked, but it felt okay. They weren't separated. They could still kid themselves that it was just them here tonight, but Eric didn't care if everybody could see them across the pond. He wanted more when Kyle pulled away, lips still parted and they shared torrid breaths._

_"Wait..." Kyle whispered, forehead pressed to Eric's._

_"What are you-" Eric stopped himself when Kyle took off his jacket, chuckling in disbelief. "Are you insane? Kyle, it's freezing!"_

_Kyle shook his head._

_"I don't care," he replied. "Come on..."_

_He pushed Eric into the snow, throwing the jacket over the top of them as they lay side by side. Eric was surrounded by Kyle, the warmth and scent of his jacket, Kyle's body beside him, the taste of him in his mouth. Sealed off and protected, and he welcomed Kyle's stinging, enthusiastic kisses._

_"We're gonna get soaked!" He laughed, breathless in the space of their kisses._

_"So?" Kyle grinned, raking his gaze over Eric. "Jeez, didn't think you'd nag so much."_

_Eric chuckled and rolled his eyes, but noticed Kyle quivering beside him._

_"You're shivering..." he whispered._

_Kyle couldn't deny it, and Eric figured that if Kyle could protect them from judgemental eyes, then he could protect him from the cold. He wrapped his arm low around Kyle's waist and pulled him flush. Eric swore he felt the heat blossom under Kyle's clothes as soon as they touched. Kyle smiled, kissing him in gratitude. Slow, deep, and indulgent, they teased their kisses out with giddy smiles. Above the close sounds of the jacket rustling, their wet lips softly smacking, and the moans that rumbled low in their throats, Eric could hear the whistle of fireworks. One eye lifted open, and saw the colours flickering on Kyle's jacket like their passion had given it a vibrant pulse of its own. Their kiss slowed and stopped, and when Eric blinked his hazy eyes open, he noticed the colours flickered too on Kyle's flushed, beaming face._

As if he isn't god damn beautiful enough already.

_"The fireworks..." Kyle whispered, as if he had only just noticed. "Do you wanna see?"_

_Eric didn't even have to think._

_"No..." he grinned._

_Kyle nodded, accepting his answer gladly._

_"Me neither." He smiled, and kissed Eric again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only four more chapters to go, and more drama to come! I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thank you for reading!


	9. Jealousy, Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little nervous about this because this is the first time I've ever split a chapter in two. I originally intended to write one big chapter but it just seemed so bulky and way too dense. Hopefully this will add to the suspense though! Part two should be out in about a week if I can keep to my schedule. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Friday night had arrived, and Eric was fussing with his hair in the hallway mirror. They were only heading over to Token's house, but Eric wasn't wearing his best clothes, or the cologne he knew was Kyle's personal favourite, to impress the people at the party, or even his date for this evening. It was all part of Operation Jealousy. Arm candy wasn't going to be enough to elicit Kyle's envy, Eric had to show him what he was missing, inspire temptation. Although in the past it hadn't taken a whole lot for Kyle's hands and eyes to wander when they were alone, for Kyle to press his lips to his without warning, like he just had to have a taste. But there had never been so many obstacles before. Tonight, nothing would stop Eric from tearing them down.

There was a knock at the door, and Eric rushed to answer it before his mom could. He had hired a male escort for this evening, as he figured they were about as mercenary as he was going to get. At least he could be honest about his intentions with no hurt feelings or misunderstandings. That shit would not be tolerated tonight. Unless it was Luke's hurt feelings, but Eric could care less about them. He was the largest obstacle to tear down, after all.

Eric answered the door to the sharpest cheekbones he had ever seen. In fact, the guy in front of him just seemed to have been carved by the most precise, adoring hand, in warm, shining olive. The low, wide neckline of his shirt exposed the defined lines of his shoulders and chest, and his dark hair was styled with not a strand out of place. Eric thought guys like this only existed in underwear ads, on unobtainable, expensive catwalks. Still, he felt empty as he stared. Whereas when he looked at Kyle, smiling, scowling, sleeping, staring into space he was filled with a sharp, searing desire that caught his breath and rushed through his veins.

"Hey..." the guy smiled, hands tucked into the pockets off his tight pants. "Eric, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, come in," Eric replied, hurrying him inside and closing the door as fast as he could.

The guy still smiled, although studied his surroundings a little dazed.

"So..." Eric began, he had no idea what to say in this alien situation. But he had to clear one thing up first. "Your real name isn't Rex, right?"

Rex blinked, broke out in a grin, and rolled his eyes. Eric waited impatiently for an answer while Rex tried to be coy, eyes lidded and chin tilted. He stepped closer to Eric.

"Well, my name can be whatever you want it to be..." he said, voice humid and fingers brushing Eric's arm.

He was quick to shrug him off.

"Dude, seriously..." Eric replied, arching an eyebrow, unconvinced.

Rex's smile vanished, and his fingers withered. He rolled his eyes once more, and relented.

"It's Jeremy..."

Eric sighed, smiling for the first time since Jeremy got here.

"That's better," Eric said, grabbing his jacket from the hat stand and slipping it over his shoulders.

"We're going out?" Jeremy asked.

"Wow, hot  _and_  astute," Eric remarked. "Yeah, we're going to a party."

Jeremy's face lit up, his hazel eyes shining.

"Sounds great..."

"Don't get too excited," Eric warned him. "It's just a house party with a bunch of pricks from high school. But we're going to my friend's house to pre-game first, so before we go we need to run over the plan."

"There's a plan?"

"Yes? Come on, I bet I'm not the first client you've had with special...  _requirements_."

"That's pretty much all of my clients..." Jeremy nodded, rubbing the nape of his neck.

"Great, well, tonight I don't want you to fuck me, or 'keep me company,'" Eric explained, with derisive air quotes. "I just want you to pretend that you're my boyfriend to make my ex-boyfriend jealous."

Eric was ready to walk out the door and head over to Kyle's house, but was ensnared by Jeremy's surprised, and almost judgemental expression. Exactly the thing Eric was trying to avoid by hiring him in the first place.

"What?" he asked, sharp.

Jeremy bristled, shaking his head.

"Nothing, it's just a little..." he cleared his throat. "Weird..."

He winced as he said the word, but Eric wasn't going to smart from that. He nodded to himself, considering Jeremy's reaction.

"It's unorthodox, sure, but I know it's going to work," he replied, just wanting the conversation to end. "Trust me. So are you ready to go?"

"Sure, sure..." Jeremy nodded, still a little dazed.

Eric hoped the brisk, winter air would snap him out of it by the time they reached Kyle's house. He opened the door, the cold already creeping in.

"Wait!" Jeremy said suddenly. "I just have a couple of questions."

Eric closed his eyes, releasing a heavy sigh. He turned to face Jeremy, and plastered on a smile.

"Okay, shoot."

"Uhh..." Jeremy avoided Eric's gaze as he tried to ask his question. "Why are you doing this, exactly?"

Eric didn't know how to answer that question without prompting more, without dismantling his determined, carefully painted game-face he couldn't afford to shatter tonight. Jeremy fidgeted, almost uncomfortable on Eric's behalf.

"Sorry, if that's too-"

"I'm doing this because I know that me and Kyle are meant to be together," Eric cut in, voice hard and taut. "Being with him was the best time of my life, and nobody has ever made me feel the way he makes me feel, so even though we broke up this summer I know this isn't the end. I can't just give up. Even though we're thousands of miles away from each other in college, and he has a boyfriend. That shit is trivial compared to what me and Kyle have, but he just doesn't know it yet." He sighed, and smiled. "But with your help, he's gonna realise it tonight."

Jeremy just nodded to himself.

"Have I cleared things up for you?" Eric asked, fidgeting in the silence.

"I think so..."

"Then let's go!" Eric said, as he ushered Jeremy out of his house.

"You know Grindr exists, right? Finding a guy there would've been a lot cheaper," Jeremy pointed out as they walked.

Eric shook his head.

"You would think, but it would get too messy. Any guy I picked would've wanted more. A second date, or sex, or whatever. No, this is purely a business transaction."

"I get that..." Jeremy nodded. "Listen, I don't usually this do but - well, I've never done anything like  _this_ before so it's only fitting - I just... I'm gonna have to ask to be paid up front."

Eric tried to roll his eyes discreetly.

"Alright, how much?"

"One fifty," Jeremy replied, strong and clear, like he was glad this was the first thing he was sure of this evening.

Eric pulled his wallet out from his jacket pocket.

"Here," he said, handing Jeremy one hundred and fifty dollars.

Jeremy's eyes widened, as if he couldn't believe Eric was actually willing to pay for this. He grinned as he counted the money, and slipped it into his own wallet.

"You must really love this guy to go to all this trouble," he remarked, still grinning.

"Yeah, well, you better be worth it," Eric replied, eyes on the illuminated windows of Kyle's house.

* * *

Kyle's dad had bought his mom theatre tickets for a show in Denver as part of her Hanukah gifts, and so he jumped at the opportunity of having the house to himself to pre-game with the guys before Token's Christmas party. Although admittedly, he hadn't exactly been in the party mood lately, and neither had Luke. There had been no explosive arguments, no plans cancelled due to frostiness between them... just a tension that neither knew how to address, but was written across every deep, thoughtful line in their face, that rang through every long, uncomfortable silence. Luke often tried to drum up wince-inducing levels of enthusiasm that Kyle felt bad for not being able to maintain. He had put Luke through so much, he could at least feign some energy, right? But he felt so weighted by every day of this exhausting break, every fraught encounter with Eric.

In a perfect world, Kyle wouldn't have invited Eric tonight. But how could he not? He was bound to show up at the party, they were bound to run into each other, and Eric would've made every chance meeting outside the bathroom, or in the hallway, more excruciating because he knew he wasn't wanted. In a world even more perfect, Kyle wouldn't have to dodge Eric at all. Luke had prickled at Kyle's sheepish mention of Eric coming over tonight, but he nodded and smiled as if Kyle hadn't noticed his apprehension. He too knew that the only thing worse than inviting Eric, would be excluding him. Kyle would just have to be stronger, keep his wits about him, so he wouldn't fall again.

He felt safe at the moment, sat on his couch next to Luke, drinking at a leisurely pace with Stan and Kenny, and engaging in their bright, easy conversation. In fact, his biggest problem was Ike wandering downstairs and nagging him about sharing his drinks.

"Please, Kyle!" he begged. "One beer!"

"God damn it, Ike, no! Do you know what mom would do to me if she finds out I got you drunk?"

"Yeah, she'd kill you but it's not a problem! I'm not gonna get drunk off one beer dude, I'm not some pussy lightweight!"

Kyle furrowed his eyebrows at his brother's assured tone.

"Uh, how do you even know that?" he asked.

"Because I've drank before? Like you didn't when you were my age..."

Kyle opened his mouth to argue, but realised he had nothing. He looked to Stan and Kenny for back-up, to see if they had discovered a way to twist Ike's argument. But they had already conceded, nodding in defeat.

"He's got you there, dude," Stan said with an apologetic shrug.

Kyle shifted in his seat, not willing to give up just yet. Especially when Ike had that annoying smirk on his face that he always had when he was right, arms folded across his puffed-out chest.

"Yeah, but I didn't drink in the house-"

"No, you got drunk in Bebe's basement and threw up all over her dad's pool table," Kenny pointed out.

"Ha!" Ike laughed, eyes shining with glee. "And I'm the fucking lightweight?"

Kyle scowled.

"Thanks, Kenny..."

"Listen, Ike, why would you wanna drink beer when you could sample my delicious homemade cocktail?" he asked. "My own spin on a Pina Colada?"

"Hell yeah, man, I'll try that!"

"No, you won't!" Kyle huffed irritably, running a hand through his hair. "God, if I let you have one beer will you leave us alone?"

Ike shrugged nonchalantly, as if he had forgotten how much he had nagged.

"Sure thing, bro." He nodded.

Kyle reached for an icy bottle and handed it to Ike, the wicked grin on his little brother's face thawing out his own helpless smile.

"You're the best, Kyle."

"Yeah, yeah..." Kyle tried to reply dismissively, but he was still smiling.

"Hey, is that tequila?" Ike asked, peering at the crowded coffee table. "Are you guys gonna do shots?"

"Do you want me to play 'kick the baby' again?" Kyle asked, razored with impatience.

"I'd like to see you try!" Ike grinned.

Kyle chuckled and rolled his eyes, watching Ike jog up the stairs like he was actually worried about Kyle carrying out his threat.

"Do you really have a Pina Colada recipe, Kenny?" Luke asked.

"Yeah, he does," Stan replied, wrinkling his nose. "It's disgusting."

"Disgusting? At Token's tropical sweet sixteen party nobody could get enough of it!"

"So what's in it?"

"Rum, double cream, vodka-"

"Double cream?" Luke cut in, brow creased. "Vodka? In a Pina Colada?"

"It gets worse," Kyle warned.

"And orange juice," Kenny finished, smiling at his own creation.

"I thought Pina Coladas were meant to have pineapple juice in them?" Luke asked.

" _And_  coconut... something..." Stan added, rolling his eyes before sipping at his beer.

"Hey, I work with what I have!" Kenny retorted.

A brisk, hard knock at the door interrupted their conversation, butting into it in the way only Eric could. Kyle gulped, body stiffening. He had expected Eric's arrival, had been waiting for it, but he still didn't feel ready for it. He doubted he ever would. The conversation continued without him, but Kyle noticed Luke watching him with weary eyes as he made his way to the door. He took a quiet breath before opening it, but surprise seized his chest when he saw that Eric wasn't alone. Stood beside him was the most ridiculously handsome guy Kyle had ever seen. He would've smiled, if the unease and irritation warring inside him would allow it.

"Hey!" Eric grinned. More bragging than bubbly... and looking cuter than ever.

The corner of Kyle's mouth twitched as he fought to clench his jaw.

"Hey, um..." Kyle faltered, hating how patiently Eric and his... whoever he was... were waiting for him to get his words out. He took a shaky breath and tried to smile. "Who's this?"

"Oh, I'm Jeremy." The guy smiled, extending his hand to shake.

Even his arm was handsome. Lean, and tanned, and with a perfectly sculpted bicep bulging against the sleeve of his t-shirt. Kyle suddenly felt inadequate with his pale skin, and his abused fingernails ruined by this stressful week. This sudden insecurity swelling inside him was frightening, so he snapped out of it and returned the handshake. Short and firm, anything to get it over with.

"Kyle." He forced his smile. "Nice to meet you."

"Yeah, you too." Jeremy nodded, letting go of Kyle's hand and rubbing his palms on his jeans.

Kyle flushed immediately, noticed his hands prickling with sweat. But how could they not? When he was taken so off-guard? When relaxation had pretty much eluded him tonight? Besides, who the fuck did this Jeremy guy think he was? Wiping Kyle's handshake away like he had cooties? Like he couldn't bear to touch people who weren't impossibly perfect? Kyle turned his stare to Eric for an explanation, harnessing his old power of being able to communicate with him with his eyes alone.

"Oh, Jeremy's my boyfriend," Eric replied, a smug smile stretched across his face to breaking point. He kept his eyes on Kyle, but linked arms with Jeremy and pulled him closer.

"Boyfriend?" Kyle asked. The shock ringing in his ears seemed to drown out his voice.

"Yeah, it's all happened really quickly, but I just thought I'd introduce him to everyone tonight," Eric said with a shrug, although his relentless stare challenged Kyle to do something about it.

Kyle wouldn't bow to it. No matter how much he wanted to slam the door in their faces and lock it. Instead, he nodded. It steadied him a little.

"Oh, that's great, umm..."

Eric arched an eyebrow at him.

"Do you think you could finish that thought before we freeze to death out here?"

The question ignited Kyle's anger, snapped him out of his haze. But whereas before he would've retorted to Eric's obnoxious, smartass comments, or disarmed them with a scowl, instead he shrank. He felt as though Jeremy and Eric were united against him, and it was humiliating.

"Shit, sorry, c-c-come in..." he replied, standing aside to let them in and avoiding their eyes.

"Thanks," Jeremy said with a nod.

Kyle shut the door slowly once they were both inside. The house was full, but Kyle felt empty. He remained with his back to his friends, not trusting himself to face them. He didn't want them to see him so disorientated, especially Eric. Their conversation hit Kyle like relentless, stormy waves battering a boat abandoned at sea. Jeremy making his introductions, Eric showing him off like a gleaming sports car, or a pedigree show-dog, Stan and Kenny trying to be polite and welcoming. Kyle closed his eyes, and tried to ride it out.

"Kyle?"

He flinched at the sound of Luke's voice, and his gentle hand on his shoulder.

"Are you okay?" he asked, voice just above a whisper.

Kyle swallowed, forced himself to nod.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine..."

"Who is that?"

"Cartman's new boyfriend," Kyle replied, the words sounded wrong, like they shouldn't be uttered. "I didn't even know he was dating."

"Oh..." Luke whispered, before gripping Kyle's shoulder in an attempt at encouragement. He smiled. "Oh, well, let's go talk to him!"

Kyle nodded, though he would rather do anything else. He drifted behind Luke like a shy, reluctant child following a parent. Luke was waiting for Kyle's introduction, friendly smile poised at the ready.

"Um, Jeremy, this is my boyfriend, Luke," Kyle finally said. He was stil unable to meet Jeremy's eyes, and his shoulders were drawing up towards his ears.

"Nice to meet you, Luke." Jeremy smiled, shaking Luke's hand.

"Yeah, you too, Jeremy."

Luke returned the handshake, and Kyle watched, feeling nothing. His indifference alarmed him, and he hoped it wasn't noticeable. He avoided Eric's eyes, he was bound to see.

"You want a drink, dude?" Stan asked.

Jeremy smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, thank you, I'd love one."

Stan handed Jeremy a beer. Kyle swore he could feel Eric's eyes searching for him, but he would not be found.

"So... this is new," Kenny said with a smile. "How did you two meet?"

Eric and Jeremy had snaked their arms around each other's waists, huddled together almost shyly as if the story of how they met was too precious to share. Nausea, bitter and horrible, gripped Kyle's stomach.

"On Grindr," Eric replied, before gazing into Jeremy's eyes. "Yeah... we got talking, and there was an instant connection. We just seemed to hit it off."

"Yeah, Eric's a really special guy." Jeremy grinned, tearing his eyes away from Eric for a few seconds to address everyone.

Their wide smiles returned their gazes to each other however, fingers around their waists clutching each other tighter. Kyle could barely take it, accept it, and a voice not so spiteful and upset screamed at him that something wasn't right. He searched Stan and Kenny's faces, and saw confusion painted across their features too.

"Hey, shot glasses!" Eric exclaimed, pointing at the coffee table. "Were you guys gonna do shots?"

"Uhh..." Kyle looked to Stan and Kenny once more for back up. "Yeah, we were a little later."

"Come on, let's do them now!" Eric whined, tugging at Jeremy's shirt.

Luke looked at Kyle and shrugged.

"Okay, why not?"

Luke grabbed the bottle of tequila and poured shots for everyone, before he huffed, realising something.

"Oh crap, there aren't enough shot glasses-"

Jeremy waved Luke's concern off.

"That's okay-"

"You can share mine," Eric cut in, with a convincing grin.

"Alright, on the count of three," Luke said, as everyone picked up their glass. "One, two, three!"

Kyle threw his head back and squeezed his eyes shut with everyone else as he drank. He was glad for the scorch, the head rush, burning the sinking feeling in his chest, and washing away the unease festering in his mind. But sadly, it was only temporary. He watched Eric pour more tequila into his glass, and bring it to Jeremy's lips, and it all flooded back to him. Eric laughed, loud and delighted, as Jeremy tipped his head back and drank, the tequila disappearing from the glass and down his throat. He coughed and spluttered, and not even the reddening of his olive skin made him look any less handsome. Eric wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him closer to admire him more. Kyle studied their grins, and prickled all over.

* * *

Eric hadn't left Jeremy's side all evening, but it was Kyle he was shadowing. Wherever Kyle and Luke wandered off to in Token's large house, Eric was sure to cut Jeremy off mid-conversation, leading him by the wrist as they followed Kyle and keeping at an innocent enough distance from him. But Eric didn't have to worry too much about warranting suspicion, since Jeremy seemed eager to keep them engaged in enough conversation to make their coupling seem organic, and believable. Eric gladly answered his questions about college, gave sparse answers when quizzed about his family, and had to defend the integrity of his childhood stories when Jeremy just couldn't believe all the things that had happened to him and his friends. When Jeremy pointed out various party guests, Eric told them their names if he knew them at all. Eric waited for questions about Kyle - he was the sole reason they were here, after all - but they never came. Perhaps that was a good thing? Tonight was about action, not dwelling.

They were stood in Token's living room, close to the door leading out to the foyer, while Kyle and Luke sat on the sprawling corner couch. The Christmas tree in the centre of the room, glowing with strings of light and twinkling with tinsel illuminated his face perfectly. Frequently, Eric's gaze would snag on Kyle's lingering stare, and he would smirk with satisfaction whenever Kyle jolted, embarrassed by his voyeurism before ripping his stare away. That smirk would widen into a helpless grin when Eric noticed Luke stiffen beside him, confused and trying to smother his irritation by sipping at his drink. It was working. Eric and Jeremy looked effortlessly, enviously good together. Can't-peel-your-eyes-away good together. Eric almost bounced on his toes when he glanced at Kyle again, and clocked that delicious, forlorn stare, the shame that rushed through him like a lightning bolt.

"Did you see that?" Eric nearly squealed it. "Did you see Kyle looking at us?"

"Yeah, he's been staring all night." Jeremy nodded, milder but still smiling.

"Shit, this is... this is going way better than I even thought it would!" Eric grinned, although knew they couldn't keep this up all night. Rinse and repeat and hope for bigger results. No, they needed something explosive,  _cataclysmic_ , even. "But we need to up the ante..."

"How do we do that?"

"Umm..."

Eric saw Kyle nodding along to whatever Luke was talking about, but his eyes were firmly on him and Jeremy. It was an opportunity he had to seize. He held Jeremy's shoulders, repositioned him just so, and with a deep breath, smashed their lips together. Beneath the tight grip of his fingers Eric felt Jeremy stumble a little, but held him tighter until the scent of his shirt was surely under his fingernails. His lips felt numb, no doubt bruised, and it was hard to breathe, but Eric would keep his mouth on Jeremy for as long as he could. Thankfully, Eric was able to take in a thin, shaking breath when Jeremy parted his lips with his hot, flexible tongue. He grabbed the back of Eric's head and tugged at his hair, returning Eric's kiss and trying to match his ferocity. Eric couldn't call it passionate, or even enjoyable. He hadn't sought those things in Jeremy, after all. Still, it was good. Well-practiced, dirty, and Eric knew that Kyle's eyes weren't the only ones drawn to their wet, open-mouthed PDA.

Eyes squeezed shut, flickers of memory began to ignite. This kiss was the kind Eric would share with Kyle when their lips gravitated towards each other during sex. Kyle between his legs, losing each other in laboured, rapturous breaths, and their mouths would meet roughly, clumsily, but that didn't matter. It was another part of each other to savour. Or the kind of kiss they would pull each other into post-orgasm, sampling each other's plush, warm lips as their climaxes ebbed. But those kisses - none of their kisses, in fact - never felt this hollow, this cheap. They never felt  _wrong_. Despite the clandestine nature of their relationship, and the insecurities bubbling beneath the surface, Eric always felt as though he were doing something right. His resolve, his whole plan, splintered when he remembered all those precious times he had with Kyle. Memories he wouldn't tarnish or shatter for anything. Not even out of anger, jealousy, or an otherwise stellar plan to win back the guy he wanted most in the world.

He opened his eyes, and Kyle didn't even pretend to be embarrassed by the tears gleaming in his eyes, his mouth drawn into a tight scowl. Eric wished Kyle would look away, grant him some respite from the unbearable guilt welling up in his chest. Delight curdled into shame, into incredulous anger. What the fuck was he doing? This isn't what he wanted at all. He wanted Kyle, but wondered what more he had to do to get him. Destroy them both? He pulled away from Jeremy, and cringed at the thin string of saliva connecting their lips. He wanted to sever any connection between them, wiping his mouth. His hand was shaking as he did so.

Jeremy swallowed, and smoothed his shirt down.

"Wow, that was... effective?" he said with a dazed chuckle. His eyes had darkened. "Don't you think?"

Eric nodded, reeling. He looked at Kyle with apology in his eyes, but Kyle had turned his back on him. His head was down, and his shoulders raised, wounded and defeated. Eric never knew silence could hurt so much, could cut just as deep as the harshest, most condemning words.

Jeremy raked his gaze over Eric, and when he smirked his eyes lit up. He closed the gap between them, but Eric couldn't find it in him to react.

"Are you sure you don't want the full package?" Jeremy asked, reaching between Eric's legs and groping him.

The feeling of Jeremy's fingers squeezing at his crotch pulled him out of his rushing regret for a second.

"Yeah, I'm pretty fucking sure," he growled, batting his hand away.

He shoved past Jeremy before he could respond.

* * *

Gravity seemed to disappear when Eric pulled Jeremy into a kiss. The world fell beneath Kyle, and he seemed to be floating further away from the party, from Luke, from Eric and Jeremy into a lonely, dark space. He looked away before his tears could reveal themselves, sliding down his cheeks. Bowing his head, he squeezed his eyes shut. They burned, pricking more tears but he tried pinching his nose like Stan always did when he was frustrated. He hoped it would blot the image out, the anger, and hurt, and confusion out, but it didn't. The music, the mingling conversations, Luke's voice shrank in his mind to virtually nothing. They were drowned out by deafening insecurity, venomous jealousy.

Why the hell was he crying? Why did he care? He had moved on! Hadn't he? He was starting to wonder. Would he always react this way to the people Eric brought into his life? He thought of their first kiss that led to yet another sleepless night over Eric, and how terrified he was at the thought of not taking any chance he could with him. Having to live a life Eric was not a part of, watching Eric love somebody the way Kyle wanted to be loved by him, and pretending to be happy. It was almost as paralysing as the fear of giving into his attraction, taking a shot on somebody he was crazy about, even if his common sense had screamed at him that Eric was the wrong person to fall for. Why was it so hard? All of it. It never stopped being difficult, even when they were happy. What was wrong with them? Why couldn't they just let each other go? Why couldn't they just be happy, even without each other? Kyle hated every question. He didn't have the answers to any of them.

Luke's voice was drawing near, but Kyle couldn't make sense of what he was saying. It was just noise, no tangible words to latch onto. He felt a gentle hand at his shoulder, and it was too much. Gritting his teeth, he shrugged it away.

"What, Luke?!" he snapped. "What do you want?!"

In his anger, his breaths started to come faster. But his frustration melted at Luke's indignant frown, his surprised eyes gleaming with hurt. His breaths slowed, weighted with regret. If it was at all possible, Kyle felt even worse.

"God, I'm sorry..." he pleaded. "Luke, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you-"

"You know what, I don't know if I can take anymore of this!" Luke interrupted, voice sharp enough to tear Kyle's apology to shreds. "Whatever is going on with you, it doesn't give you the right to speak to me like that!"

Kyle sighed, drained, and he lowered his head again.

"I know, I know-"

"What the hell is the matter with you, Kyle?" Luke demanded, but the concern in his voice was hard to hide.

"Nothing! I..." Kyle's voice cracked, and he avoided Luke's eyes. He didn't want to cry, and he definitely didn't want Luke to see his tears fall.

Luke sighed, pitying and helpless. Despite Kyle's earlier rejection, he wasn't afraid to place his hand on Kyle's back and draw soothing shapes with his fingers. What did Kyle do to deserve him? He shuffled closer, leaned in close to Kyle so his soft voice could be heard over the music.

"Come on, what's wrong?"

Kyle could never tell him. He shook his head.

"It's just hard..." he replied, all he could manage.

"Huh? I don't understand... what's hard?"

Kyle didn't answer. He couldn't. He was too tired, too empty, too broken. This time in South Park had wrecked him. Luke's fingers fell away from his back.

"How about I get you something to drink?" he asked.

Kyle nodded, feeling brave enough to give Luke a grateful smile. Luke beamed, pleased and with a renewed enthusiasm to cheer Kyle up. He got up off the couch, and Kyle watched him walk away. At least he was feeling positive, when Kyle felt that things couldn't get any worse.


	10. Jealousy, Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm placing a major angst warning on this chapter. Is it wrong that I had a lot of fun writing this? Considering what I put these characters through? I'm also pretty nervous about it, so I hope you guys enjoy, and I'd love to hear your thoughts! And as always, thank you for reading!

Eric had been successfully avoiding Jeremy, and now had no clue where he was. Not that he cared, in fact, he was glad. Just thinking about him made him feel ashamed, angry, and behind his handsome features Eric could only see Kyle's eyes glimmering with disappointment, his scowl tightened by betrayal. He would have walked home by now, hands tucked in his pockets as he kicked through the relentless, building snow on the sidewalk. He would have collapsed into bed, but not before perhaps getting a little drunker first, so he could fall into a deep sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Anything to block out tonight. But he couldn't bear to leave. He felt awful, the plan was ruined, but he couldn't admit defeat. He couldn't walk away from his goals, from his dream, from Kyle. Even if a part of him knew that he was the last person Kyle wanted to be around right now, he still held out hope that Kyle wanted to find him, that Kyle still wanted  _him_  - despite everything. Buried deep inside him was a brittle hope that Kyle wasn't going to give up on him, and it inspired Eric to persevere.

The thing Eric wanted most in the world right now though was a piss, but it seemed like everybody at the damn party was stood outside Token's bathroom. Eric rolled his eyes and bit his tongue to stop himself from yelling at the groups of guys who huddled into the bathroom shifty and murmuring, hands poised at their pockets, as if they needed to fool anybody as to what they planned to do in there; or the armies of giggling girls, wielding lipstick and mascara. Surely Token's parents could afford more than one fucking bathroom in this gigantic house? Eric smiled, slipping away from the line and heading to Token's bedroom, remembering from his short stay there as a kid that Token definitely had an en suite bathroom.

Gone was the kick-ass race car bed Eric was jealous of as a child, but the bass guitar that Eric helped Token discover he could play was gleaming and propped on a stand in the corner of the room, and the one half of the matching teddy bears Eric had surreptitiously gifted to Token and Nichole was still sat on one of the shelves. Eric realised then, that Token owed him a lot. The least of which was a chance to use his bathroom, even if it meant invading his privacy a little.

Opening the bathroom door he soon discovered he was not the only one privy to the existence of the en suite bathroom. Of course Clyde, his best friend, would know about the bathroom, but Jeremy didn't even know Token. Nonetheless, there he was on his knees, head bobbing up and down, lips wrapped around Clyde's dick. His fingers were clutching Jeremy's immaculately gelled hair until his knuckles paled white. The audacity, and the sheer stupidity of the shitheads in front of him made Eric want to scream. So he did.

"What the fuck?!"

Eric's voice pulled Clyde out of his lusty stupor, his eyes fluttering open. A horrible, strangled cry escaped his mouth as he pulled Jeremy off his dick with a small, wet pop. Eric cringed.

"Cartman!" Clyde squeaked. "Dude, I am so sorry! I'm so fucking sorry! Oh shit... " he fretted, realising his dick was still out. He fixed his pants with shaking hands.

Jeremy looked over his shoulder, with no alarm in his eyes, but apology. He wiped his mouth. Eric's gaze bore into him, trying to root out that apology in his eyes. But Clyde was still babbling.

"I-I-I know you're probably pissed at me right now, but dude, I am begging you, do not say anything to Bebe! Please, Cartman-"

"As if I fucking give a shit, Donovan!" He snapped, seething, before returning his attention to Jeremy. "You! Get up  _now_!"

Jeremy wasn't even standing up fully, before Eric yanked at his arm and dragged him out of the bathroom.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

Jeremy wrestled his arm out of Eric's grip.

"Hey!" he snapped. When Eric looked back, Jeremy was seething too. His eyes were lit wildly with indignation. "I have no idea why you're getting so pissed off when you've been avoiding me ever since we kissed! Even though it was  _your_ idea-"

"Well, not all my ideas are fucking golden, and you're a perfect fucking example!" Eric said, storming out of Token's room and quite content to leave Jeremy there. He could finish the job, for all he fucking cared.

He heard Jeremy scoff behind him, and he followed him down the hallway. Eric wished he could swat him away like an annoying, buzzing little fly.

"As far as I was concerned, the job was finished!" Jeremy argued as they descended the stairs, which felt like an obstacle course with all the people crowding it. "And when I'm off the clock I can blow whoever I want!"

Eric turned to him, sneering as they reached the bottom.

"Yeah, right, as if you didn't give Donovan a good price for sucking him off!"

"I didn't!" Jeremy replied, voice straining. As if he knew frustration wasn't a good look on him, he tried to fix a smile, tried to put out the enraged fire in his eyes so they could smoulder again. "You know, it's a shame you decided to end this when you did. I got a thing for chubby guys..."

Jeremy tried to sidle up to him, reach his hand out, but Eric pushed it away.

"I wouldn't go near your dick even if you fucking bleached it, douchebag," Eric said through gritted teeth, glowering.

Then, like a warm, welcoming light of salvation in the dark, Eric noticed Kyle at the far end of the room. He held two drinks in hand, stood by the entrance to the kitchen. It should've been a light Eric ran to, but he couldn't let Kyle see him like this. Still, Eric could detect no judgement on Kyle's face, only concern, and mercy. They held their gazes for far too long. It was becoming more and more tempting then, for Eric to abandon this ruined mission and run to Kyle's arms. But would he hold him? Would he catch him? Or would he let him fall again? Eric couldn't survive another devastating crash. He would surely shatter this time.

Kyle mouthed, "are you okay?"

Gritting his teeth, mouth pulling into a frown, Eric shook his head.

"Come on..." he muttered, grabbing Jeremy's wrist and pulling him outside.

This wasn't over yet.

* * *

_The morning of Kyle's eighteenth birthday had been as joyous as any of his other birthdays. He had awoken to a flurry of congratulatory texts, and messages on social media, and his family singing 'happy birthday' to him at the bottom of the stairs. His mom had made him pancakes, and they all sat down as a family to watch Kyle open his presents. Tickets to a Nuggets game, sneakers that wouldn't remain box fresh for long, and a lot of money in cards from relatives who didn't know Kyle that well, and panicked at the thought of buying presents for a teenager. Although he supposed he wasn't a teenager anymore, technically he was an adult. It seemed to be a label he had been dreaming of for years, but one he didn't feel quite ready for. Independence, responsibility, it all seemed so exhilarating and terrifying. He would be moving out in a couple of months, heading off to college. There was a lot he was glad to leave behind, like pricks he had known since kindergarten, exasperating adults, and a stifling familiarity. Still, there was a lot he would miss. The comfort of his bedroom, the warmth of his family, seeing Stan and Kenny every day, and of course, Eric. He had no idea what would happen to them once the summer was over. Would they break up for college or try to make it work long-distance? It stung Kyle's heart to think about it for too long. Remaining undecided was a nice salve, but one that would run out soon. Too soon, in fact._

_Only Kyle and his mom remained in the living room now. His dad had gone to work, and Ike was getting ready for school. A knock at the door interrupted the content, lazy morning._

_"Stay there, bubbe, I'll get it!" his mom said, rushing to the door before Kyle could protest._

_He accepted with a smile that she wasn't going to let him do anything for himself today, if she could help it. He always felt loved by his mom, but never spoiled. She wasn't a big believer in that. Birthdays were the only times she would ever indulge Kyle and Ike. He tore open the envelope of a card from another distant relative, and was unsurprised to find the card bulging with more cash than usual. It was a milestone birthday, he supposed._

_"Hello, Eric!"_

_Kyle paused, his attention clinging to his boyfriend's name like a child clinging to the belief of an extraordinary, magical being._

_"Hi, Mrs Broflovski," Eric replied, shyer than usual. He usually laid on the charm thick with his mom, but he was more subdued today. When Kyle looked at him, he noticed he was almost sheepish. "I, uh, just came over to give Kyle his present."_

_Eric's gaze snagged on Kyle's own fixed stare. He smiled, secretive and brimming with anticipation. Kyle felt the heat crawl up his neck and behind his ears, returning the smile._

_"Oh, yes! Come in, dear!" his mom replied. Kyle had never seen his mom so eager to invite Eric in._

_Kyle stood up as Eric approached him, smoothing down his wrinkled pyjamas, and realising he hadn't brushed his hair or washed his face yet. He smothered a frown, telling himself it didn't matter, that Eric didn't care. He was certainly smiling at Kyle as though no hair was out of place, like he was the most beautiful person Eric had seen._

_"Hey," he said softly, before clearing his throat. "Happy birthday!"_

_"Thanks," Kyle replied, still smiling. "What are you doing here? I was gonna pick you up-"_

_"I know, but..." Eric fiddled with the present in his hand. Wrapped in shiny, bright wrapping paper, Kyle was only now noticing it. "I really wanted you to have your present, and I couldn't wait any longer."_

_They both laughed at Eric's impatience. At times like this it could be endearing, Kyle guessed._

_"Really?" Kyle found himself giving the hem of his shirt a soft tug. "That's so sweet."_

_Without a word, only a shy, tight smile, Eric handed Kyle his present._

_"Thank you..." he murmured, biting his lip as he tried to figure out what could be beneath the wrapping paper._

_Kyle returned to the couch to open his present, and Eric sat beside him. His presence was warm, and one that Kyle readily welcomed. He tore off the emerald paper, revealing a plastic container full of small, golden pastries with tiny chocolate folds. Chocolate rugelach, like his grandma used to make. The most unlikely, wonderful surprise, coming from the most unlikely, wonderful person. Although when Eric's heartfelt gestures could always be so unpredictable, maybe it wasn't such a surprise at all? Nostalgia, and fondness, and gratitude stirred in Kyle's chest, gathering words he was too stunned to say._

_"You like it, right?" Eric asked._

_"I... I love it!" Kyle said, with a giddy, disbelieving laugh. "Thank you! This is..." he turned to Eric, who was flushed with triumph. "H-h-how did you know how to make these?"_

_Eric shrugged, gaze wandering the couch cushions._

_"Well, I wanted to make you something, so I talked to your mom and she said that you loved these." He gave Kyle's mom a grateful grin. "And she was kind enough to lend me the family recipe."_

_Kyle tried to speak, before looking over his shoulder at his mom, to confirm that this was really happening. His mom's delighted smile and gleaming eyes said it all. Eric and his mom working together? This was shaping up to be one of the most bizarre birthdays of his life. Well, maybe not as bizarre as the Casa Bonita incident, which was also Eric's doing. And now he was responsible for possibly one of Kyle's best birthdays as well?_

_"Wow...thanks, mom," Kyle whispered, before his voice could crack. "That's really cool of you."_

_"You're welcome, bubbe," she replied, beaming._

_It was hard for Kyle to look at Eric without wanting to throw his arms around him, to bring him to his lips. He didn't want to deny himself that. It was his birthday, after all._

_"Do you wanna eat these in my room?"_

_"Sure." Eric smiled, nodding._

_With a pleased grin, Kyle got up off the sofa and jogged up the stairs, with Eric right behind him._

_"Bubbe, you'll need to start getting ready for school soon!" his mom called from the bottom step._

_"Okay, ma!" Kyle replied, and heard Eric chuckle._

_Once they reached Kyle's room, they sat cross-legged on his bed. They faced each other, and Kyle had the tub of rugelach in his lap. Removing the lid, the sweet, crisp smell floated into his nostrils and took him back to that faded, fond kitchen he remembered from childhood._

_"You try the first one," Eric said softly, but yearning for Kyle's verdict._

_"Alright..." Kyle smiled, reaching for one and biting into it._

_It was just as lovely as his grandma used to make, as his mom used to make before grandma passed away and baking them became too painful. The soothing chocolate melted in his mouth like the sweetest medicine, tasting of memory and comfort. Kyle's eyes couldn't help but slip shut._

_"It's good?" Eric asked._

_When Kyle opened his eyes, Eric was almost giddy with anticipation._

_"It's delicious!" he replied. "Have some!"_

_Eric's smile softened with relief, and he reached for one._

_"These things remind me so much of my grandma," Kyle said, as he picked up another. "Whenever we visited she would make them. It was one of the things I looked forward to the most." He sighed. "I wish I could eat them more often..."_

_"I'll bake them for you every week, if you want."_

_Kyle looked up from the rugelach, can't quite believing how lucky he was to have someone who would happily make his favourite dessert every week for him. Eric had pinked again, as though he was still figuring out how to fit into the doting boyfriend role, but still relishing it whenever he could._

_"Then that would make you the best boyfriend ever." Kyle grinned._

_"Well, I'm trying..." Eric murmured, reaching for another rugelach._

_They exchanged smirks and continued eating._

_"Hey, uh..." Eric's voice drifted off, and he cleared his throat. "Did you know that the possible translation of rugelach is 'little twists?'"_

_Kyle stopped chewing. He met Eric's eyes, and a smile of pure surprise and delight stretched across his face._

_"No, I didn't!" he grinned. "That's so cool, Eric! Did my mom tell you that?"_

_Eric ducked his head, suddenly bashful._

_"No, I looked it up myself..." he replied._

_Kyle nearly choked. As he coughed and spluttered and tried to compose himself, he noticed Eric's smile had faded into something a little more earnest. It was the most modest Kyle had ever seen him. Eric's eyes were brimming with thoughts, with admissions, with revelations, and Kyle didn't want to speak, didn't want to interrupt. It was hard though, to watch Eric fidget, to watch his brow crease as he struggled with the words. Kyle's breath slowed as he waited for them._

_"I know this is like... fourteen years too late but, I'm really sorry that I was so ignorant about your faith, Kyle." Eric's gaze was piercing, and the words seeped into Kyle's skin, travelled through every vein and artery. His eyes and nose stung, his heart prickled. "I think of all the stuff I believed, and thought..." Eric closed his eyes, grimacing when he swallowed the bitter pill of the past. "I... I-I think of all the stuff I said to you, and called you, and it sticks in my fucking chest, you know?" He opened his eyes, they were gleaming. "All that shame, and embarrassment, and guilt. I regret a lot of fucked up shit that I did as a kid, but none of that stuff hurts me as much as this does. All that other stuff, it doesn't repeat itself like a... reoccurring bad dream. I know I can't go back in time and take it all away. I know I can't change the person I was back then, but I can change who I am now, right?"_

_Eric asked it like he wasn't sure, like he was worried it wasn't possible. Kyle had to reassure him that it was. He nodded, speechless._

_Eric's mouth quivered, relieved, but he didn't smile._

_"I don't wanna be ignorant anymore, Kyle. You deserve more than that. You deserve better." He let himself smile then. It made Kyle smile too. "I'm gonna take an interest, and I'm gonna learn-"_

_"Really?" Kyle whispered, before he could stop it. The tears were burning his eyes now, clouding his vision._

_"Of course I am." Eric smiled, wide and glowing, with the confidence Kyle had always adored. It didn't diminish the earnestness in his eyes, the deep, painful honesty etched on his face. "I wanna know everything about you."_

_Kyle almost clutched his chest when he felt a sudden, visceral sensation in his solar plexus. Never had being so overwhelmed affected him quite so physically. Then again, never did he think he would hear Eric apologise for his past behaviour, or realise just how much he needed to hear it. Eric had changed in so many subtle ways for the better, and there was nothing subtle in the awe and pride Kyle took in that change. But this was unprecedented, unexpected, and yet also what Kyle had been waiting for all along._

_It was hard to resist the tears, no matter how much he wanted to. He bowed his head, not wanting Eric to see him upset, but still a few trailed down his cheeks. Holding back his sobs only released quiet, shattered breaths, his body shuddering as he rode them out. Of course Eric would notice. He didn't look up when Eric leaned forward, although his warmth was as tempting to cosy up to as a homely fireplace, his scent as tempting to inhale as the first of a favourite flower blossoming in spring._

_"Kyle?" he whispered, resting his hand on his knee. His eyes tried to find Kyle's watery gaze. "Are you okay?"_

_He wasn't just okay, he was overjoyed. He lifted his head, revealing his blotchy face. Hs tears ran freely as he nodded. Setting the rugelach aside he threw his arms around Eric's shoulders. Eric brought him closer when Kyle started to sob into his neck._

_"Hey, it's alright." Eric soothed, rubbing Kyle's back. "It's alright..."_

_Although his fingers were clawing into his shirt, and clutching his hair, and even though his lips, and nose were brushing against his skin, and his tears were wetting his neck, Kyle wanted to be closer still. He climbed into Eric's lap, and wrapped his legs around Eric's waist. They rocked a little, finding their balance, but they soon hold each other steady, wrapped up in each other's arms. Eric was even lounging his head on Kyle's shoulder now, inhaling the smell of his shirt just as Kyle inhaled the scent of his skin._

_Eventually, sniffling, Kyle lifted his head. His face was flushed from the warmth of his tears, his own skin, and Eric's skin too. Eric, beaming, wiped the tears from Kyle's cheeks._

_"Thank you," Kyle whispered, cupping Eric's face with both hands. "For everything."_

_Their lips met in a firm, deep kiss._

* * *

Kyle watched Eric shake his head, glowering, and before Kyle could cross the room to him, try to diffuse the argument about to erupt, Eric was out the door. He had grabbed Jeremy's wrist and tugged him into the backyard. Kyle had no idea what they could be fighting about, but he winced at the thought of raised voices, and bared teeth, and eyes glittering with tears. He thought of Eric, alone and upset, and even if it wasn't his place anymore, he wanted to be there to comfort him. He knew he was capable of hurting Eric, and over the course of this fractious week had dished out his not so fair share of disappointment and frustration. But he never felt good about it. How could anybody take pleasure in hurting somebody they cared about? The memory of his kiss with Eric, heavy with guilt, had threatened to crush him all week. Before he could rush to the backyard, he remembered the drinks in his hand, and Luke waiting for him.

He found Luke in the living room, deep in conversation with Butters. They read each other's lips above the loud, thumping music. Kyle tapped Luke's shoulder.

"Hey, can you take these while I go to the bathroom?"

"Sure, no problem," Luke replied, taking the drinks, stiff and still smarting from their earlier argument. They both were, despite their efforts to put it behind them, despite forcing themselves to have a good night.

"Thanks..." he murmured.

Kyle rushed out of the living room, navigated his way through the crowds in the hallway, and slipped into the backyard. Eric and Jeremy were stood further down the lawn, as if for once in his life Eric didn't want any attention drawn to him. Still, it wasn't working. Although they were half-concealed in the shadows, their raised, angry voices carried across the backyard. Kyle flinched, feet frozen to the patio like he was becoming another piece of garden furniture. Intervening now would be like running into oncoming traffic, there would only be more damage. He would wait until the argument came to a natural conclusion. Hopefully, he could get Eric alone.

"You know, I actually thought you had a brain in that pretty little head of yours, but clearly not if you just go around blowing random guys when you're supposed to be with me!"

Kyle blinked, an uncomfortable warmth rising on his cheeks in the cold, night air. He definitely wasn't going to get involved yet.

"Doing what though?!" Jeremy retorted. "I have no idea what the fuck you want from me anymore! One minute you're all over me, and then the next you're ignoring me, and ditching me in a house full of strangers!"

"Well, I thought you would be used to spending the night with strangers..." Eric remarked, a little quieter but Kyle still heard him... he guessed. What did Eric mean? He watched him fold his arms.

"Hey, cool it with the fucking judgements, alright?!" Jeremy snapped, and something stony and protective stirred in Kyle when he pointed a warning finger at Eric. "I make good money doing what I do, and I don't have a problem with it! You're the one with a fucking problem if you're so hung up on a guy, that you need to hire an escort to pretend to be your boyfriend so you can win him back!"

The words tore at Kyle like a bullet, a blade. It stole his breath and grasped his heart but he didn't bleed. Instead, he was filling up with shock, and anger, and disappointment, and betrayal. They warred inside him, grappled for every part of him, and they flooded his lungs until he felt like he was drowning, suffocating. He clutched his stomach, leaping with nausea. He willed himself to vomit, to get rid of these poisonous feelings.

"You can call it 'unorthodox', or whatever, but it's just pathetic, man!  _You're_  pathetic! And you wonder why be broke up with you-"

"Hey!" Eric snapped, shoving Jeremy. "Don't talk about me and Kyle like you know what happened between us! You don't know shit!"

Kyle didn't vomit. He seemed to be releasing all that combustible, asphyxiating emotion into tears that scorched his eyes and stung his nose. But how pathetic would that be? Sobbing alone as he watched his ex-boyfriend argue with - what transpired to be - his fake rebound? Discovering that his worst fears had been confirmed? That he had been tricked and lied to, and instead of confronting those lies and deceptions, instead of doing anything about it at all, he just stood there and cried? Kyle whimpered, gathered a huge, fortifying breath, and before he could think of a better idea, stormed over to Eric. He swept up all his rage, and hurt, and confirmed suspicions like a hurricane sweeping up houses and trees.

"I knew it!" he screamed. "I fucking knew it!"

As soon as he was close enough he shoved Eric, hard enough to make him stumble. The flash of bewilderment, the sting of his actions, slid off Kyle like a storm battering a window.

"What the fuck, Kyle?!" he demanded, sharp with incredulity.

Kyle didn't feel bad. He could see Eric shaking.

"I knew something was up!" he seethed. "I knew it!"

"Kyle, what are you talking about?"

Kyle scoffed, trembling now too with angry adrenaline.

"Please, Eric, I'm not buying your little innocent act anymore! I never have! I heard everything you guys just said! You've been trying to break me and Luke up the moment he got here!"

The silence was a miasma they were all choking on. Insidious, and large, and undeniable. Kyle stared hard at Eric instead of screaming, he didn't know where to begin. How could he do this to him? They reflected each other. Flushed, shocked, seething, and wounded.

"I think I'm gonna go..." Jeremy spoke up, already edging away.

Kyle could have forgotten he was there. Why hadn't he left already?

"Yeah, I think you should," he replied, sneering.

Jeremy pursed his lips, raising his hands before walking away. The silence persisted. Kyle could hear Jeremy's feet against the grass and the party behind them. He wondered how long it would last. His body began to tremor with the force of all the words he wanted to hurl at Eric.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Eric?!" he yelled. "You've ruined my night, ruined my winter break... do you wanna fucking ruin my life too? Huh? Is that the end goal? Y-y-you sabotage my dates with Luke, you create a fake relationship just to make me jealous, for what?! To wear me down, so you can have me all to yourself?! That's fucking sick!"

Eric had been wincing at Kyle's words, but a rueful smile tugged at his lips when he mentioned Jeremy. He laughed, mean and caustic.

"Kyle, come on, we're both faking," he replied. "You're doing the same thing with Luke, as I did with Jeremy, but the only difference is that you didn't have to pay for the privilege."

"What Luke and I have is real, alright?" Kyle snapped. It was easy to say, he had rehearsed it so many times. "I like him a lot, and I care about him! I didn't ask Luke out, and bring him here, just to make you jealous!"

"No, but this supposedly great thing that you and Luke have doesn't even fucking compare to us!" Eric argued, voice straining with frustration. His eyes shone, pleading. "You can't stand here and tell me that Luke makes you feel the way I do! And that's because he ticks all the 'right' boxes but you don't fucking want him! It's obvious! So this fucking...  _joke_  of a relationship is just as fake as me hiring a fucking escort as my date!"

"Yeah, except I actually fucking like my boyfriend! Nothing you can say or do will change that!"

"You only like him because you think he's who you're supposed to be with! But he's not!" Eric's face was creased with exhaustion. "What you and I have is so much better, and you know it!"

Kyle wanted to argue, but he couldn't. Eric's words had filed all the things Kyle told himself, all the things he wanted to believe, to tiny, insignificant stubs. His armour had been dismantled, and now he was exposed in front of the guy who knew him inside out. He was a fraud, he'd been conning everyone. His friends, his family, Luke, even himself. He thought he could con Eric too. But with every word he spoke Eric was unravelling his con, figuring him out. Kyle could hardly believe how much he had kidded himself.

"For someone who considers themselves so enlightened, you care way too much about what other people think, Kyle," he continued. "That's the only reason you kept me your dirty little secret-."

Kyle shook his head, grimacing at the foul tasting truth.

"No..." he whispered. "No, it wasn't that-"

"You're embarrassed by me!" Eric cut in. "You're ashamed of us! Because people like us aren't meant to be together! But we wound up together so how exactly do you explain that, huh? No matter how happy I made you, you hate that you feel this way about me!" He sighed, shoulders dropping. "I know I'm so fucking undeserving of you, Kyle. But it doesn't stop me wanting you. I couldn't stop, even if I tried, and believe me, I tried. You have no idea how much I've fucking missed you, Kyle. I've been miserable ever since we broke up-"

"Then why didn't you say something?" Kyle asked, finding his nerve again. "Why didn't you tell me that? You... you said you wanted to break up too!"

"I lied!" Eric laughed, like it was so obvious. But his voice was strained, cracking with tears. "When you said it would make things easier I wanted to believe you! I thought..." he shook his head. "I thought it would make you happy. Every single day we were together all I wanted was to make you happy! You're everything to me, and despite all the shit you've put me through, I still think you're fucking perfect! And I've never felt good enough! I kept trying to be better, because you said you wanted to try to love me-"

"Stop it!" Kyle cried. He couldn't take anymore. "Just shut the fuck up! You can't keep doing these things, Eric! You can't suddenly decide to tell me all this now as a way to explain yourself! Did you really think all of this would make me wanna go back to you? It doesn't! Y-y-you can't control people! You can't get what you want all the time! People are allowed to say 'no' to you, and you've just gotta fucking accept that! And you especially can't destroy other people to get what you want! If you keep doing that... " he shook his head. "You'll never achieve anything! I... I'm sorry that you never felt good enough. I never wanted you to feel that way. But if you wanted to me to love you... this is the wrong way to do it."

Kyle waited for Eric's defiant retort, his scathing rebuttal. He waited for his grand, earnest vow that he would never rest until Kyle changed his mind, until he fell in love with him. He waited for some reckless, passionate gesture that Kyle would call playing dirty, but would be effective nonetheless. Sweeping him up in a deep, crushing kiss; storming back into the house, finding Luke and revealing everything to him; hell, getting down on one fucking knee and proposing to him. But he didn't do any of those things. He just nodded, shattered, with sparkling tears brimming in his eyes.

"Yeah, I'm starting to realise that now," he said, trying to smile. He became serious again. "You know what? I'm done..."

Kyle blinked, the words echoed in his mind but refused to sink in. Unlike his heart, which was plummeting in his chest.

"Huh? Wh... what do you mean, you're done?" Kyle asked, voice growing bitter.

"I'm done." Eric shrugged, cruel. "I've been making a fool of myself trying to get you back, and it's exhausting. I'm tired of trying to get you, to win you over..." he looked into Kyle's eyes and softened again, earnest and broken. "I'm tired of trying to make you love me like I love you. You're right, it's not fair. To either of us."

Kyle was reeling, barely comprehending what was happening. He thought letting Eric go was the hardest thing he had ever done. He never anticipated just how painful it would be to let go of himself. But this was what he wanted, right? Why he broke up with Eric in the first place? He could see himself falling too deep with Eric, hurtling towards a future where he would be left humiliated and heartbroken. He had to put an end to it when he did, he had to move on. He had to get out. But is this what freedom was supposed to feel like? Why was he so desperate to escape when it felt so awful? He nodded, biting the inside of his cheek until it was sure to bleed. Anything to stop himself from sobbing.

"Okay..." he said, gulping down his watery words. "Fine..."

Eric nodded slowly in return. He tucked his hands into his pants' pockets and walked away. Kyle didn't say anything as he did, nor did he watch him walk away. He was frozen again, emptied of everything he thought he knew. Hollowed out, now that Eric was walking away from him for good. Only one little scrap of something was left, chirping like a bird in his chest.

A command.

A plea.

A hope.

_Please don't do this._

He looked over his shoulder, his lips parted to speak, but Eric was gone. The empty garden blurred as a fresh round of tears sprung in his eyes. Kyle gritted his teeth, hating how much he had cried tonight. He buried his head in his hands and let himself sob. He then moved his hands into his hair, clutched his curls, and screamed.

* * *

 _Kyle is taking books out of his locker, with Eric by his side. A typical morning, but something feels different. The shiny floor feels fluffy beneath his feet, the classrooms, the students, the rows of lockers are watercolour smudges. In fact, Kyle's head feels like it's submerged in cotton candy, sugary and fake. Pleasant, nonetheless. He can't hear anything, see anything... except Eric. He's piercing light, splintering the edges, coming into focus. He's all Kyle wants to see, hear, smell, feel. His scent teases Kyle's nose, his body heat warms his skin. He's vivid, and beautiful, and right. He outshines all of Kyle's doubts. He's free to feel everything for Eric now. He wants to kiss him. Not in a desperate, surging way. Not in a way that impacts anything other than this feeling glowing in his chest. It's an instinct. Natural, peaceful..._ right _. For the first time, Kyle feels safe to do this in front of everyone. Who cares if they see? They're insignificant. Background figures in a painting._

_He reaches over and just like that their lips brush together, like aimless stars drifting through space. There's a familiar pressure, soft and warm. When they part, Eric is smiling, wide and content, but also like he expected the impromptu kiss._

_Kyle mirrors his smile._

_"I love you."_

_Kyle had spoken the words softly, but still they echo. Crisp and clear, those watercolour figures turn their heads like plants leaning towards the sun. Eric stares at Kyle for so long that it starts to make him feel uncomfortable. Control is fading fast, the longer his words are out in the world. Eric's face contorts. His smile broadens with malice, his eyes darken. He laughs manically, and the noise stabs at Kyle's heart. He winces, shrinks._

_The laughs amplify. Suddenly, those watercolour figures are invading their tiny, ruined paradise. Features erupt on their expressionless faces. Mouths open wide as their cackles pour out, eyes glinting with twisted glee, well-worn laughter lines etched on their skin. They look familiar. People Kyle sits next to in class, has known since he was in kindergarten. He flinches, tries to shield himself from their laughter._

_"Ha! Can you fucking believe it, guys?" Eric exclaims. His eyes are watering. "He actually fell for it! I knew I could pull it off!"_

_"Wh... what are you talking about?" Kyle asks. He doesn't know if he's strong enough to handle the answer._

_Eric ignores him. He's not even looking at Kyle now. He's addressing his audience, and they're going wild._

_"Alright, whoever put money on this, get your wallets out now!"_

_"Eric, what the hell is going on?!" Kyle cries. He deserves an explanation._

_Eric sneers, and leans in closer. He's right in Kyle's face._

_"It was a fucking joke, babe!" He grins, as if it was obvious. "All of it! The dates, the kisses, the feelings, all that crap... It was fake! Total bullshit! I just wanted to see how much you would buy it! I honestly thought you would've bailed by now. But you just kept letting me string you along, and now you love me? How fucking stupid are you?!"_

_He turns to the crowd to ask this. They laugh in uproarious agreement._

_Kyle wants to sob, but the tears won't come out. There's the dull ache in his chest, the burning lump in his throat that he can't swallow, but he can't produce any tears. Still, he has to do something._

_"How the hell could you do this to me?!" he screams._

_He charges at Eric, tries to push him, but Eric is one step ahead of him. He moves away, and Kyle lands flat on his face. It doesn't hurt. Kyle would be numb to it anyway. The laughter is like a crippling storm now, and when Kyle raises his head he sees that even Stan and Kenny are laughing at him. No pity, no concern. Their laughter rings with 'I told you so.' He's all alone. He's at Eric's feet, and he's standing taller than Kyle has ever known him. He's looking at him as though he prefers Kyle this low to the ground, as if it's where he belongs. What he deserves, for being tricked so thoroughly._

_"Aww, did you really think I would change, Kyle?" he teases. "That you could change me? Did you really think I cared about you? Sorry if I hurt your feelings, but one day you'll realise I taught you a valuable lesson. Trust your head, not your heart.." he bends over, to make sure Kyle hears what he has to say next. "And definitely do not trust me."_

_Kyle can't speak. He can't move. It feels like he's going to be lying there forever, defeated, and weak, and powerless. His heart starts to pound in his chest at the realisation. They'll never leave him alone. He'll never get over this. He'll never recover from Eric humiliating him and breaking his heart. It's beating so fast now that Kyle worries it might shatter. It's getting harder to breathe, and they won't go away. These people taking so much delight in his misery. But Eric is gone, and Kyle somehow knows he's gone forever. And it's sick and it's illogical, but Kyle wants him back. But how can he inflict this pain on himself, over and over again? Is it worth it? He can't do it. He can't let this happen. He can't he can't he can't-_

_Kyle woke up gasping for breath. His t-shirt, damp with sweat, clung to his back. His heart wasn't shattered, but was still hammering away at his chest. The sounds of his panting and his rapid heartbeat filled his quiet bedroom, and he grasped the sheets beneath him with shaking fingers to remind himself this was reality. He was free from that horrible, horrible nightmare. He sighed, one big lovely, calming breath._

_The dream still stirred in him though. He had told Eric he loved him. He had never said that aloud. Before the dream he wasn't entirely sure he did love Eric yet. Of course he was attracted to him, cared about him, loved every moment spent with him... but he thought he wasn't brave enough to love him yet. Maybe he wasn't, if it led to such terrifying dreams? But before all the horror, the words had rolled off Kyle's tongue with ease. He had wanted Eric to know. But Eric's reaction was what Kyle had feared all along. Was this real? Was Eric genuine? How completely could Kyle trust him? Or was he setting himself up for broken trust, and a broken heart? He had tried to write these off as rational, the side-effect of increasingly growing feelings. But in his subconscious they were growing like weeds. Kyle didn't believe in psychics, but he couldn't deny the air of premonition in his dream._

_Kyle wouldn't sleep until he knew for sure. He picked up his phone, wanting to call Eric, to hear his voice and his reassurances. But he couldn't do it. He placed his phone back on his nightstand, and threw the covers over himself just like he did when he woke up from a nightmare as a kid. He laid wake awake all night, wondering what the hell he was supposed to do now._

* * *

Kyle didn't speak to Luke for the rest of the night, didn't speak to anyone in fact. Any attempt at conversation was drowned out by the argument he had with Eric circling his head. Kyle finding out about Jeremy, screaming at Eric, Eric calling him out, Eric walking away from him... it was a crushing cycle that wouldn't let up. Luke didn't seem to mind, and Kyle was unsure if relief was the right emotion. How much had he screwed up if his boyfriend didn't want to talk to him? Eric was right, Kyle knew that. Bringing Luke here was a bad idea, asking him out in the first place wasn't such a great idea either. Eric's perception scared him though. He just knew Kyle too well. Maybe they did belong together...

Kyle nursed only one drink for the rest of the night, and didn't even finish it. He just faded into the party while Luke made conversations with people he barely knew. Luke had told him he wanted to go home and he nodded gladly. Although bringing Luke back to his house felt like only granting half of Luke's wish. If Luke could be anywhere, Kyle thought, it would be far away from South Park. Maybe even far away from him.

They undressed in silence, not even looking at each other. No sleepy conversation, no flirtation, no kisses, or wandering hands. There really hadn't been any of that since the first night Luke got here. Luke had been so naive, and happy to see him, and Kyle had wanted to prove to himself that he had made the right decisions all along.

As Kyle pulled an old t-shirt over his head, he heard an unfamiliar squishing sound. Turning his head, he noticed that Luke was settling down on the air bed. Panic raced through Kyle, those thinning, misguided 'right' decisions disappearing before his eyes. Without Luke beside him, he felt anchored to nothing.

"What are you doing?" he asked, not caring how it sounded.

Luke shrugged, as if this was a totally normal development.

"Going to bed?"

Kyle took a step forward, but stopped himself from getting any closer to Luke. After all, he didn't want to show just how big of a deal this was. He fidgeted though, antsy.

"Yeah, but... d-d-don't you want to sleep with me?"

Luke sighed, fiddled with the corner of the duvet.

"Not really..." he murmured, avoiding Kyle's eyes.

Luke's rejection hit Kyle harder than any punch, and he wanted to curl up from the force of it. Instead, he climbed into his own bed and shuffled towards Luke.

"Listen, Luke, I know tonight wasn't great, and I'm so sorry-"

"You know, I've lost track of how many times you've apologised to me since I got here!" Luke snapped.

Kyle blinked, stunned. Luke never snapped, never lost his temper. His incredulity swallowed his surprise, however.

"Well, what do you want me to do?" he asked.

"Stop apologising to me! Stop upsetting me! Quit saying you're gonna change things, and promise that things will be better, when everything just seems to be getting worse!"

"I'm trying, Luke!"

Luke sighed, shoulders slumping.

"Are you?" he asked, frowning. "It really doesn't seem like it, Kyle."

Kyle flushed, hating how transparent his efforts supposedly were. First, Eric had called him out, and now Luke? Unlike Eric though, Luke seemed to wince at the severity of his words.

"I... I know how hard it was for you to come back home," he added. "And when you invited me here... I agreed because I thought me being here would make things easier for you. But if anything... it's made things worse. Clearly, it wasn't a good idea. I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling, Kyle, and I've tried being patient, and optimistic, and understanding, but I'm so tired. I just wanna be upset, can you let me have that?"

Kyle had no clue what to say. He couldn't refuse Luke's exhausted, pleading face. But how could he let Luke wallow like that? Surely it was his job to make him feel better? He had been failing this week, but he really wanted to make things... right. He just didn't know how. If Luke really believed this was the best thing to do right now then... surely Kyle should just go with it?

"I... I-I-I guess, but... God, Luke, I just feel awful!" he replied, desperate for some kind of compromise. "You can at least sleep in my bed and I'll-"

"It's fine..." Luke muttered, already turning over.

"But, Luke-"

"Kyle!" Luke snapped, looking over his shoulder. "It's fine. Good night..."

Kyle sighed, relenting.

"Good night..." he replied, before switching off the lamp.


	11. Under the Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting this, I really wanted to get this out sooner but, God, this was hard to write. Tonally, and structurally, and everything. It's a miracle I'm actually pleased with it, and I hope you guys like it too! Thank you so much for reading, and I'd love to know your thoughts!

Eric woke up to a mouth as dry as sandpaper, his skull practically throbbing, and something heavy in chest. Defeat, shame, heartbreak, or a horrible combination of the three. It wasn't unfamiliar, the yawning, sinking feeling in his chest, but it was a feeling that he didn't let stick around. Whenever he started to feel depressed, or hopeless about anything, that buoyant voice in his mind that never let anything get the best of it would whisper there was always a solution, a loophole, a situation he could benefit from or exploit. Eric liked to think of it as optimism, others might have called it opportunistic. But this morning? He had nothing. Last night was a fucking atomic failure, leaving no traces of surviving hopes and chances. Eric would've leapt on them if any appeared, scuttling across the wasteland that was his relationship with Kyle. Although, did he really have the energy? After his plan had crashed and burned, after he had screamed at Kyle everything he knew, and felt, and believed, he just felt exhausted, and battered. This relentless pursuit would kill him if there was no end in sight.

He had stormed out of Token's house and marched home. He slammed his bedroom door shut hard enough for the walls to shake. Or maybe that was just him. Shaking with anger, and despair, and shock that he had actually fucking walked away from Kyle. It was a little exhilarating to be the one to walk away. That high didn't last for long, a tiny slither of sunlight before an eclipse. He trashed his room again, threw things at the wall, kicked over his chair. The déjà vu was crushing. He couldn't believe this had become a fucking routine, as if destroying his room, rearranging it and tossing it upside down would change his circumstances, throw his whole world into disarray, and force him and Kyle together. When he realised the futility of it all, he collapsed into bed and cried until he exhausted himself. He was sick of hearing himself cry. He was sick of Kyle prompting every tear. Surely there should be a limit to how many tears you're allowed to cry over a person? Kyle was hogging his entire fucking supply.

There was a timid knock at his bedroom door. Eric grumbled under his breath, and rolled onto his back.

"Eric?" his mom knocked again. "Poopsie? Are you up-"

"Yeah, I'm up!" he snapped, rubbing his aching eyes. "What do you want?"

"It's just that... I heard you come home last night. You were being very loud... I thought I heard you crying-"

"I'm fine, mom!" Eric replied, and he wasn't sure if he was flushed with annoyance or humiliation. "Just because I'm back home doesn't mean you can stick your nose in my business!"

"I wasn't trying to stick my nose in your business, sweetie! I'm just worried..." Her voice drifted off. Eric could imagine her frowning. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"God damn it, yes! I'm fine! Can you leave me alone now?!"

Really, what the fuck did it matter to her what was wrong? Eric thought. He was seething now.

Silence. Compliant, or deliberating Eric didn't know. He hadn't heard her footsteps down the corridor. Then, a sigh.

"Alright... you want me to make you some toasty chocolate nummers?"

Eric had opened his mouth with a more blunt, and profane response to get his mom to leave him alone, but he paused. His quick, enraged breaths started to mellow as he considered just how good toasty chocolate nummers sounded right now. He smiled, his dry mouth starting to water.

"Okay... thanks..."

He could only imagine the triumphant grin his mom had on her face. She knew she had won as soon as she suggested bringing him one of his favourite treats.

While he waited for his mom, Eric reached for his phone on the nightstand. A couple emails, Instagram and Snapchat notifications, a message from Kenny last night wondering where the hell Eric had gone, but nothing from Kyle. That cavern in his chest yawned a little wider. Even after all that he had said, he thought Kyle would've tried to talk to him. To argue a little more, plead to see him so they could discuss this properly. He even thought he might have asked Eric to change his mind, to not give up on them just yet. Because maybe Kyle needed a little more pushing. Eric would've leapt on any tiny scraps of hope, even imaginary ones, it seemed. Because at least any sign of life would mean that Eric hadn't totally ruined this. But it seemed like he hadn't salvaged anything, just blown it all. And Kyle didn't stop him. He didn't beg, didn't fight, he just accepted it was over. Even though it fucking tore at Eric to consider it, Kyle's response made him wonder if they had even been worth fighting for.

His bedroom door opened, and even though Eric's room was a disaster, and he looked like shit, and his bloodshot eyes were undeniable evidence he'd been sobbing his heart out, his mom beamed at him. He returned the smile, threadbare though it was, and sat up a little more when she handed him the tall mug of fluffy, roasted marshmallows bobbing in sweetly aromatic hot chocolate.

"Thanks..." he murmured.

"You're welcome, poopsikins..."

Eric expected her to leave, but instead she sat beside him. He stiffened, but the lilting smell of her familiar perfume wasn't unwelcome. In fact, the scent was clumsily stitching up what had recently been ripped apart. He didn't protest when he felt her slender, soft fingers combing his hair.

"I know you're a grown-up now and you don't need me anymore but... " his mom sighed, as if releasing any doubt about what she wanted to say next. "You'll always be my baby."

Eric cringed when he felt his mom place a small kiss in his hair. But her presence, and her gentle words were just as comforting as his chocolate nummers. He didn't see any harm in indulging her a little bit.

* * *

Toasty chocolate nummers were a short-term fix admittedly. After Eric had eaten every marshmallow and drained the mug of hot chocolate, that warm, delighted sugar rush soon dissipated. He agreed to his mom's suggestion of getting out of bed though, if only so she could make it again and tidy his room. He was sprawled across the couch now, watching TV indecisively. He watched saccharine Christmas movies until the gooey, self-righteous messages made him itch, and every other TV show was filled with people who were stupid, or loud, or both. Were people always this irritating? He settled on some Christmas cooking show, figuring it wouldn't make him feel anything other than hungry.

A knock at the door pulled his attention away from some gross eggnog recipe. A stranger's knock, Eric considered. Gentle and polite, but hesitant too. He rolled his eyes, it was probably some timid salesman wearing antlers to get into the Christmas spirit. In other words, not a person he had the patience to humour. Or even to make fun of.

"Mom!" he called. "Could you get that?"

His mom was soon trotting down the stairs.

"Sure, sweetie..." she replied a little breathlessly, rushing to the door.

Without another thought Eric's attention returned to the TV.

"Oh, hello!" he heard his mom say. "Luke, isn't it?"

Eric's curiosity snagged on the word. It couldn't be... He glanced at the door and indeed saw Luke standing there, shoulders hunched and polite smile wound way too tight.

"Yeah, hi, Miss Cartman, um... I was wondering if I could talk to, uh, Eric?"

Luke hadn't noticed him yet. But Eric couldn't look away, frozen with wariness, and rigid with pride. As if he was going to haul his ass all the way to the front door to talk to that douchebag.

"Well..."

His mom turned her head, looking to Eric for an answer. He had no idea what his expression was trying to say when he both wanted to know what Luke was doing there, and to slam the door in his face.

"Y-y-yes, come in..." she decided on.

Eric rolled his eyes discreetly and finger-combed his messy hair.

"Thank you..." he heard Luke say as the door was shut behind him.

Dread rose in Eric like water in a sinking ship as Luke approached him. His shoulders were still hunched and his clasped fingers wouldn't stop fidgeting. When he was close enough, Eric wondered if he hadn't been sleeping. Small bags swelled under his eyes, bruised by restlessness. Eric didn't move, didn't stand up, didn't smile. He sat there like Luke's presence was an inconvenience, something he hadn't approved himself. It had nothing to do with his own nerves, tying themselves up in fretted knots.

"Hi, Cartman," Luke said with a timid smile.

"Luke, what are you doing here?"

Eric figured he may as well come out and ask the burning question. Fuck pleasantries.

Luke closed his eyes and sighed, as if he saw the question coming.

"I wanted to talk to you about Kyle," he replied in one breathy rush. His eyes opened.

Just the mention of his name singed Eric's already frayed mood. He swallowed his shock.

"Why... why me?" he asked, trying to master a goading smile. "Can't you talk to him?"

"Not really, um..." Luke pursed his lips, glanced at his antsy fingers, before lifting his head. "Things aren't so good between us right now, and I feel like you're the only person who can help me."

_Wait, what?_

Eric blinked.

"Oh..." he nodded, slow and reeling. Unsure if he was agreeing to help or just taking in this bizarre, unexpected encounter.

"Would you boys like anything to drink?" his mom asked, still by the front door and apparently eavesdropping.

Eric shook his head.

"No, mom."

"I'm fine, thank you, Miss Cartman." Luke turned his head and smiled.

"Okay, well, I'll leave you alone..." she nodded with a genial smile, eyeing Eric warily as she climbed the stairs.

Luke seemed to watch her until she reached the top, and he rubbed his palms on his jeans when they were alone. Eric wouldn't speak until he did, wouldn't initiate a conversation. Luke spotted the armchair.

"Do you mind if I..."

"No, go ahead."

Luke smiled tightly and sat down, appearing to relax a little. Eric didn't want him to feel too comfortable.

"Well?" he asked. "What's up?"

Luke frowned, avoided Eric's eyes, but the way his nostrils flared and his lips thinned was hard not to notice. Eric had no idea what to do if Luke broke down crying. Although he guessed he could try to sympathise. After all, it wasn't as if he hadn't cried over Kyle before.

"It's just that... ever since I came here, Kyle's been distant," Luke replied. "He's preoccupied, and on edge, and he seems so...  _afraid_. Of everything. I realise I haven't known Kyle for as long as you have but that's not him, is it?" Luke finally looked at Eric then, eyebrows furrowed. "It's definitely not the Kyle I met in college. Lately I've been thinking that maybe I don't know him that well at all. This whole week he's been so closed off. He won't tell me anything... and whatever he does tell me I feel like it's not entirely true. A-a-and I don't wanna offend you, Cartman, but I think you might be the reason."

Eric gulped. He thought he would've been delighted with Luke finding out about him and Kyle. It was a schadenfreude fantasy he had daydreamed about often in between plans to sabotage their relationship. It would've been the ultimate karmic payback for all the feelings of insecurity and inadequacy he had to endure while he and Kyle were together. But instead he felt anxious, shrinking under the unforeseen enormity of his wish.

"Wh-wh-why would you think that?"

Luke rolled his eyes, and fidgeted in his chair.

"Come on, you mean more to him than anybody else does..."

A new, brighter shock emanated from Eric's chest. One of delight, and pleasant, ecstatic surprise, and it was the first time ever that Eric didn't want Luke to shut up.

"I... I-I-I do?" he asked. He couldn't help but smile.

"Of course you do. Are you kidding me?" Luke shook his head and laughed, like it was so obvious. "God, Cartman, he loves you! When we first got together you were all he ever talked about." He scratched at his knee, and became more earnest. "That's why I wanted so much to make a good first impression with you because I can see how important you are to him. To be honest, it's hard to not be intimidated by you. I really didn't wanna encroach on what you and Kyle have... but I didn't realise back then that what you and Kyle have would be so...  _huge_... it takes up every fucking room we're in together, and when you two are looking at each other, or talking to each other, it's like nobody else has a chance. And now I'm starting to think there's no room for me in Kyle's life, and maybe that wouldn't be so scary if I knew what I was up against."

Eric's smile had started to fade. That glowing, glorious surprise had taken all the things he hoped, and dreamed, and believed Kyle felt for him and purified them, rid them of any doubt. Kyle wasn't over him. Kyle hadn't moved on so simply. He had talked about him, and missed him, and maybe even loved him. But it also cast his quest, once so heady, and romantic, and maybe even fucking noble into a horrifying light. He had justified the potential heartbreak, the anger, the betrayal by telling himself he deserved this. After all he had done for Kyle - keeping his mouth shut, treading lightly over his landmine of anxieties, being obedient for once in his life, all the effort he had put in to be the best boyfriend he could be - he felt like he deserved to be happy with the only person he ever wanted to change for. Ever since they had started dating, Eric hoped that Kyle would come around with a little bit of bravery, trust, and with a little bit of pushing he would finally give in to him wholeheartedly. Love Eric the way he wanted to be loved. He had followed Kyle's advice, hadn't he?

_"You just... have to think about other people a little more, and... trust them, and compromise with them, and be honest with them... and then you'll be all set for somebody to love you."_

But it wasn't enough. Kyle had still broken up with him... but what if Eric never had to earn Kyle's love in the first place? What if he already loved him? Had always loved him? Even before Eric knew he wanted it so badly. He was just afraid. Bullied by his own damn pride, dictating to him who he should be, and how he should feel. And maybe with all his sabotaging, his meddling, Eric had only driven Kyle further into the prison of his ego. Eric thought of his argument with Kyle the night before, and his stomach churned with guilt. Maybe he  _had_  been ruining Kyle's life? So he could make a picture out of the shattered pieces that pleased him? He wanted Kyle, and would do anything to have him, but he never wanted to hurt him. It devastated him, to think that he might have. Beyond what even he could pallet. Had he even changed at all?

It was hard to find any words. Eric was drowning in silence. But he had to say  _something_. He just had no idea where to begin. Luke was waiting for him, so weary and desperate that he was willing to wait as long as it took for answers.

"So what do you wanna know, Luke?" Eric asked, at a loss of what he could possibly offer after all the damage he had done.

Luke sighed. He didn't know where to begin either.

"I guess I want to know... what's going on with you and Kyle. Really. I get why Kyle doesn't wanna tell me but... it still hurts that he won't, you know?" He shook his head. His voice was filling up with tears. "I'm not an idiot. I think I know what's going on already, but the uncertainty is driving me fucking crazy. Please, Cartman..."

Eric wished he had more experience in navigating his moral compass a little more selflessly. In search of that elusive 'right thing', that took on so many different guises. Was being honest the right thing? Telling Luke how he felt about his boyfriend, how they'd dated secretly for months, and with that truth revealing that Luke had been lied to ever since he and Kyle started dating? Or was the right thing to spare Luke's feelings? It seemed kinder. He and Kyle, united, would keep up the pretence. They were just friends, just close, closer than most people would consider normal, or even appropriate. Nothing had ever happened, and Luke would believe he wasn't being lied to whilst still being trapped in an intricately woven web of deceit. He wished Kyle were here. He wished he could pull him aside and ask what the hell they were supposed to do now. Eric would still follow Kyle's every command if he looked into his eyes, and spoke with that soft tone of irresistible conviction he had mastered. He would grant him his every wish if he could. He realised then, that all he ever wanted was for Kyle to be happy. Even without him, even with Luke. No one else mattered. Maybe this could all just fucking end if Eric left them alone, and let Kyle go for good.

_For the best. This is for the best._

"Well... uh..." Eric cleared his throat when his voice started to wobble. His whole body was resisting. "I love Kyle too."

The words seemed to set the room ablaze. Luke sat straighter, eyes brightening with flames of incredulous shock. Eric, on the other hand, just felt emboldened, lighter, now that all his emotional baggage was burning to ashes.

"Actually..." he was able to smile. "I'm in love with him. Maybe I always have been. Whenever we're together I just feel... angry and happy, and scared and safe all at once." He cleared his throat, a little embarrassed at what he just admitted. "We've been through so much. I'm sure Kyle has told you about all the crazy shit that happened to us when we were kids - most of it being my fault - but it's just made us develop this bond, you know? You know Kyle, he's... obsessive, and he's passionate, and he's stubborn. We both are. I guess that's why we're drawn to each other, and why that might make it difficult for other people to feel like they can fit in with all that." He frowned, growing cold at recent memories. "I guess that's why it was hard for me to see you two together. It just felt like you were in the way-"

"In the way of what though?" Luke cut in, leaning forward and growing impatient.

Eric sighed. It was never easy admitting defeat. He shrugged, rueful. He couldn't cry, couldn't muster up anymore tears. He knew it, Kyle had drained him completely.

"The two of us... being together..." he shook his head. He kept repeating to himself he was doing the right thing. Finally. "But that's never gonna happen. I realise that now. It's hard to accept, but Kyle will never feel the same way I do." He looked at Luke, so he knew he meant what was he was about to say. "I promise you, Luke, you have nothing to worry about."

Eric was starting to wonder if Luke had even listened to a word he'd said. He just seemed numb, uninterested, his eyes glazed over with a bright veneer of tears. Broken. Still, Eric stared, waited for a response, for any sign of Luke, of the gratingly cheery guy who was all over Kyle when they first met at Sizzler. Instead, his face seemed to draw tight with anger, flushing from the strain. He blinked, and tears brimmed in his eyes.

"No..." he whispered, shaking his head. He wasn't looking at Eric. "No, that can't be right. You..." he was seething when he met Eric's eyes. His features seemed to have cracked, an eruption was eminent. "You're such a fucking liar..."

"What?!"

Eric was out of his seat before he could stop himself. But what choice did he have but to armour himself with a menacing, towering glare and hands curled into fists? When he was apparently so transparent that Luke could see right through him? This was the truth he had chosen, this was the right thing and he was sticking with it, even if he had to fucking fight for it.

"You're a fucking liar!" Luke yelled, springing out of his seat too. "You both are! You know what? Go ahead and be together because you fucking deserve each other!"

Before Eric could respond, Luke stormed to the front door. Eric found himself following him.

"Luke, what the hell-"

Eric cut himself off when Luke spun around. So close they were almost nose to flaring nose. Eric could feel Luke's hot, hard breath escaping through his gritted teeth.

"You're coming to Kyle's with me."

Eric's defensive resolve popped like a balloon at the absurdity of what Luke was suggesting,  _commanding_. His body even deflated a little.

"Why?!"

"So we can get to the bottom of this!" Luke cried. "So he can admit it!"

"What?!" Eric nearly screeched in panic. "No way! What more do you fucking want, man?! I've told you what you wanna hear!"

"No, you haven't! You've told me what you think will make me happy! You both have! But all it's done is made me paranoid!" He pursed his lips and shook his head. His eyes were glittering. "I'm done being made a fucking fool out of, and I'm done being lied to! You can try to convince me otherwise, but I know you're lying! And I'm not letting this go until somebody starts telling me the truth!"

Eric had no idea if he was actually considering going along with Luke's plan because he was terrified by the broken, paranoid mess quivering in his living room, or because he actually felt sorry for him. After all that he had done, maybe he owed him this. Even if it was going to hurt beyond belief, tear at him from head to toe, at least he would know everything he needed. Maybe Eric wasn't the one who needed freedom, or Kyle, maybe it was Luke? And for all his volatility there was a logic to what he was proposing. Even the craziest plans have it. Perhaps Kyle couldn't deny it when the both of them were there, could pretend no longer. Closure. For them all.

"Fine." Eric sighed. "Let's go."

* * *

Even when he used to climb into Kyle's bedroom as a child, uninvited and unbeknownst, Eric never felt like he didn't belong in Kyle's house. His short-term grievances provided him ample justification for why he felt entitled to sneak into Kyle's room to search, to steal, to reclaim what he swore Kyle had taken from him but would eventually be found under his own desk. He stopped climbing through the window when he grew taller and older, and even during their surreptitious relationship he wasn't put off by Kyle's twitches and stiffness whenever so much as a spider scuttled past his bedroom door. He simply pulled Kyle in and kissed all of his worries away, turning his bedroom into another secret sanctuary of theirs. But now, after being dragged there by Kyle's broken boyfriend driven mad by suspicion, and with confrontation in his sights, Eric felt like more of an intruder than ever.

Luke shut the front door behind him and Eric winced. Not even a slam, just a reminder that he was actually here, and fleeing wouldn't be so easy. The living room was empty, an appropriate calm before a catastrophic storm. Then, footsteps down the stairs. Ones Eric remembered from a week ago, when he had tea with Mrs Broflovski, when he had been so damn arrogant and reckless, when Luke was blissfully oblivious, and Kyle... well, he had every right to be wary, didn't he? Even Luke knew that now. What more would he find out this afternoon? Eric gulped.

Kyle was dressed in his sweats, scrolling through his phone before he noticed Luke stood in the living room, and smiled.

"Hey, did you..." his smile vanished when he noticed Eric, shoulders hunched and withering behind Luke. "Cartman... wh-what are you doing here?"

"I asked him to come," Luke answered before Eric could. "We need to talk."

Kyle's wide eyes flitted between Luke and Eric, not knowing who to direct his questions to. His feet remained planted on the stairs, as if he was too scared to approach. Eric wouldn't blame him if he bolted to his room and locked the door.

"Where did you guys even-"

"I went to this house."

Kyle's jaw slackened, gripping the banister when the devastation of Luke's words hit him like a tidal wave.

"What?" he asked, before his face hardened with vexation. It emboldened him to approach. "Why?"

"Because I need fucking answers, Kyle!" Luke cried. "And you weren't prepared to give them to me!"

Kyle was visibly startled, but before he could respond his mom rushed out of the kitchen, a rag in her hand. As if the commotion was a stain she could wipe away.

"Goodness, what's going on out here?"

As if this couldn't get any worse. Eric threw his head back, looking to the ceiling for any way out of there.

Kyle sighed, and when Eric looked at him, he saw him pinked and trembling. Embarrassed and afraid, all his secrets had been rattling, effervescent in a bottle, unable to be truly contained. But the cork had unceremoniously flew off, and the secrets were spilling.

"Nothing, mom..." he muttered.

"Everything's fine, Mrs Broflovski," Eric assured.

Kyle glared at him, and Eric blanched. Sure, he didn't expect gratitude for trying to calm the situation, but he never thought he'd receive such a withering look for having the audacity to help.

"Oh, so now you decide to talk?!" Kyle snapped, baring his teeth. "This is all your fault!"

That, Eric could not accept.

" _All_  of it?! Please, give me a break, Kyle!"

"See, this is exactly what I'm talking about! What the hell does that even mean?" Luke pleaded, looking between Eric and Kyle.

They fidgeted, shy and resistant. They folded their arms across their chests, concealing everything. But even if they were out of practice with their silent, optical communication, they tried to reach an agreement with their more pliant stares.

_I'll tell, if you tell._

"I want to know what's going on right now!" Mrs Broflovski demanded, her beehive hairdo wobbling from the force of her plea.

"It's none of your business, mom!" Kyle snapped. "I..." he sighed, returning his cracked, defeated gaze to Luke and Eric. "We're not doing this down here. Come on..."

Heads bowed, quiet and solemn as a funeral procession, they followed Kyle to his bedroom.

Setting foot in there, Eric hated how this was his return to a room he always longed to be in. He had expected his return to be triumphant, joyous, hell, just fucking  _happy._ The door thrown open as wide as Kyle's arms looped around his neck as they kissed, and the best part? He could stay as long as he liked, and Kyle would never flinch or twitch at the sound of footsteps again. He would want Eric to be there as much as he wanted  _Eric_. Never did he think he'd return to everything unravelling, his plan, Kyle, Luke,  _everything_.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Luke?" Kyle seethed, flashes of fear beneath his angry armour. "What the fuck was that down there?!"

"I'm sorry, Kyle, but I had no choice! You're keeping something from me and I had to find out what-"

"I'm keeping nothing from you!"

Luke dragged his fingers through his dark hair, tugging so hard Eric could see his follicles straining with protest.

"You are! You are, I know you are!" His voice broke, tears pouring out. "Why can't you just tell me the truth, Kyle?!"

Kyle was panting, gasping breaths escaping his lips like a man cornered. Sympathy clutched Eric's heart, but Kyle's glare squeezed it tighter still.

"What exactly have you been telling him?" he asked, voice dark.

"Nothing!" Eric snapped, hands raised.

"He hasn't said a word. Turns out you're both pretty good at maintaining the party line," Luke added, snide and prickly. He crossed his arms. "Just friends, huh? Bullshit! You can't tell me all these looks, all this tension, what the hell you were doing in the bathroom that one night was innocent!" He shook his head and shouted. "God, you think that just because you've been through bizarre, twisted, dramatic shit that you can keep people like me in the dark! On the outside! Well, your special fucking bubble isn't that hard to see through, and it doesn't grant you immunity from acting a little decent!"

Eric looked at Kyle, united in their discomfort, shame, and guilt, wondering how the hell did they get to this? From their very first kiss in the bathroom stall? Was it inevitable? Did it have to be this way?

Luke sighed, gaze falling to the carpet. He shook his head.

"Honestly, Kyle, it makes me wonder if you even care about me at all..."

"What?" Kyle whispered, frowning. He reached out. "Luke, of course I care about you-"

Luke batted his hand away.

"If you care about me, you'd stop treating me like some naive idiot who needs protecting!"

Kyle's hand withered, powerless as he placed it by his side. He glanced between Eric and Luke, pleading for answers. What the hell should he do now? Eric wanted to tell him to be honest, finally. To put an end to this whole mess, to this misery, but how could he without making it sound like this is what he intended all along? Drive them to the depths of despair so Kyle could finally let Luke go, let his insecurities go, let his pride go. Everyone's downfall. The most severe, cardinal sin.

"I'm serious, Kyle," Luke added, voice softer now. "This has to end."

A spring had opened in Kyle's eyes when he looked to Eric. He wanted to cup Kyle's blotchy face, swipe fat tears away with his thumb and whisper to him that it was finally alright. But instead, he nodded, granted his blessing.

Kyle sighed, body slumping with exhaustion. He was outran, it had all caught up to him and there was nowhere to go. Eric wished he could hold his arms out, let Kyle's limp body collapse into his embrace and commend his effort. But he doubted that would be appreciated. Head bowed, Kyle pressed his wrists to his eyes and held them there before he looked up again.

"Fine..." he whispered.

Kyle shuffled over to his bed, crouching down and pulling something out from under it. Eric and Luke glanced at each other, not wanting to talk in the silence or ever again, as a matter of fact. What else would there be for them to say to each other after this? Kyle remained with his back to them for a while, shoulders drawn tight. Whatever he was holding close, clutching to his chest must have been precious for him to be so reluctant to share it,  _afraid._  Suddenly, he began to shudder. There was a quickly concealed sniffle that could not go unnoticed in the quiet room. Eric's fingers flexed, his heart pulling towards Kyle like a magnet, now wired to respond to Kyle's distress and comfort accordingly. But right now, that wasn't his place. He glanced at Luke again, and without another word Luke tentatively approached Kyle. He placed a hand on his back.

"Here..." Kyle murmured, handing Luke a cardboard box.

Luke looked over his shoulder at Eric, with a silent question and demand.  _Do you know what this is?_ Eric shrugged, he had no idea, was just as curious and puzzled. Luke sat on the bed, and slowly removed the lid. Kyle had shifted so he was profile in Eric's eyeline, arms folded tightly once again across his chest, bracing himself. Their eyes met, but Kyle swiftly ripped his gaze away. Instead, Eric watched Luke reveal Polaroid's, and birthday cards, and crumpled movie tickets.

Memories captured, happiness framed, fading ink shining bright with affection, the beginnings of love. Kyle had kept it all in his little treasure chest. Eric was drenched by a downpour of disbelief, it was hard to keep standing. Kyle hadn't tossed their relationship aside so easily, he had preserved it, right from the start. Their relationship wasn't a secret to be easily erased, soon forgotten, Kyle had protected it, cherished it, curated it. Still, as gratifying as this was for Eric, he could only imagine how painful this was for Luke. He was reminded when Luke lifted his head, gaze watery and already resigned to an outcome he anticipated. Returning to the box, his brow furrowed when he pulled out a piece of burgundy material Eric recognised. Unfolded, it was revealed to be a shirt Eric assumed he had lost in the laundry. His eyes and nose prickled with tears, and he pursed his lips to suffocate his smile. Their relationship wasn't so lopsided, or as asymmetrical as a broken heart. God, how could Eric have ever doubted the boy he was in love with?

_Who are you kidding? You don't deserve him at all._

The thought was piercing, breath-snatching. Bliss and surety seeped out of the wound.

"I knew it..." Luke muttered, placing the shirt beside him. He buried his head in his hands. "I knew it..."

"I'm so sorry, Luke," Kyle replied, hand resting on his shoulder. "I should've told you... I..."

Kyle looked at Eric, his solemn face made him appear as receptive as a figure carved out of stone.

"I wanna talk to Luke alone..." he said, serious.

Eric nodded, and left. He closed the door, and leaned against it. Free to grin, he gasped as the smile stretched across his face. He covered his mouth, as though a grin so wide and beaming had to be contained. At least it would muffle his tears, as he started to softly sob.

* * *

Kyle couldn't recall the action of sitting next to Luke on his bed, but could feel the soft quilt, the creased dips of the mattress. Everything just felt so excruciatingly slow, trudging through every movement, and action, and... well, they hadn't talked since Eric left the room. Even though Kyle had wanted to talk to Luke, what could he say? Where should he start? Relief sparked but failed to ignite like a faulty lighter. At least this was all out in the open now, like ripping off a band-aid - an all too literal cliché. Kyle had uncovered a wound concealed for so long, and now it was bleeding. Or at least flaring a protesting pink. The colour of anger, and hurt, and pain rising to the surface.

Luke still held the box even though it had revealed to him the most agonising secrets, almost like it was welded to his trembling fingers. His eyes, gleaming and glazed, were rooted to an unremarkable corner in Kyle's bedroom. Tear tracks marred his face. He shifted his gaze to Kyle's direction, but didn't meet his eyes.

"I..." he sighed, heavy with surrender. "I don't think I can be with you anymore, Kyle."

Kyle nodded. It was disappointing, but inevitable. Consequential.

"I understand..." he whispered.

He watched Luke's hands shake, and wanted it to stop, to be the one to put a stop to it. After everything, he could at least do that, right? He took Luke's hand, peeled his fingers away from the box. They were limp and uninterested, but Kyle still grasped them.

"Luke, I am so, so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you-"

"So you lied to me?" Luke snapped. Lips taut, and stare boring holes in him. "I don't get it, Kyle. If you had just told me from the start that you and Cartman used to date, I would've understood. I never assumed I was your first boyfriend, why would I?"

Kyle thought of the fight he had with Eric in Tokens' backyard less than twenty-four hours ago. It was hard to kid himself that he never knew this argument would lead to this, secrets being revealed and relationships ending. Their fight; Eric's accusations of fear, and shame, and pride; and the unearthing of Kyle's feelings, magma-like they stirred so deep within the core of his heart, were grenades thrown into Kyle's well-maintained delusion, ticking away until they exploded.

"It's not that, I... I-I guess I just got so used to hiding my relationship with Cartman- Kyle closed his eyes. He was through with pretences. " _Eric_  - from everyone that it just seemed like second nature to cover it up. Even from people who knew nothing about me, us..." he squeezed Luke's hand a little tighter and tried to smile. "Even from people who I would never wanna lie to. After everything we've been through, dating Cartman just made me feel so uneasy, like I was doing something wrong... even when it felt right." He shook his head. "I swear, I spent the first month of our relationship on the verge of a panic attack. Even when we were happy I was beating myself up, telling myself that I needed to get over this, and fast..." he sighed. "College seemed like an easy way out, before it got too serious. Still, I missed him so much. I was so lonely. Then you..."

Kyle's voice cracked, waterlogged. He smiled when Luke looked at him again, inquisitive with only the thinnest veil of cynicism.

"Then you came along, and made everything better..."

Luke let himself smile, fresh tears pooling at his lashes. His smile wavered when he glanced at their joined hands, warm and damp.

"I just don't think I could ever trust you again..." he whispered, sliding his hand out of Kyle's.

Kyle didn't protest, just nodded. His throat clenched.

"I know, and you really don't need to apologise. I'm the one who should be sorry."

There was no argument, the statement met with unsure silence. God, there was so much to be unsure of. Namely, what the hell should they do now?

"What about you and Car- Eric?"

Kyle blinked, since Eric left the room he'd been trying not think about him. It wasn't too difficult, since the guilt that welled up inside him whenever he looked at Luke left room for little else.

"Wh-what do you mean?"

"Do you still have feelings for him?"

_Yes_

And that simple answer filled him up just as quickly as all the guilt in the world. It took him longer to actually answer the question though, his mouth still refusing to sound out the damn word.

"Maybe?" he managed. He hung his head at the blatant lie. "I don't know..."

Luke huffed, shaking his head.

"Here..." he murmured, handing the box to Kyle.

"Thanks," he replied, even quieter. He stared at the jumbled contents, hastily returned as if Luke couldn't bear to look at them anymore. Kyle chewed his lip, contemplating what he should say... what he should  _do_. "Um, is there anything I can do? To make things a little better?"

Luke pondered, and Kyle waited.

"Well, I'm leaving tomorrow," he replied, his words were buoyed by relief. "Maybe we shouldn't talk about this anymore. Maybe we should... keep our distance. As much as we can, at least. Some space would be good."

He offered Kyle a smile that asked, 'I hope that's okay?'

Kyle nodded, answering his silent question. It was the least he could do.

"Got it..."

He lifted himself off his bed, planning on hanging out downstairs for a while to give Luke his space. Maybe he would pack to take his mind off things.

"Can I get you something to drink? Like, water maybe?"

Luke smiled and nodded, hands clasped between his legs.

Kyle left his bedroom, the door clicking shut. He took a deep, shuddering breath, crushed by the inertia of all that was changed, and broken. But he just had to go with it now, roll with the resistance, get through the holidays, look forward to New Year, enjoy spending time with his friends and family, and... he had no idea what to do about Eric. He had answered for his feelings, accepted them, but should he act on them? Or would he only be rewarding Eric for his manipulative behaviour? How could be with someone so destructive?

He took slow steps towards the stairs, dragging his feet and his dilemma. He reached the top step, and much to his surprise and fury, Eric was still there, chatting to his mom. It was like he was waiting for him, like he knew Kyle would come running into his arms, predictable and pathetic. His plan had come to fruition, Kyle and Luke were apart, and he could fill the vacancy he felt belonged to him. Kyle gritted his teeth, wanting to deny him just so he wouldn't have the satisfaction of everything working out 'perfectly.' He stormed down the stairs.

"What are you doing?" he asked, glowering as he approached Eric.

"Just filling your mom in on what's going on," Eric replied, innocent and irritating.

"There was an awful racket, bubbe! Is everything okay?"

"Not really, mom, me and Luke just broke up!" Kyle snapped with a sardonic smile.

His mom flinched at the abrasive tone, fingers limp with shock as she held them to her mouth. Eric had turned his head, avoided Kyle's eyes.

"There!" Kyle snapped again, willing a reaction from Eric. "There, are you happy now?!"

Eric was looking at him now, scowling. Kyle could tell there was so much he wanted to say, that not even their silent language could communicate. He felt like screaming at him to spit it out already.

"Excuse us, Mrs Broflovski..." he muttered, tugging Kyle from the bottom step and leading him away from his mom.

Kyle wrenched his arm from Eric's grip. They were stood so close they were cloaked in each other's shadows. Appropriate, since they had both been darkened, tainted, bruised by each other's actions. Their breaths came hard, and aggressive.

"Of course I'm not happy!" Eric snapped, low and tense.

"But isn't this what you wanted all along? With your scheming, and your mind games, and-"

"All I've ever wanted is you!" Eric interrupted, voice straining and bitterness cracking to reveal the desperate, urgent plea beneath. "No secrets, no shame, just  _you_ , Kyle! I tried everything to make that happen! I tried to prove myself, I tried to be better, because I wanted to be better for you! You make me wanna be better! But that didn't work, and then when I saw you were with someone else..." he hung his head, rubbed his eyes. They were shining with tears when he looked up. Kyle's heart started to crack under the weight, the overwhelming pressure. "It broke me. It fucking killed me to see somebody else take what I wanted, but what I did..." his jaw tightened, and he shook his head. "it wasn't fair. To you, to Luke... to  _us_. We're better than that, Kyle. At least I think we are. But now I've ruined it. You're never gonna take me back after all this, are you?"

Kyle pursed his lips, not wanting to say the wrong thing when he had no clue what the right thing was either. Of course he still wanted Eric, he had never stopped wanting him. That need still existed, urgent, and fervent, and terrifying. It frightened Kyle more than ever. But everything was still so raw, he didn't want to rush into a decision he would later regret. Because even if the moral of this disastrous tale was that he should listen to his heart as well as his head, he still didn't trust his heart to make any decisions when it yearned for a guy who was so capable of hurt. It would be irresponsible, to return to Eric now. It would be irresponsible, to break his heart further down the line.

Eric shrugged, not caring that his tears were roaming his cheeks.

"You don't have to answer, Kyle. I'm just..." he cleared his throat, suddenly earnest. "So sorry..."

Kyle nodded, Eric was becoming blurrier.

"Me too," he whispered, voice cracking.

"Bye, Kyle..."

Kyle watched Eric leave, and as soon as he was gone, a sob escaped. Lamenting, and reprimanding, and regretful. He buried his head in his hands, hot tears wetting his palms as his body hiccupped and heaved. He had lost two people he cared about in one day, and this was the second time he was letting one of them walk away, potentially the person he lo-

"Oh, bubbe, it's okay!" his mom exclaimed, rushing over to him. Even though Kyle was taller than her now, she gathered him up in her arms easily. "It's okay..."

Kyle shuddered in her embrace, wetting her shirt. The smell of it comforted him just as much as her words, and the arms rocking him.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you..." he murmured wetly.

"Sshh, it's alright," she soothed, reaching up to pet his curls. "Everything will be alright..."

Kyle so wanted to believe her, but bereft of Eric nothing seemed right at all. Irreparable, and irrevocable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just leaving this here to remind you guys that there's one chapter left. I don't know if that makes what just happened better or worse, pfft! Anyway, thank you again, and I hope you enjoyed!


	12. I Swear, You're All I Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we are! The final chapter of a Christmas fic in April! There'll be a more detailed author's note at the end of the chapter, but for now I want to thank all you amazing readers for sitting through all the angst I've thrown at you and I hope this ending makes up for all the secondhand heartache. I hope you enjoy, and I'd love to know your thoughts!

Kyle pulled into a spot at the huge parking lot at DIA, and his mind wandered to just over a week ago, when he had first picked Luke up. He had felt nauseous upon his arrival, and it had nothing to do with the lengthy drive from South Park but everything to do with the guilt of betraying his boyfriend's trust, and the relationship that still very much haunted him. He had tried to calm his paranoia with a calmer, sweeter anticipation. He would be seeing Luke soon, be able to talk to him, and hug him, and kiss him, and the feeling of his lips against his would erase the memory of Eric's. He even imagined how this very day would feel, when Luke went home. He would feel sad to watch his boyfriend go, look forward to seeing him again in the new year, and perhaps feel a strange combination of relief and triumph. Triumphant because he and Luke had survived a week in South Park, relieved that he had kept his relationship and secret intact. How naive, Kyle thought, that he ever considered such an outcome.

It was a melancholy drive, admittedly, with Luke not wishing to engage in conversation, and Kyle not pressing further after a few failed attempts. Still, the devastation Kyle had initially felt at revealing all to Luke, and Luke deciding to end their relationship had ebbed. It was a superficial scar, easily healed. Of course, Kyle would miss Luke. Of course he would always care for him, and be fond of him, and he hoped the feeling was mutual. But breaking up was the right decision... really, the only option. They were shattered beyond repair, but perhaps there was still hope for the individual pieces. He hoped so for Luke, as for himself... he was unsure. With Eric out of the equation, Kyle couldn't find any solution that felt right, let alone hopeful. Still, he had found relief. An odd, but soothing relief that there was nothing left to hide. He never thought being so open and bare could make him feel so secure.

"Are you sure you don't want me to go in with you?" Kyle asked.

Luke smiled, good-naturedly.

"No, no, it's fine..." he replied, as if that was the only time he had answered that question in the last twenty four hours.

Kyle nodded, not wanting to be overbearing.

"Alright." He itched for some kind, helpful gesture. It was the least he could do. "Here, I'll help you with your suitcase."

"Okay, thanks..."

They got out of the car and walked to the trunk. Kyle lifted the hood, and tried to hide his huff as he pulled Luke's suitcase out of the car. The wheels rattled as they hit the gravel.

"Thank you..." Luke murmured, with a small, polite smile.

Kyle returned the smile, but only that. They stood, stiff and self-conscious, with a deliberate space between them like magnets repelling each other. Their hands that had ran through hair, cupped, and stroked, and squeezed, and clasped were reluctant to move from their sides.

"So I guess this is it," Kyle offered, to fill the silence.

"Yeah..." Luke nodded, slow. "It is..."

"Uhh..." Kyle was at a loss, no words seemed to do. "So do we hug here, or-"

Luke's arms were around his middle and his head was buried in the crook of Kyle's neck before he could finish. Kyle abandoned his words and melded into the embrace, wrapping his arms around Luke's back and savouring this for the last time.

"Listen, Luke, I'm so sorry for-"

"No, Kyle, you don't have to say it," Luke cut in, pulling away with a flushed face and glimmering eyes. "I know how sorry you are. I just hope that you and Eric can find a way to be together someday without hurting anyone... or each other."

The words stirred Kyle, and he was clueless as to how to reply. What could he say? Promise that wouldn't be the case? Hope that it was possible? Tell Luke that being with Eric was never going to happen? Break down and confess that he was afraid he and Eric were a lost cause?

"I better go," Luke added, reaching for the handle of his pull-along. "Enjoy the rest of your break."

"Yeah, thanks." Kyle nodded, still dazed. He smiled. "You too."

He watched Luke walk away, hoping that by the time Luke reached one of the myriad entrances to the airport his mind would settle, his thoughts return to a less bewildering pace. Getting in the car now would be the very definition of distracted driving. Luke eventually disappeared, and his words faded with him. Yet, his voice still murmured like a self-righteous angel, or pesky devil at his shoulder. Kyle couldn't hang around a parking lot all day waiting for his subconscious to peel away thoughts of Eric from his mind like stubborn chewing gum from the bottom of his sneaker.

He returned to his car, but Luke's words, and his ache for Eric, followed him the whole journey home. Their confrontation the day before was lodged in his memory. Kyle's anger, his shame, the lump in his throat he had choked on, how his mouth wobbled as Eric spoke, wanting to argue back, to plead, to apologise, but he just couldn't articulate himself; Eric walking away, the slam of the door, and the unbearable, crushing gravity of the situation, plunging him into the depths of despair. He had fucked up. Spectacularly. Had underestimated Eric, hurt him more than he ever realised, and made a mistake that couldn't be so easily remedied. No matter how much he wanted to pursue him, drive straight to Eric's house and beg, and apologise, and promise he'd do anything to make it up to him, he feared rejection. What if it was too late? So instead he decided to go to Stan's house.

" _To all our listeners in South Park, don't forget our annual Karaoke Khristmas extravaganza is coming to you! That's right, we're kicking off Christmas right in the town square, with our live band and amazing performances by_ you _! That's right, you guys will be taking over the airwaves here on Park County FM! There's still a few slots left, for all you last-minute shoppers! Just make sure you get your name on the list by midnight tonight, head on over to our Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram to get in on the fun-"_

Kyle cut the DJ off mid-sentence as he pulled up outside Stan's house. Framed by ancient, blinking Christmas lights, it was a welcoming sanctuary for Kyle to unburden his problems. He tucked his hands into his pockets as he walked to the front door, it was cruelly cold this evening. He knocked, and shivered as he waited.

Kyle was relieved when Stan answered the door, just the face he wanted to see.

"Hey..." he said with a smile, his voice falling flat.

"Hi, are you alright?" Stan asked, with a concerned dent in his brow. "You look all tense."

"I've just dropped Luke off at the airport."

"Oh..." Stan nodded, frowning. "Oh, well, that sucks. But you'll be seeing him again soon-"

"We broke up."

Stan's eyes widened, flashing briefly like one of his Christmas lights.

"What?"

"Yesterday."

"How... h-h-how did that happen?"

"Can I come in?" Kyle asked, a little impatient. He could hardly recount the tumultuous week with chattering teeth.

"Yeah, sure, of course..." Stan replied, standing aside to let Kyle in.

He ushered Kyle to his bedroom and once there, Kyle revealed everything to him. How he had kissed Eric on their first night back home, Eric's attempts to sabotage his relationship with Luke, Luke's suspicion and the arguments it fuelled, how Jeremy was an escort Eric hired to make Kyle jealous, and how his stupid plan actually fucking worked; Luke storming over to Eric's house to demand the answers he had been begging Kyle for all week, and then Kyle finally telling the truth and Luke deciding to end it. It all poured out of Kyle's mouth with barely any pause for Stan to ask questions, or comment, and Kyle had to wonder if his rambling had anything to do with self-preservation. There were so many events he had no idea how to answer for, and he didn't want to give Stan the chance to ask.

"Dude, that's just... terrible," Stan said once Kyle seemed to have finished. "Really, I mean, you and Luke seemed so good for each other-"

"But it's not even Luke I'm sad about," Kyle cut in. "It's Cartman..." he sighed. He was sat on Stan's bed, elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He dragged his fingers through his hair. "It's always Cartman..."

"What do you mean?"

Kyle shrugged, shook his head. His eyes were stinging, and he took a shattered breath.

"It just feels like he's been influencing every decision I've ever made since... well, I can't remember. Good or bad..." he rolled his eyes. "Mostly bad... whenever I start to think I've figured him out, that I'm making the right call, doing what's best for us - or I guess, me - he does something that makes me hate him, or fear him, or fucking love him all over again! I can never win, neither can he... we're losing, all the time, because neither of us knows what to do with these fucking feelings! And even when we broke up before college, and when I thought we would be done for good, and I would finally get over him, it never felt as... permanent as this." His head dropped, his hands dropped, beaten. "Final, and fucking irreparable, and... awful..."

"But why did you wanna get over him so badly?"

"Because I thought it was the right thing to do, because even when things were perfect I still told myself it was all wrong." Kyle shook his head. "I shouldn't be with him, Stan."

"Says who?"

Kyle looked at Stan and saw that he was serious, and genuinely curious. He thought Stan would get it, would agree. Indignation welled up inside him before he could stop it.

"Anybody who has any fucking idea about the shit he did when he was a kid!"

Stan rolled his eyes, with a gentle, exasperated smile.

"Kyle, come on, we all did fucked up shit when we were kids." He squirmed, uncomfortable, beside Kyle. "This town kinda forces your hand. Cartman just... revelled in it a little more than the rest of us."

The indignation mellowed, and Kyle actually found himself smirking.

"Where was all this wisdom when you found out about the two of us? I thought you were gonna throw up when you saw us making out on his couch-"

"You can't use that against me, dude," Stan interjected, with little mirth. "I was in shock. It was just... unexpected. Whatever the hell Cartman's done in the past, is just that. It's gone, it's over. Sure, it doesn't excuse it but the only way anybody can at least try to fix their mistakes, is to move on from them. Don't make them again. Show that you've changed. You know him better than I do, Kyle. Can you honestly say he's done that?"

Kyle thought of Eric's budding sensitivity, his tentative, earnest attempts at selflessness, and patience, and honesty. He thought of how he so often spoke in soft, gentle tones around Kyle, forgoing his abrasive manner, and he thought of how calculated actions had made way for genuine displays of affection. He remembered the rugelach Eric had made for him, could smell them, and taste them, and remembered how startling the rush of emotion was, how he wanted to hold onto Eric forever because he was so proud of him - so in love with him. He nodded, and swiped a tear from his cheek.

"And he treated you well, didn't he?"

"He treated me wonderfully..." Kyle smiled, sighing as he thought of the box under his bed and all it contained. "He cared about me so much."

Stan's warm smile grew wider.

"So when you take all of that into consideration, what's left?"

"Him..." Kyle whispered. "He's all I want..."

"Then go after him, dude," Stan replied, placing a firm, encouraging hand on Kyle's shoulder. "You owe it to yourself."

"But what if he doesn't take me back?" Kyle asked, turning to Stan as if he had a simple answer.

Kyle needed certainty. But all Stan offered him was a wry look, eyebrow arched.

"Dude, he's crazy about you. It's obvious. There's no way he wouldn't take you back. He's just waiting for you to, well..." Stan paused, searching for the words. He smirked. "Get over yourself."

"Alright... " Kyle nodded, gathering up the courage in his chest. He beamed. "I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get him back."

His vow was emboldening, electrifying, his nerves jostled with energy, a plan he was antsy to put into motion.

"I'm glad, dude." Stan grinned, clapping him on the back.

Kyle chuckled.

"Since when did you become our biggest fan?"

Stan rolled his eyes, a little sheepish.

"Since I realised how into each other you both were..."

Kyle blinked, he always assumed his relationship with Eric was something Stan merely tolerated for the sake of supporting his best friend, something he ignored rather than observed.

"I know you guys tried to keep your relationship low-key but you weren't that subtle," he explained. "All those lingering looks, and smiles, and... you blush around each other  _a lot_."

Kyle flushed just hearing that. God, were they that obvious?

"And thinking about it, that hasn't changed," Stan added. "Even this week, there's been this  _tension_  between you two. Like, you're always gonna be connected and... it'd be a shame if you guys didn't act on something like that. It seems too special to lose."

"Thanks, dude." Kyle smiled, shy and grateful, warmed by Stan's blessing he never knew he needed. "I think I have an idea already, of how to get Cartman back. I need to make a gesture, something big. He'd appreciate that. Think you and Kenny could help me out?"

Stan grinned.

"Of course, man."

* * *

It was official. Eric had ran out of tears to cry for Kyle. Upon leaving Kyle's house the day before, he thought he would be sobbing until New Year's, until the distance between South Park and Wisconsin thinned his pain a little bit. Sure, there had been the initial tears when he apologised to Kyle, waited for an answer that never came but Eric didn't need. He already knew. The tears had dampened his cheeks, but soon dried. There was the initial scream into his hands when he got home, furious at himself, and Kyle, and everything that kept them apart. But he hadn't cried since. He frowned, and he drifted around the house, and he slept without dreams, ate meals without taste, an emotional disconnect between every single action. Broken, depleted, adrift. All because he had let Kyle slip through his greedy, selfish fingers. Eric, in his cheated, self-pitying days, always assumed Kyle and his insecurities were keeping them apart. They were necessary, perfect pieces to complete a bigger, promising picture. But Eric realised he had been the one to break them, callous and overly eager, holding them so tight in his hands that they had shattered. There was no putting the pieces back together, no winning Kyle back, nothing but living with the consequences - a life without Kyle. Apparently, that life included being sprawled out on the couch on Christmas Eve, watching Hallmark movies to try to jolt some feeling back into the hollow of his heart... even if those feelings were of the sickly saccharin variety.

Eric was grimacing at yet another corny line of dialogue, when he heard a knock at the door.

"Mom!" he barked. "Door!"

Clearly, his mother couldn't hear him over the Michael Buble playing in the kitchen. The knocking persisted. Eric rolled his eyes.

"Mom! Someone's at the God damn door!"

Louder knocks followed when, again, his mom didn't answer. Eric huffed, shaking his head.

"Fine!" he shouted. "I'll get it!"

Eric grumbled under his breath, heaving himself up off the couch and trudging to the front door. He would slam it right back in their faces if they were Carollers. They may think him a Grinch, and he really could care less. To his surprise, he opened the door to Stan and Kenny, grinning like elves, mischievously merry. It pissed him off immediately.

"Hey, man!" Kenny said.

"What the hell are you assholes doing here?"

Kenny's wide, gleaming grin disappeared like an elaborate lightshow during a power cut. He rolled his eyes.

"Wow, Merry Christmas to you too, dick..."

"There's a concert in the town square, you wanna come?" Stan asked, a little deflated. His cheeriness punctured by Eric's sour mood.

"No." The word was out of Eric's mouth instantly. "Bye."

"Wait, wait, wait!" Kenny exclaimed, resisting the door about to be shut in his and Stan's face. "It's karaoke!" He smiled, tempting like a fairy tale villain wanting to lure Eric into a house made of candy. "Plenty of cringy douches to make fun of! That should cheer you up, right?"

"Why do you think I need cheering up?" Eric challenged.

Stan coughed into his fist, before tucking his hands into his jacket pockets. He avoided Eric's eyes like his gaze might give something away, while Kenny chose to rake his gaze over him, a crease in his brow.

"You look like shit, dude," he replied.

Eric bristled, but wouldn't show it.

"Fuck you."

"Not like that you won't."

"Cartman, please!" Stan begged. "This isn't the time of year for moping around! It's a time to be happy, and grateful-"

"Jesus, Stan, what is this?" Eric asked, with a sardonic smile. He folded his arms across his chest. " _It's A Wonderful Life_?"

"Yeah, this is  _It's A Wonderful Life_!" Kenny beamed. "And you're George Bailey, and we're your guardian angels coming to rescue you from a Christmas spent wallowing!" With that, Kenny pushed past Eric, as if coming into his house without permission was just standard for a supposed 'guardian angel.' His reluctant partner followed, hands still tucked firmly in his pockets. "So go get dressed, and we'll head out!"

Eric huffed, but couldn't stop the smile spreading across his face. Annoying his best friend might have been, but damn it if he wasn't persistent and... affective. Eric couldn't believe he was actually considering going to this stupid concert. Kenny may have been right, making fun of cringy douches murdering Christmas songs was probably more of an emotional stimulant than schmaltzy Christmas B movies. Still, there was one emotional stimulant that would make his heart stop in his chest if he saw him.

"Kyle's not going, is he?" he asked.

The precarious mood plummeted as soon as Eric asked the question.

Stan and Kenny glanced warily at each other.

Kenny sighed.

"No..."

"He broke up with Luke-"

"I know..." Eric cut in.

The last thing he wanted to be reminded of was yesterday, this whole catastrophic week, in fact. Just the thought of it made him want to kick Stan and Kenny out, lock his door, and hibernate until the snow melted, and spring thawed out. A fresh start. But that was impossible, so what to do until then? After all the heartbreak, and frustration, and disappointment, and shame, maybe some Christmas cheer would do him good? God, maybe those movies had gotten to him...

"Fine," he decided. "I'll go. Just give me ten minutes."

* * *

Standing in the freezing town square, listening to hideously tone-deaf renditions of Christmas songs being broadcast all over the county, Eric wondered why he had even got changed and left the house for this. This wasn't fun, or exciting, it was second-hand embarrassment of the most excruciating order, and even more depressing than his own morose company. Stan and Kenny attempted to keep him entertained, goaded him for caustic, bitchy comments, but he wouldn't rise to it. Surrounded by the glow of Christmas lights, and tinsel, and a huge karaoke screen projecting almost holographic lyrics, Eric's mood was still dark and low.

Right now, Mr Mackey was droning the last words of 'Carol of the Bells,' and was met with perplexed, lukewarm applause from the audience when he finished. A sea of multiple layers and woolly hats. Eric sighed, his icy breath nearly glimmered, refracting the festive colours around him.

"This blows," he declared. "I'm going home..."

Urgency lit up Stan and Kenny's bored expressions, more alarmed than disappointed that Eric was leaving.

"Wait, Cartman, you can't go!" Stan pleaded.

Eric frowned. Stan's fidgety demeanour was hiding something, and he didn't like it.

"I can't go? Since when I did need your fucking permission-"

"No, dude, what he means is..." Kenny paused, desperately searching for a reason for Eric to stay. "It's only just getting good!"

Stan winced at Kenny's flimsy excuse. They both knew it wasn't good enough, both knew it was fake. Eric almost smiled, pitying them.

"Come on, this is only going to get worse," he replied. "See you guys later..."

He shoved his hands in his pockets and walked away from his friends before they could convince him to stay.

"Cartman!" Stan called. Eric soon heard footsteps behind him. "Dude!"

"Alright, that was Mr Mackey with, a uh, fresh take on 'Carol of the Bells," the emcee said once the applause subsided. "And next up is one of our last minute sign-ups, and I'm sure you guys will agree they're always exciting! He's pretty nervous, so I want you all to give a big hand to Kyle!"

Eric froze, everything in him stopping. His heart, his breaths, his thoughts, even the fucking world beneath his feet ceased turning. He looked over his shoulder at Stan and Kenny, the panic had dimmed from their faces, leaving only knowing smirks. Still, Eric had no idea what the hell was happening. He needed to fix that. He marched back over to them.

"Kyle? Kyle is  _singing_?!" he exclaimed. "What the fuck is-"

The sound of cheering drew Eric's attention to the stage, and Kyle shuffling into the stark spotlight. It magnified just how petrified Kyle was, his shoulders hunched, his body stiff, his face creased with uncertainty. The emcee put what was supposed to be a comforting arm around him, but Eric knew Kyle well enough that such over-familiarity in an already tense situation would not be welcome. Kyle offered the emcee a meek smile, and with one last pat on the back he left Kyle to it. He inched towards the microphone like it was a glaring, vicious cobra ready to bite. He clutched the mic with trembling hands, and it caught the faint sound of a gulp.

"Wait!" the band had barely played a note before Kyle protested. "Wait, there's uh, something I have to say first. Please..."

The band complied, and the audience waited and listened. But no one so intently as Eric.

"Umm... so..." the pauses echoed discomfortingly across the town square. "I didn't sign up to this because I like singing, or because I'm a performer... or because I like making a fool out of myself on the radio." No one laughed, but Eric snickered. Every breath, and smile made him feel nauseous when his head was spinning. Kyle continued. "I did it because I really wanna be brave, because being a coward has held me back so much. Being proud, and caring too much about what people think of me has only done more harm than good. But I'm not just doing this for me, or for all of you listening. I'm doing this for one person... for Eric Cartman."

Eric had thought he was dreaming when Kyle had said his name, innocent and accidental, in the car with Stan and Kenny all those months ago. A perfect, pristine moment springing from a mundane, random nowhere. But Kyle saying his name, in front of strangers, and friends, and people Eric had grown up with, people who knew nothing about them and what they had been through was truly a Christmas miracle. The kind of miracle that people talk about, and sing about for years, that renews your faith in something you always knew was special, but whose light was waning when everything around you is crumbling. Eric supposed he would never stop believing, and Kyle had given him every reason to hold on. A smile flickered on his face like a star pricking the night sky.

"Eric, I am so sorry for how I've treated you," Kyle continued, more serious than the setting called for, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything or anyone except Eric. "Not just for how I've treated you recently, but how I treated you when we were together too. I was selfish, and unfair, and I hate how much I've hurt you. I didn't even realise just how much I hurt you until now, and while being faced with the consequences of my actions was painful, and hearing the truth about what I was doing was hard, I can't tell you that you were wrong. I really wish I could, but then I would just be lying to myself and I don't wanna do that anymore."

Before he could stop it, tears were falling from Eric's lashes. Renewed by Kyle's romantic gesture. He wished he could be with Kyle. He wished he could hold him and tell him everything was alright, that he forgave him. But how could be strong and hold Kyle up when he was trembling just as much as he was?

"I should never have been ashamed to be with you. I should be ashamed of how I treated you, and I am." Kyle stopped, pressed his wrists to his eyes. A stammering, wet breath was broadcast all over Park County. "What I'm trying to say, Eric, is that... I'm sorry, and I love you."

Eric gasped, choking on his tears. It were as if this whole concert was just a snow globe scene, and he and Kyle were painted figures being rocked and shaken by Kyle's confession, disorientated by the blizzard of secrecy, and resentment, and insecurity, and jealousy, and confessions, and concerts, and love. Ironically, the latter was what settled them both. A love that had been announced, and acknowledged, and that unified the both of them.

"Whatever happens after this, I'll understand," Kyle continued. "I won't resent any decision you make. But I just want you to know that I love you, and at this time of year, I think this song pretty much says it all."

Kyle smiled, nodding at the band. The music began, and Kyle folded in on himself again, gripping the microphone tightly.

" _I..._ " Kyle warbled. He closed his eyes, embarrassed, and cleared his throat.  _"Don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need. I don't care about the presents, underneath the Christmas tree. I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know, make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you..."_

Eric laughed, overjoyed and hysterical, riding out the waves of surging, overwhelming happiness. Stan and Kenny beamed as they clapped him on the back, obviously enjoying Kyle's off-key, stilted performance just as much as they were enjoying seeing their two friends finally embark on something wholeheartedly honest.

There were plenty of times when Eric found it hard to resist Kyle, when he just wanted to kiss him, and touch him, and hug him, and whisper gooey, affectionate words in his ear, but he never imagined he would want to do all those things whilst listening to Kyle awkwardly sing a Mariah Carey song... for him. He needed to see him, and tell him he loved him too.

"Hey, where are you going?" Kenny asked as he began to walk away.

Eric looked over his shoulder and grinned.

"I'm gonna put the poor guy out of his misery!"

Eric began to weave through the singing, filming crowd, and smirked at those who were fixated on the stage out of pure confusion.

"Excuse me..." he murmured, as he pushed past particularly ignorant concert-goers. "Excuse me... move, assholes!" he snapped, when his impatience got the better of him. "He's singing about me!"

Eric finally reached the side of the stage, panting and actually sweating on a cold, December night, from adrenaline, or exertion, but most likely both. He smiled, all he had to do was jog up the small steps and Kyle would be right in front of him. However, a burly, frowning security guard blocked his path. The sleeves of a black, quilted coat strained over his bulging biceps, arms folded across his chest.

"Woah, woah, where do you think you're going?" he asked.

"Please, I just need to tell that guy murdering a perfectly good Christmas song that I love him!" Eric pleaded.

He tried to side step the security guard, but he was quicker. Unmoved and frowning.

"I'm afraid I can't let you on stage without authorisation."

Eric huffed, running a hot, gloved hand through his hair.

"Dude, fucking seriously?!" He looked over the security guard's shoulder and saw Kyle singing, oblivious. He started to wave frantically, hoping to catch his attention. "Kyle! Kyle!"

"Alright, come on, buddy, let's go..."

Eric was winded by a large, firm arm pressed to his chest, and he felt himself being shoved backwards by the exasperated security guard. But damn it if he was just going to wait for Kyle until he came off stage to see him, not after he'd come this far. One plan may have failed this week, doomed from the beginning and horribly misjudged, but he was determined that this one would succeed. It consisted of nothing but good intentions, and no way in hell would Eric let that go. He shoved the security guard off him with a growl, and dove on to the steps.

"Hey!" The security guard hollered, but Eric had made it onto the stage. Falling, without grace, but he was there.

The band, consummate professionals, continued to play. Ear-splittingly loud when the gleam of brass was near blinding, and the thump of the massive stereos wriggled in Eric's ears. The audience, however, were definitely distracted by Eric's entrance. They gasped, and murmured to each other, and those who didn't have their phones out filming the show soon rectified that when the concert had taken such a dramatic turn. Kyle turned his head, brow furrowed and eyes wide with alarm, but soon smiled when he realised it was Eric that had caused all the commotion, that was scrambling to his feet. Grinning, swaying, Eric approached Kyle as the song came to an end. Kyle was still smiling, and looking only at him as he sang.

" _All I want for Christmas is you..._ " he smirked around the lyrics.

The audience erupted in kind, well-meaning applause but Kyle could've cared less about them, so could Eric. They were both breathless. Their laboured, ragged breaths seemed to fill the whole town.

Kyle's chest was heaving with effort - to breathe, to speak, to smile. He swallowed, collecting his words. His smile flickered, and he gestured to the crowd of people before them.

"I know this isn't a basketball game, and I know we're not on the jumbo-tron but-"

"No, it's fucking better," Eric cut in, chuckling deliriously. It only prompted more tears to blur his vision.

Kyle's grin crumpled, the corners of his mouth still pulled into a warm, affectionate smile. His eyes sparkled with tears. Eric could feel himself buckling under the weight of Kyle's beauty.

"I love you," Kyle said, like it was the first time. Face-to-face with Eric, close enough to touch, the only time it mattered.

"I love you too," Eric replied, letting his tears run freely down his face.

The words lit them up like a firework soaring through the sky, ascending higher and higher, climbing into space with no hope of release before it finally explodes. Rapturous, ecstatic, beautiful-

_Free._

They flew into each other's embrace, a heavenly collision. Kyle threw his arms around Eric's neck, his hands clutched Kyle's waist. Their lips met and the crowd roared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! We made it! Eric and Kyle made it! But without you guys reading, subscribing, commenting, bookmarking, and leaving kudos, this fic may not have made it, so I just want to say a huge thank you to all of you! I say this a lot, but only because it's true. I could not have written this fic without you guys' support, and you have no idea how much I appreciate your readership! As for future fics, I'm actually working on something big that I'm unbelievably excited about, so I hope you guys will join me for that! Thanks so much for reading!


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